Energy bills set to go through the roof that you can barely afford to maintain in the first place

Energy bills could rise as high as £5,000 a year over the coming decade according to a stark warning from price comparison giants uSwitch.

Factors include volatility in the energy market, torrents of bullshit from profiteering suppliers and the ongoing updating of Britain’s energy infrastructure, which is believed to be adding £548 on to the average household energy bill every year for the next 15 years. Ouch.

With that in mind, here’s five clever ways to save on your energy bills…

  • Switch the heating off forever and instead, construct insulated body suits made from ten inch-thick bubblewrap. You probably won’t feel the cold when you’re wearing them. Plus, you can raise extra cash by making additional ones to hire out to visitors to your home so that they don’t feel left out or freeze to death.
  • Never, ever switch a light on. Ever. Why would you want to do that? What the fuck is this big deal with people thinking they have to see stuff all the time. Feel your way around, or better still, develop sonar. Lights. Peh, you pampered idiots.
  • When the meter reader comes, kidnap him, kill him, then feast on his remains for a few weeks. Be warned; this might not save you cash in the long term if you have a high estimated bill to begin with. It’s also slightly illegal.
  • On the subject of eating, if you can’t cook your meals au naturale on an outdoor fire then you’re not trying hard enough. Look at Ray Mears – he eats nothing but leaves but he’s a fat little bastard.
  • Build a huge, solar-powered vibrating robot lizard that you can strap on to the side of your house. His perpetual motion will somehow provide you with free electricity. Christen him ‘Energy Bill.’ Do it. Do it now.


  • Lumoruk
    lol funny as fuck, i hope the comments are your original work though ;) "Look at Ray Mears - he eats nothing but leaves but he's a fat little bastard"
  • > H.
    How do you watch Ray Mears if you can't turn your TV on? Hmmmmmmmmmm? *Create warmth by masturbating violently and often, note, sharing this warmth may make others feel unconfortable.
  • Joan H.
    It all becomes a pointless exercise If a solar storm happens and knocks out all the transformers.
  • goon
    everyone stop using elec and gas. watch those prices drop. if you want elec get some solar shit going on or wind shizzle. if you want gas, tough shit. or make your own hydrogen with water and the elec you make from wind and solar. i am awesome and will take down the energy companys maybe privatising them was a dumb as fuck idea eh. way to go british fuckwit politicians why not privatise the hospitals while you are at it. oh wait you aresholes are already trying that. try cutting your fatcat pensions and wages you waste of fuckin space. die. it's all true
  • scribbles
    When I am cold, I just put on one of those synthetic Umbro training shirts and rub my hands up and down it vigerously. I then build up enough static to spontaneously combust and I am nice and toasty
  • Gus
    Coming from a country where the electricity comes from a company owned by the government I can tell that they Rip you off much more than having a bunch of companies competing for the customers.
  • goon
    thing is they don't compete. its a cartel. 5 companies all charging the same give or take a fiver a year funny how when 'wholesale' gas goes up and oil prices immediatly rocket up the bill increase straight away, but when they drop prices somehow bills dont really drop that fast, if at all.
  • Bwah h.
    Just build some fucking nuclear power plants. Its not fucking complicated.
  • James R.
    I applied for roof solar heating cells and a small wind turbine but was refused because my proprerty is listed - how the feck do we expect to save and use less power in the future?
  • Energy B.
    [...] you’re looking for some ways to save on your gas and electricity bills, we came up with a few earlier in the week and they’re working out just fine for us so [...]
  • itolson
    They don't expect you to save and use less power, they want you to use more of the stuff. more used = more in their pockets..... I agree Nuclear Power Stations..... maybe in 50 years we will all have our own mini Nuclear power stations buried deep in our back gardens. watch the power companies squirm then, same goes for the petrol companies. The Useless Government needs to force some of the profits to invest in new technology. goes for both energy and petrol companies.
  • veedubjai
    @Bwah ha h, Yep, build some more nuclear power stations. The French have been doing this for bloody years. Don't go cheap on maintainance & employ monkeys to operate them. Get the best staff for health & safety reasons. The government needs to needs to invest in solar & wind power massively. Global warming is expected to get even hotter in UK any way, so heavy subsidies for all UK residents. The UK can not keep on relying heavily on other countries for energy.

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