New national crime figure website could have us all hiding under our beds
Ever find yourself locked in your own home, terrified to go out in case you’re stabbed, knifed, bludgeoned, tripped or violated on and around the head and neck? You’re probably a Daily Mail reader then.
Now you can get a genuine insight as to just exactly how frigging scary it REALLY is out there in your locale thanks to a new internet website that has been bunged out by The Coalition Government. All you do is pop in your postcode and sit back while your mind boggles at the chaos that has been going on around you over the past month.
You’ll also get nice pictures of the nice coppers who are in charge of your manor along with info about upcoming neighbourhood policing team meetings and intensive vigilante training courses.
It’s almost like Google Street View but without the nice photographs, leaving you to imagine a rampant wave of law-breaking madness going on all over the place instead. Information on crime is broken down into six categories - burglary, robbery, vehicle crime, violence, other crime and anti-social behaviour.
In order to test it out, we put ‘That London’ into the site’s search engine and within seconds, steam began to ooze out of the side of our computer as it struggled to come to terms with the sheer magnitude of anti-social madness that blights our nation’s capital.
Conversely, we then put in the postcode of Bitterwallet’s underground HQ and the only result that came up was two examples of indecent exposure. Ahh, we remember that afternoon well, even if Mof himself doesn’t.
While breaking a bottle of champagne over the side of the website as she launched it, Home Secretary Theresa May said that people had lost confidence in national crime figures, and the maps would give real facts and make police more accountable. But some critics have said that it could create a climate of fear in some areas or a climate of smugness in others with the risk that house prices could plummet in crime-addled parts of the country.
Go on, off you all go to while away an hour or so of your day pissing about with it…