The disgusting two-tier 'service' provided by United Utilities

Avid Bitterwallet reader David Littlewood is also an avid fan of the cool refreshing water that spews out of his taps with the help of United Utilities, but he’s a little bit less than happy with the fairness of their service.

As you’ll see from the bill he forwarded to us, the United Utilities water isn’t cheap. David says: “I received my water bill today. They will continue to charge me £30-40 a month for water.”


But while they do that, David feels as though United Utilities are simultaneously taking his money AND taking the piss.

He goes on: “They added a leaflet clearly stating they could provide water to a different family somewhere else for £2 a month... and they even have the nerve to send me this and rub my nose in it.”

Take a look – he’s possibly got a point…



  • Slartibartfast
    Isn't 190 days mean (well sort of) a 6 monthly bill - £148 divided by 6 is (rounded up) £25 a month. About the same to what I pay... Let's hope David isn't a financial advisor... Slart.
  • col
    I don't know whether BitterWallet or the person who sent this in is trying to be funny but it's blatenetly not. Wateraid help bring clean water to many people, the world over, who otherwise wouldn't get it and die of water born diseases. In the UK we have one of the cleanest and most reliable water supplies in the world. By donating £2 a month to WaterAid you can 'help' them being water to a family - see that word above 'help' it costs a lot more than £2 a month todo but WaterAid believe that a regular small donation by maybe a few thousand people can help them bring wells and pumps to villages that really need them. I tell you what - if you don't want running water and want to share a communal pump with a few hundred people then maybe £2 a month will do it - but if you want it piped, clean, into your house 24 hours a day and your sewerage to be piped away and cleaned then maybe you have to pay a little bit more. BitterWallet - a really stupid article to publish.
  • Wibble
    Very stupid article to publish. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I suggest you delete it and donate some of you HotUKDeals commission to WaterAid or the Haiti DEC Appeal. Considerably more than £2 would be useful
    • Andy D.
      @Wibble - I've been donating on a monthly basis to WaterAid for over a year now. I've also given some money to DEC in the past week. Neither of those facts got in the way stopped me from finding David's email funny in an incredibly stupid way.
  • Andy D.
    One other thing - as a by-product of this story/discussion, how many people do you think will cancel their WaterAid donation direct debit? None? Probably. How many people might start donating? A couple? Maybe. Result then.
  • Hudson H.
    Andy, Most of the time I am within the realm of agreement with you / BW however this is actually not funny, even in 'an incredibly stupid way'. Anybody with even half a brain would be well within their rights to be offended at it, and I do genuinely find it offensive, even despite my incredibly purile and base sense of humour. Fail. HH.
  • Darren
    I have to admit, I do have to agree with the majority of readers, this is a bit low in terms of articles... its only £2 a month... its not rubbing your nose in it... Im sure moaning David Littlewood could afford £2 rather than whine about it... I think we should get United Utilities to come round to davids house, rip out his pipes and sewerage service and install a pump at the end of the street for him... for £2 a month.. Christ I pay £78 a month for my water and i thought I was on a good deal, especially when they sent me a letter saying Im going down to £54 a month. but I suggest David goes to Liveleaks website and watch some of the true videos of Haiti... I've just seem some woman and child struggling to get out of a building... whilst everyone around them robs the scraps they can find... the camera man returns to find them both dead, still hanging out of the small crushed gap.... Im not saying £2 would save these people or there problems or the fact that this article is about Haiti, but £2 will help others who don't have the luxuries we have in this country.... And I agree with Andy, how many will donate? why not setup a thread for donations, all your readers to donate £2 each you and David Tightass Littlewood could be the first?
    • Andy D.
      @Darren Don't think David was whining - I took it as a dry-as-a-bone piece of idiocy with a dollop of self-deprecation on top. Apologies if you didn't get it.
      • Andy D.
        If it helps, try and imagine David's complaint as the sort of thing Homer Simpson might say. Or Ricky Gervais in his stand-up persona. It's not meant to be taken seriously. @Darren - if you care so much, copying and pasting a link like this in your comment might have been a good idea.,RA/WB,SRec_Web,RA/WB/01 £2 a month, over a year, is as little as it could cost to help give a person safe, clean water for life. Go for it everyone.
  • Fella-Tio
    nice and offensive article may I suggest an article for next time...maybe about Earthquakes?
