Toddlers in restaurants - a guide is born

16 February 2011

A typical parent taking their typical child for a nice day out

What's worse than a baby on a plane? A toddler in a restaurant that's what. While you, as a functioning adult minding your own fucking business, try and spend some money on nice food and a civilised night out, along comes some braying little bollock with a wax-candle of snot on their top lip and tiny lungs able to implode your ears with guttural screams of pointless, needy anguish.

And now, someone has created a guide, aimed at parents who want to take their stupid waddling offspring to restaurants. Sadly, it isn't a piece of paper that simply says "Don't Even Think About Taking Those Little Shits Of Yours Anywhere Near A Restaurant".

Some of you may feel desperately sorry for those poor buggers who took their little dotes for a nice meal. They've wanted to treat themselves, introduce their children to new cuisine and ended up with a night where everyone glares at them, mutters obscenities under their breath, prompting reddened cheeks and frazzled nerves.

The rest of us don't feel sorry. We feel angry and stressed out simply by proximity to your awful, awful children. Restaurants are supposed to provide a bit of luxurious refuge for people who have had a rubbish week at work. They're supposed to sound like polite laughter and the gentle clinks of cutlery on plates - not like someone kicked a piglet through the door which has electrodes passing thousands of volts through its underdeveloped genitalia.

So what useful information does the guide give? Well, it suggests that you don't go to a restaurant that will stress you or the kids out. That's forgetting that children get stressed out the split-second they're asked to sit still. It also says that you ought to go when toddlers are not too hungry. Also, take books or small quiet toys, sit away from couples and, failing that, tie them up to a lamppost outside until they shut-up.

Top places to take your vomiting children are, according to the BBC, Giraffe, Pizza Express, Carluccio's Caffe, Wagamama, Nando's, Cafe Rouge and Zizzi. Although, in the case of Nando's, anyone eating in there, regardless of age, should be weeping loudly as the food is so insultingly dreadful.

The best thing to remember is that, while you think your child is consistently charming and brilliant, if it is throwing handfuls of faeces at diners, it might be a good idea to hoik them out and kick them into oncoming traffic.

