Energy bills set to go through the roof that you can barely afford to maintain in the first place
Energy bills could rise as high as £5,000 a year over the coming decade according to a stark warning from price comparison giants uSwitch.
Factors include volatility in the energy market, torrents of bullshit from profiteering suppliers and the ongoing updating of Britain’s energy infrastructure, which is believed to be adding £548 on to the average household energy bill every year for the next 15 years. Ouch.
With that in mind, here’s five clever ways to save on your energy bills…
- Switch the heating off forever and instead, construct insulated body suits made from ten inch-thick bubblewrap. You probably won’t feel the cold when you’re wearing them. Plus, you can raise extra cash by making additional ones to hire out to visitors to your home so that they don’t feel left out or freeze to death.
- Never, ever switch a light on. Ever. Why would you want to do that? What the fuck is this big deal with people thinking they have to see stuff all the time. Feel your way around, or better still, develop sonar. Lights. Peh, you pampered idiots.
- When the meter reader comes, kidnap him, kill him, then feast on his remains for a few weeks. Be warned; this might not save you cash in the long term if you have a high estimated bill to begin with. It’s also slightly illegal.
- On the subject of eating, if you can’t cook your meals au naturale on an outdoor fire then you’re not trying hard enough. Look at Ray Mears – he eats nothing but leaves but he’s a fat little bastard.
- Build a huge, solar-powered vibrating robot lizard that you can strap on to the side of your house. His perpetual motion will somehow provide you with free electricity. Christen him ‘Energy Bill.’ Do it. Do it now.