  • Dave
    It's not water they need It's Birth control, if these 3rd world countries stoped producing child after child then maybe there'd be enough food and water to go around I think if anyone is going to donate maybe Haiti would be a better cause
  • kyle
    HAHA Love it! It's funny ya bunch of tits, lets all jump on the offended bus.....twats
  • TFEB
    Hi BW editors. I saw this funny side of this and the point you were making and i know alot of people who would also find this funny. Its a joke and it ends once you finish reading it. If you find this offensive no one forced you to read it nor will BW force you to come back again and read more articles. Go to another forum if you dont like it
  • TFEB
    I totally agree ist very Ricky Gervais'esque
  • Pizza_D_Action
    Water for £2 a month, sense of humour bypasses free by the looks of some comments above. Keep up the good work BW :)
  • Marty P.
    As a bitterwallet reader and water aid donater with a pretty twisted sense of humour even I see this as a fail. The gentlemen gets the pure clean potable water piped into his home with so much to spare he can flush his turds away with it, for less than a pound a day. Maybe United Utilities could offer a 2 teir system in the UK? If customers/miserable bast'rds only wanted to pay 2 quid a month they can fetch it by in a bucket from a standpipe at the end of the street. But then I dont find Ricky Gervais funny - maybe we can donate him to Haiti? They can stab him with pins to do voodoo to take their mind off things. Me could do a funny dance for them?
  • Gunn
    Surely if you read BW, you can expect to be offended :)
  • Darren
    @ Andy Dawson Im not having a go at any of this, I always enjoy BW stories and articles... even 1 or 2 of mine have gone on here, its just when you say: "David feels as though United Utilities are simultaneously taking his money AND taking the piss" I understand David feels like this, but still was it right to publish it... Im sure you guys will keep up the good work... whens the next Iphone story due?
    • Andy D.
      Fuck that Darren - I'm not going to start signposting irony. If any regular readers of the site thought that was a serious piece... well, wow. You say "I understand David feels like this, but still was it right to publish it…" I've already explained directly to you in a previous reply that David wasn't actually complaining. He doesn't feel like this - it's a dry, dark attempt at humour. One that clearly missed your own personal comedic bullseye by a mile. *Enter some bell end who says "Yes, 'attempt' would be the right word in this case."*
  • Tom
    I'm amazed at how many people are missing the point of this.
  • Lee
    My last 6 month water bill was £255. Sounds like David got a bargain. I don't find the article offensive, but it's certainly not 'funny'.
  • Big D.
    Look... they've had an earthquake - people died... but the world keeps turning, I'd rather give to charities here in my own country. As mentioned above - maybe CondomAid would be more suited.
  • diGriz
    Most BW articles by Andy aren't funny, they read like a failed Nuts writer clinging to a lad culture the rest of us grew out of. Presented properly this would have been a funny article, but it wasn't.
  • Darren
    GEES andy, touched a nerve there... I wasn't even saying it was a serious piece at all, one of your shittest to be honest... but I think DiGriz gets it right there... @ DiGriz, perfectly put.
    • Andy D.
      @Darren. So you knew the piece was a piss-take when you said "I'm sure moaning David Littlewood could afford £2 rather than whine about it… "
  • WaWaWa
    *Enter some bell end who says “Yes, ‘attempt’ would be the right word in this case.”* This article was written by that very person....
  • grex9101
    Totally agree with a couple of comments above - these people live in an ecosystem that simply cannot support their numbers yet they continue to pump out more mouths to feed. I'd be donating to keepyourlegsshutaid, rather than a charity that puts wells in to deplete the water table in these countries even further. Due to these wells a lot of africa will be completely uninhabitable in 100 years time, how incredibly short-sighted.
  • Darren
    @ WAWAWA - And So Andys fanbase grows...
  • The S.
    To be fair, It would have it's advantages, getting water from a pipe. Think about it, for the amount of walking to and from the pump, it could help us with the obesity problem. If people had to walk for water, then they would get off their arses and move. Plus we'd have cheaper water :D
  • TFEB
    haha far too many people getting upset and offended by this including Andy! Lol if you write an article such as this i think you should be prepared for a barrage of complaints from people who might not get this sense of humour. If this is the type of humour BW writes in then people should expect it. Your really not helping yourself though by being so defensive. Seriously just ignore it.
  • Nobby
