New national crime figure website could have us all hiding under our beds

1 February 2011


Ever find yourself locked in your own home, terrified to go out in case you’re stabbed, knifed, bludgeoned, tripped or violated on and around the head and neck? You’re probably a Daily Mail reader then.

Now you can get a genuine insight as to just exactly how frigging scary it REALLY is out there in your locale thanks to a new internet website that has been bunged out by The Coalition Government. All you do is pop in your postcode and sit back while your mind boggles at the chaos that has been going on around you over the past month.

You’ll also get nice pictures of the nice coppers who are in charge of your manor along with info about upcoming neighbourhood policing team meetings and intensive vigilante training courses.

It’s almost like Google Street View but without the nice photographs, leaving you to imagine a rampant wave of law-breaking madness going on all over the place instead. Information on crime is broken down into six categories - burglary, robbery, vehicle crime, violence, other crime and anti-social behaviour.

In order to test it out, we put ‘That London’ into the site’s search engine and within seconds, steam began to ooze out of the side of our computer as it struggled to come to terms with the sheer magnitude of anti-social madness that blights our nation’s capital.

Conversely, we then put in the postcode of Bitterwallet’s underground HQ and the only result that came up was two examples of indecent exposure. Ahh, we remember that afternoon well, even if Mof himself doesn’t.

While breaking a bottle of champagne over the side of the website as she launched it, Home Secretary Theresa May said that people had lost confidence in national crime figures, and the maps would give real facts and make police more accountable. But some critics have said that it could create a climate of fear in some areas or a climate of smugness in others with the risk that house prices could plummet in crime-addled parts of the country.

Go on, off you all go to while away an hour or so of your day pissing about with it…

TOPICS:   UK News   Technology


  • Billy
    Just seen by brothers postcode in leicester - won't be going back. Why the advertisement at the bottom with regards to the web dev logo ?
  • Phil76
    Apparently my post code (or even town) isn't covered by any police force. Guess that's another brilliant IT project from the Goverment then.
  • The B.
    Wow, the site's absolutely knackered, amazing how that always happens with government websites costing billions eh?
  • Shagger D.
    aeír wefan hon angen bod Defaid wedi ei alluogi yn eich porwr gwe.
  • HamBurgler
    UK Neighbourhood Policing Website error There has been an error with the website and we're currently looking into it. Click here to return to the home page HMMMMM. The only hope left for this website is that some prankster links it to some hardcore porn site and i get to pull one off in my lunch hour.
  • Mark C.
    Either it's broken, or someone's nicked it.
  • DragonChris
    Maybe they've taken it offline to add Northern Ireland to it - Since they so kindly decided to leave us out... Bastards.
  • Alexis
    Just sits there. Nice to know some poor sod is down the job centre because his yearly salary has gone to pay for this tripe. Anyway, I know how much crime is around me after my bike got nicked and appeared for sale on Gumtree. The police didn't give a sod, even though I can't think of crime that was much easier to solve.
  • Moriarty C.
    By sheer tenacity I've got the first page where you enter postcode then; "... and get instant access..." LOL - its still buggered.
  • Tweedskin
    It's rubbish and doesn't work. And don't you think it looks like some sort of dodgy phishing site? I'm sure the police/government did a map like this ages ago...why spend the money again?
  • Robert
    @Tweedskin - Yeh they did it was
  • peelerbod
    @Robert and Tweedskin. Thankfully nobody lives outside the M25.
  • Bazza
    Nice to see yet another pratt take money from the government under false pretences. If i was him i would take my name off. Bet he had his 3 year old daughter do it for him.
  • Nob
    What happens at beat meetings? Do you get to do the beating, or are you the one that gets beaten? The problem with sites like this is that it won't work for the next week, since loads of people try to access it when new, then people will have a look at their area, then forget about it for all but a few who will probably collate the information and try to sell it. So money will be chucked into it only for it to fail on launch, work for a couple of weeks, then be forgotten about by most. Much better would be if they put up CCTV footage of crimes, so people could rate the crime and vote for best overall crime of 2011, as well as crime of the week. They could even break it down into best newcomer, best career criminal, best crime by an under-10, etc.
  • Pedant
    Enter your postcode, town, village or street into the search box below, and get INSTANT access to street-level crime maps and data, as well as details of your local policing team and beat meetings. emphasis added for lols
  • gsrfd
    Stop being grumpy gits. The website is like any other, the server is getting hammered. It's being linked to from every site around and so loads of people are trying to access. Ever tried buying a concert ticket? Like that.
  • Tweedskin
    @ gsrfd Thanks for the I.T lesson! T.I.T (see what I did there?) Problem is, our government should not be launching this website with all the fanfare if they simply don't have the infrastructure in place to support it. @ Nob Agreed!
  • Ateve
    I understand that they just brought a load more servers online, it's working for me now.
  • bobs b.
    @nob Spot on, sounds perfect for saturday night telly. The Thug Factor !
  • Nob
    I wonder how accurate they are. For example, if you check back in a month's time, will you find that assaults on women in Newcastle have gone down by one, whilst they have gone up by one in Liverpool?
  • Kevin
    It worked well for me when I used it. And of course it's not going to be totally accurate, if you show that No 15 Sidney Road has been burgled in the last month you'll know there's lots of new stuff worth nicking! Some people can't use a decent resource when it's given to them. It showed me just how many burglaries there's been in the local area which surprised me a lot.

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