All aboard the creepy closed kingdom that is Ikealand

11 April 2012


If the idea of Ikea brings you out in a cold sweat, you probably won’t be putting your name down to live in the entire TOWN that the Swedish furniture giants are planning to build in East London.

Yes, they’ve snapped 11 hectares of prime land and are going to put up 1,200 rental homes, which they say will be price to appeal to a range of incomes. Sounds like a recipe for groovy harmony to us.

There’ll also be office space, a creative zone, a restaurant, a hotel, pedestrian walkways, cycle routes, and a new bus route. Maybe it’ll have its own flag and laws and tax system and language? We don’t know.

What it won’t have is cars – apparently the only vehicles allowed will be buses and the emergency services. It’s starting to sound more appealing actually.

Project manager Anthony Cobden says: “We have a very good understanding of rubbish collection, of cleanliness, of landscape management,” adding that “we would have a fairly firm line on undesirable activity, whatever that may be.” Sounds like a threat if you ask us. A big threat.

Cobden also says: “But we also feel we can say, okay, because we’ve kept control of the management of the commercial facilities, we have a fairly strong hand in what is said in terms of the activities that are held on site.”

So, Butlins for wankers then. Glad we’ve cleared that up. Building starts in 2013.

[Design Taxi]

TOPICS:   UK News   High Street News


  • Kevin
    Sounds exactly what is needed in many parts of the country. I don't know why cars can't be banned from more innercity developments (beyond the legally required numberof disabled spaces per number of flats/houses of course)
  • Bob
    They did this in Gateshead with a company called Boklok. A few years on and they\re unsaleable wooden clad monstrosities which are slowly turning dark grey (sorry, silvering). Nobody wanted them then and even fewer want them now. Most of them went unsold.
  • Zleet
    I for one welcome our future Swedish overlords and will happily serve in their army or 'pümplë' in the unavoidable war against the grand Wallmart empire.
  • Boris
    Zleet! You traitorous bastard. This new colony of buxom blond sweedish ladies aged between eighteed and twenty five shall kneel before me! I am Lord of all London.
  • Capability B.
    So thats another 11 hectares that will be "private land" and therefore subject to all the usual kind of "security measures" that mean no activity of any kind that they find "undesirable". The public will no longer have the right to make any kind of protest on the said land (so no leafleting, no marches, no banner waving, no demonstration of any kind), no loitering (presumably the area will be rife with CCTV and your every step will be tracked), no taking of photographs of any of the buildings should the owners deem this "undesirable". No spaces which are truly public but privately controlled and subject to all sorts of "regulatory controls". No collecting for charity without the prior consent of the land owners. No "vagrancy". Not subject to planning controls. No public "right of way". In fact, no activity of any kind that the owners deem "unsuitable or objectionable" (a list of which, of course, they can refuse to provide any members of the publc with). Private security patrols on duty 24/7. All regulatory powers and jurisdiction of the local council withdrawn. A completely private kingdom, in fact, where the owners can do what they like and get away with it, even if it infringes civil liberties. Welcome to 1984.
  • jonnyrotten
    I'd live there... as long as there are no chavs (or gypsies) living there.
  • Ikea
    What's your address Capability - we'd like to do some landscaping in your garden and set up a campsite to protest about badger baiting for four years. That would be fine with you wouldn't it?
  • Shaniaa
    Capability Bowes all tat sounds gr8! a fukin hate they gypsies comin around ma doors asking if a need new windaes or wnt to dnate to sum stnking charity!
  • klingelton
    i agree with shaniaa - sounds like utopia!
  • The B.
    @jonnyrotten - I think you're shit out of luck there, as evidenced by the line "price to appeal to a range of incomes".
  • Mike H.
    I have no problem with Ikea, it is the dick head chavs that go their to spend my money, on a shitty table for their bongs, ash trays, candles, rizzlas, smack pipes, lava lamps, max power magazines and Red Bull. Wankers.
  • Capability B.
    @ Klingleton - fine, if you're happy to sit back and watch your civil liberties being quietly eroded away, you do that.

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