    I found it funny. And while they can supply water for £2 a month, no doubt they'd charge them £20 to take away the waste.
  • Shopdis F.
    Normally, I would be the first to jump onto Bitter wallet if they posted something that I thought was wrong, but this is hilarious. If you are offended by this, grow some testicles. Good job Andy
  • Johnny F.
    Tasteless to say the least with regards to current world events. Not only that you cling to the old "it was ironic" excuse when you are caught out. Pathetic, BW.
  • Dan
    I real story might be UU's online water meter usage calculator. I tried it last year and couldn't manage to get it produce a figure lower than the current standard charge bill.
  • Jay
    Dan, maybe the meter calculator didn't give a figure lower than a standard bill because you're better off on a rateable value than on a meter; so in turn UU have saved you money by not putting you on a meter.
  • zeddy
    And while we're at it, that pic of the feral trolley is sooooo last week.
  • Shooter M.
    Where can I get one of these humour bypasses that appear to be all the rage in this thread?
  • Wibble
    Ask [email protected] Shooter - he's got one.
  • Brian
    Hi, my name is Brian. My stepfather pays our water bill.
  • Bartleby
    Bollocks, it was funny. I laughed, job done. Stop writing stuff like this and I'll go elsewhere.
    Andy: I couldn't give a shit about water aid, and I couldn't give a shit about earthquakes in poor countries I ain't never gonna go near. For that reason, I congratulate you on your story, and your comments made since in reply to utter utter morons posting here.
  • Kieth
    What the fuck does the original article have to do with current affairs anyway?
  • Darren
    @ TVDP lets hope disaster strikes your life then... I dont know and dont give a shit about you... bit heartless really... obviously not got family or children
  • Darren
    @ Keith its got fuck all to do with current affairs, its just that its a bit heartless to be moaning about other people who are less fortunate than you an me... for the sake of £2 a month.
    • Andy D.
      Jesus Darren, you still don't get it do you? At no point in the story is David moaning about paying £2 a month to WaterAid. He was expressing mock-outrage that United Utilities charge him £40 a month while they charge the people in the third world only £2 a month. Which is of course, utter nonsense. The comedy comes from his misunderstanding of the Water Aid leaflet. He's happily making himself look like an idiot and I was happy to continue with that conceit for the sake of the gag. That WaterAid link again -,RA/WB,SRec_Web,RA/WB/01
  • Yo
    come on guys. Why cant you see the funny side of it. United at chrging £30/pm to david's family and 'charging' £2 to another. Andy, you dont need to apologise for anything. You're a don.
  • TheillegitimatesonofGunn
    So you're openly admitting now that this was all a big gag to you? And yes Andy, I'm quite sure you donate 2 quid a month to WaterAid. I hadn't even heard of the charity until this piss take of an article was published so evidently it's not a well known one. Keep up the 'good work' though.
  • Janey
    Oh dear - I can see dummies all over the floor. Get over yourselves - the article was funny and very topical so top of the class to BW as usual for bringing some much needed common sense to this overblown, media-hyped, scaremongery world we live in. Disasters, poverty, etc etc are a fact of life and, frankly, some of the points made in the posts regarding birth control etc are valid IMHO. Be thankful for what you do have (even if it doesn't include a sense of humour) and God Bless BW for allowing us to enjoy the occasional naughty frisson of schadenfreude.
  • Darren
    Keep up the good work Andy, better Attempt next time...
  • Mr G.
    Surely the real issue here is David Littlewood complaining that United Utilities are taking the piss. You half-witted son of a chair leg! Of course they are taking the piss! That's what you pay them to do! Funny article, reminiscent of Viz's letters pages, a bit of a plug for Water Aid and red faces for all those readers who have shown themselves up to be "humourously-challenged". Result!
  • Johnny F.
    Maybe one day the quality of humour on this site will climb up to the dizzying heights of the lowest common denominator. Until then Andy, instead of telling us that 'we don't get it', maybe you should leave the irony alone, you clearly aren't very good at it.
    "@ TVDP lets hope disaster strikes your life then… I dont know and dont give a shit about you…" @Darren - I thought you would have understood from my original post, I don't care whether you care or not. However, you have fallen into the classic trap of proving you are a total hypocrite. Don't worry though - we already knew you were, so you didn't let any secrets out. As stated, I don't care about water aid or earthquakes. Not in the slightest, and I won't be forced into donating. Equally, as you are just Darren from Bitterwallet comments to me, I dont care for your thoughts either. Never mind son :)

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