Toddlers in restaurants - a guide is born
What's worse than a baby on a plane? A toddler in a restaurant that's what. While you, as a functioning adult minding your own fucking business, try and spend some money on nice food and a civilised night out, along comes some braying little bollock with a wax-candle of snot on their top lip and tiny lungs able to implode your ears with guttural screams of pointless, needy anguish.
And now, someone has created a guide, aimed at parents who want to take their stupid waddling offspring to restaurants. Sadly, it isn't a piece of paper that simply says "Don't Even Think About Taking Those Little Shits Of Yours Anywhere Near A Restaurant".
Some of you may feel desperately sorry for those poor buggers who took their little dotes for a nice meal. They've wanted to treat themselves, introduce their children to new cuisine and ended up with a night where everyone glares at them, mutters obscenities under their breath, prompting reddened cheeks and frazzled nerves.
The rest of us don't feel sorry. We feel angry and stressed out simply by proximity to your awful, awful children. Restaurants are supposed to provide a bit of luxurious refuge for people who have had a rubbish week at work. They're supposed to sound like polite laughter and the gentle clinks of cutlery on plates - not like someone kicked a piglet through the door which has electrodes passing thousands of volts through its underdeveloped genitalia.
So what useful information does the guide give? Well, it suggests that you don't go to a restaurant that will stress you or the kids out. That's forgetting that children get stressed out the split-second they're asked to sit still. It also says that you ought to go when toddlers are not too hungry. Also, take books or small quiet toys, sit away from couples and, failing that, tie them up to a lamppost outside until they shut-up.
Top places to take your vomiting children are, according to the BBC, Giraffe, Pizza Express, Carluccio's Caffe, Wagamama, Nando's, Cafe Rouge and Zizzi. Although, in the case of Nando's, anyone eating in there, regardless of age, should be weeping loudly as the food is so insultingly dreadful.
The best thing to remember is that, while you think your child is consistently charming and brilliant, if it is throwing handfuls of faeces at diners, it might be a good idea to hoik them out and kick them into oncoming traffic.