Water rates to drop in price by so little that it's almost insulting
Britons. It's time to stop dreaming of that speedboat you always wanted. It's time to start planning that holiday to Argentina. Why? Because you're about to be hit with untold riches.
The water watchdog Ofwat (I know, I keep adding a 'T' as well) revealed today that over the next five years, our water rates will be reduced by £3.
Initially, it was proposed that our rates would fall by £14, but that's just ludicrous isn't it? I mean, you could buy a Premiership full-back for that kind of money!
Of course, whether bills rise or fall will depend on how much water you piss away, or indeed, dependent on where you live. The Guardian reports that customers of Essex and Southern Water will face a jump of 13% in price. Thames Water will be allowed to raise prices by 3%.
Hang on. That's not a price-cut at all is it?
Despite the fact that one-in-five customers think they're being short-changed, Ofwat chief executive Regina Finn said: "Customers have told us that they want us to keep water and sewage charges flat while maintaining a safe, reliable supply of water. That's what we've delivered.
"There's more to this than just low bills, it's about what customers get for their money. We've scrutinised every pound in the companies' plans to make sure they deliver what customers want."
The Institution of Civil Engineers added: "Water companies will need to invest heavily in maintaining, upgrading and building new infrastructure in coming years if we are to meet growing demand, while always ensuring best value for the consumer.
"We have seen what happens when key infrastructure fails over the last few days, with hundreds of people without water or power in Cumbria."
This will no doubt irritate the people of Northern Ireland to the point where their teeth become dust as they don't pay water rates at all... yet. In the meantime, we can all dream about what we'll spend our annual savings on (dependent on where we actually live of course). See you at the Ferrari showrooms.