TOPICS:   TV   Home   Restaurants


  • Alexis
    Tch, Brits eh? Pretty normal for Italians to go out for a family meal at 10pm, bambinos et al.
  • Dex
    tut tut tut Mof, go and fuck a doorknob, Nowt wrong with Nando's, no worse than KFC
  • Him
    If you dont like it, fuck off to Italy you prick.
  • Kevin
    If you decide (or are stupid enough not to control yourselves) to have children you have to take things into account. Like you can't go on living the way you did when you were childless.
  • The B.
    To be fair, there are good parents and bad parents, I have no problem with kids if they're well behaved and lots are, but some parents believe they have a divine right to do what they want, easiest thing to do is stick your foot out as the little shits run past.
  • Jax
    Who gives a fck about kids in a restaurant? Its when they let their savage snot nosed shits out of their cage in the cinema that I have a problem.
  • Hal
    that's one reader of bitterwallet lost forever. what a lame hateful post
  • Chris M.
    Oops, looks like you've upset a few people, and when I say a few, I mean the one's who can't keep their kids under control and should be sterilised.
  • jIM
    Even the best behaved child might play up at the worst possible times Your life dosen't stop when you have kids and if I want to go out with my boy in tow il do what I want. And to The Real Bob "easiest thing to do is stick your foot out as the little shits run past" not funny even in jest.
  • Mark C.
    "Giraffe, Pizza Express, Carluccio’s Caffe, Wagamama, Nando’s, Cafe Rouge and Zizzi" Heh, so they mean all the places already packed full of over-entitled middle class parents sneering down their noses at people who go to KFC, Pizza Hut or Chicken Slag. Who think where they are is somehow not the same chain shit because the staff aren't wearing baseball caps, and believe it's 'child friendly' because they don't come over and tell you to shut your shrieking brat up (it's not - they just don't give enough of a shit to look after their other diners). P.S. @ Bob - well I thought it was fucking hilarious.
  • Tom H.
    I won;t read this site again. I love my children and don't care about what someone like you thinks.
  • The B.
    jIM, it wasn't supposed to be funny, but neither is having some little shit running past screaming whilst I'm trying to eat, if you can't keep your kid sat down then I can't keep my foot still, see how that works?
  • Jonny X.
    I love it when my "spirited" little boy draws looks of contempt from fellow diners. Get back to your food-bags! Or, put your hand in your pocket, pay a bit more and visit a higher class of establishment. Average price of a main course more the £20? That's your child-free zone right there.
  • jIM
    The Ral Bob. No I don't see how it works, one is annoying and the other is causing physical harm to a child. I keep my 2 and 1/2 year old on a short leash (figurativly before anyone calls the RSPCC) he knows right from wrong as much as a toddle can and I would never let him run around in a resturant as he will be strapped into a highchair. But kids of that age can't be stopped from getting upset/crying/shouting etc when the mood takes them even if you are Mr and Mrs Perfect Parents. Although (I hope) your point about tripping a small child is hypathetical you have to understand why it might upset people. Im not a confrontational or voilent man but belive me anyone caught doing harm to one of mine would be spending the next 6 months in traction and thats before the wife get hold of them. If you had kids you would understand and if you do then you know full well where im coming from
  • The B.
    kIM, I fully appreciate that in terms of children, screaming, crying, etc there isn't a whole a parent can do, especially with the small ones, but here's my objection, kids running/wandering around with no one overseeing them annoying the hell out of other diners, I wouldn't want my own kids chasing each other around my table while I'm trying to eat, why on earth would I want someone else's doing the same? Jonny X, why would you bring price into it unless you think this is a class thing? Bad parenting runs across the board, if you can't control your kids then you shouldn't have had them regardless of how much money you have, the only difference viz price is that the more you pay, the more likely the staff are going to turf you out rather than turning a blind eye.
  • Mark C.
    "If you had kids you would understand " Patronising drivel. As if anyone who hasn't dropped a sprog is some sort of robotic monster, gleefully forking babies into a furnace. It's that sort of 'Won't anyone think of the children?' attitude that the Daily Fail invokes to attempt to get everything in the world banned, in case it could harm someone's kid. Having dined out a great deal both here and in Europe, UK parents seem to have a real blind spot where it comes to engaging with their kids while they're out for dinner - as if they're some sort of inconvenience that they have to bring along - while certainly in France and Italy at least, the kids are a central part of the event, and keeping them occupied and happy is of primary importance. Kids tend to misbehave if they're bored or attention-starved, so either get a babysitter and leave them at home, or accept the fact that taking them out with you means constant attention, and probably not getting to eat half your meal.
  • Milky
    spot on Mark C. All you get is weak eyed goofy grins of apology & fuck all done about the problem in hand (the kids & possibly the parents lax attitude). It stems from the parents ability or inability to take control of the situation & raise a well mannered child. Time for nosebag with a kid makes for an enjoyable family time if you exclud kiddie crap like Macdonalds meals with toys etc (nothing but expectation, & certainly no nutrition). My Daughter has been eating sushi since she was 3 (basic admittedly) now enjoys, baby squid, octopus, snails, adult strength cheeses, because we've involved her in eating & eating out since she was a baby, ..till recently she was nigh on a self imposed vegetarian, now she'll hammer a bit of fillet steak, gut fish with me, & cook meals helping with basic food prep. we've got to learn to respect food again & understand that eating out is a treat not to be taken lightly, left, or thrown around the room.
  • Jonny x.
    @ The Real Bob. It's not a class thing. My point is that there are establishments that I would not be willing to take my child, as I don't consider them to be appropriate. It could be due to ambience, cuisine or just an out-and-out no kids policy. It just so happens that, in my experience, these places tend to be the on the more expensive end of the scale.
  • Unfriendly
    Guess what asshole? When you finally earn and save enough from your shitty writing to go buy your own restaurant or deserted island for that matter, then maybe you can escape the dreaded rest of us, including the most innocent and pure of our kind, snotty noses and all. Until then, your poor soul must deal with the fact that you live in a society where we all have to live together. OH NOS! That includes me having to live with the likes of you and your liberal child-hating ilk.

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