Wonky fruit and veg back in the shops. Hurrah!
2009 is all going right for Esther Rantzen. First, she stepped up to volunteer herself as a sleaze-free independent prospective MP for Luton, railing against the expenses scandal in the House Of Commons. It led to a disturbing performance by her on BBC1’s Question Time where she nakedly displayed as much raw ego and self-regard as the politicians she claims to be against.
Now, the very heartbeat of her old hit show That’s Life is back – we’re talking of course about wonkily-shaped fruit and vegetables. The 20 year-old EU ban on odd-looking plums and carrots that strongly resemble men’s cocks has been lifted in a bid to reduce bureaucracy.
Amazingly, in a world where children die of starvation, around 20% of produce is rejected by shops across the EU for failing to meet the current requirements. Agriculture Commissioner Mariann Fischer Boel made one of he most blindingly obvious statements of all time when she said: “It makes no sense to throw perfectly good products away, just because they are the 'wrong' size and shape”
No longer living under the jackbooted tyranny of bonkers EU law are apricots, artichokes, asparagus, aubergines, avocados, beans, Brussels sprouts, carrots, cauliflowers, cherries, courgettes, cucumbers, cultivated mushrooms, garlic, hazelnuts in shell, headed cabbage, leeks, melons, onions, peas, plums, ribbed celery, spinach, walnuts in shell, water melons and witloof/chicory. Witloof there, whatever the fuck that is.
BUT… the rules still apply to the most popular types of produce, namely: apples, citrus fruit, kiwi fruit, lettuces, peaches and nectarines, pears, strawberries, sweet peppers, table grapes and tomatoes. They make up 75% of EU fruit and vegetable sales, and any wonky examples will have to be stickered with something like “product intended for processing” in a way of placating shoppers who may have been spooked by their appearances.
But now that we've learned to live without these freaks of nature, will you be comfortable going back to buying them, or will you shun them as though they are scarcely-edible versions of the Elephant Man? Let us know.
Esther Rantzen was unavailable for comment as we went to press. Because we haven’t got her phone number. What we do have though, is a potato that resembles how we imagine one of her boobs would look like. Happy days!