Journeys on Chiltern Railways now some kind of fairground ROFL-ride

Bitterwallet - train fares increase

The daily rail commute can be unbearable for some of us, so we all should all be thankful to Chiltern Railways for their injection of some much-needed forced jollity into their service. They’ve enlisted hilarity-merchant Tony Robinson to come up with some new scripts for staff to read out as announcements, in an attempt to lighten proceedings and turn those passengers’ frowns upside down.

Here’s some of the rib-ticklers that Robinson has come up with, in association with Green Wing writer Richard Preddy. We’re sure you’ll find them all hilarious…

• ‘Welcome to Marylebone. If you’ve travelled to London for a business meeting later, today’s recommended meaningless phrases are “blue sky thinking,” “moving forward,” and “low-hanging fruit”.’

• ‘Welcome to London Marylebone. Would any passengers hoping to sell their cow for a handful of magic beans please make their way to Jack and the Beanstalk immediately.’

• ‘If there is a Mr Mowgli on the station, Mr Mowgli you have the following message. “Ooh, oobee doo. I wanna be like you. I wanna walk like you. Talk like you, too.” That was a message for Mr Mowgli, thank you.’

• ’For any passengers who’ve not visited London before, do please prepare yourselves for the capital’s overwhelmingly calm and relaxing pace of life.’

• ‘Our next station stop is Bicester, which is the second most wrongly pronounced station on this line, above Haddenham and Thame, but behind London Marlbon. Marlybon. Mary Lee Bone. You know what I mean.’

• ‘Soon we will be passing Warwick Parkway’s famous herd of alpacas. There are rumours that one of them is actually Gareth Gates in a costume. Can you spot him?’

• ‘Next stop: Banbury, which is famous for its canals. It’s a little known fact that Banbury actually has fewer canals than Venice!’

• ‘You are advised that listening to loud music can annoy other passengers. Other ways to annoy them are to block the exits, push onto the train, or call everyone you meet “Denise”.’

Got any suggestions of your own, readers?


  • The B.
    Got any suggestions of your own, readers? Yes, someone shoot the c**t that wrote that dross, and by dross I'm not just talking about the humorous announcements, he wrote the Green Wing too.
  • LanceVance
    I laughed a lot!! That might be the weed i'm smoking kicking in though!?! Yeah i think it is.
  • Andrew C.
    I liked the announcer a little while ago when pulling into London Victoria (not the London Victoria who's number I found in a phone box once, but the station): "Any forgotten baggage and belongings will be available to collect from ebay next week". It was very funny. I invented commuting you know. Wasn't that nice of me?
  • David
    It's only for a week! Some tie-up with GOLD
  • Sawyer
    "Anyone for crazy golf? You'd have to be crazy to play in this weather... next stop is Denham Golf Club"
  • Sawyer
    forgot to add that's what the conductor announced on a recent Chiltern Railways journey during a particularly wet weekend. Obviously he attended the training early. And yes, that is a real station.
  • Richard M.
    Last time I traveled from Didcot to London, (can't remember if it was Chiltern) there was an announcement from, I presume the driver or conductor, that went something like: "Good morning Ladies & Gentlemen, I would just like to inform you that there is no buffet car on this train, there is no drinks trolley either, in fact you cannot purchase a sandwich or a beverage of any kind. In fact, nothing at all. Zilch. This is not my fault. This is entirely down to bad management."
  • Staff h.
    Conductor: Sorry, ticket not valid Pass: Paid £120 Bristol to London, why not? Conductor: Because . You'll need a new ticket. Pass: k, how much? Conductor: Full price ticket, £188 please. *suppressed smile* Pass: wtf? Conductor: Oh, and its standing only. We fucked up the reservations so that's someone else's seat Pass: !! Conductor: First class is available. Only £275. And the air con works in there so unlike the common rife raff you wont freeze your nads off whilst unpicking chewing gum from your arse Conductor: Or. you could stand in the bar. We do a lovely coffee for £8.25. Pass: *begrudgingly coughs up* Conductor: Would you like to hear a joke.... THWACK
  • Mike H.
    What's the difference between my wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
  • Mike B.
    Your wife still sucks Mike; just not you.
  • Mike s.
    She stopped sucking when she started licking.
  • Chlamydia P.
    Announcer: "London. Fuck off out of our train"
  • Mad H.
    ^ can't help but read that in the voice of the Dangermouse narrator
  • Norbert M.
    Chiltern Railways have just trebled their ticket prices from London to Birmingham. No wonder the C8NTS are laughing.
  • qwertyuiop
    Oh my sides, how they split so. Seriously though, Tony Robinson is wasted on Time Team and all the other historical shows he fronts and sadly, his contribution to these "rib-ticklers" is evident. Bring back Blackadder!
  • Denzil M.
    How many Chiltern Railways managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, since none of them have the brightest idea. Cocks.
  • Megan J.
    There's already one son-of-a-bitch driver who makes jokes on late arrival at Marylebone and has been doing so for years. His witty repartee consists of references to X Factor and the weather. Give that man his own radio show. And kill him.
  • Chuntering b.
    This is merely a piece of puffery for GOLD - a long-forgotten greatgrandson of UK Gold, who now shove the same tired old garbage at us many times a day with lashings of self-promotion and meaningless presention guff. GOLD, meet Chiltern Railways. Oh. You already met.
  • FatalException
    Welcome to Banbury. Thanks to the Kraft factory the whole town stinks of shit. Enjoy.
  • Dick
    You've cum in the wrong place. The hookers are at Kings Cross.

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