Boris striving to boost mobile networks for Olympics - nation sighs

boris-becker- Dig if you will a picture, of you, sitting in the Olympic Stadium next summer, just moments after Usain Bolt has somehow done the 100m in 6.8 seconds. You reach for your mobile phone to ring your mates and blurt out “Did you see THAT? I did – in real life. Because I am THERE!” Well, it probably won’t happen (not least because we doubt you’ve got a ticket).

The other reason why it won’t happen is because Boris Johnson has announced that he expects the mobile phone networks in and around the Olympic Stadium to be completely crippled during the Games. The increasing of data-hungry smartphones coupled with the huge number of people who will be attending the running, jumping and throwing festival means that it could be nigh-on impossible to send or receive so much as a text at certain points. Kind of like New Year’s Eve, but without the shameful drunkenness.

In spite of the fears, Boris remains characteristically confident that it’ll all be okay, something which convinces us that it almost certainly won’t be. He says: "We are doing a huge amount of work to ensure there is enough coverage. But we have got to be realistic, in the men's 100m final people want to download huge quantities of data which will put a massive strain on the networks. We are looking to install enough masts and have enough physical infrastructure and coverage for the huge demands, I am confident we will crack it."

It won’t just be the punters who could be bereft of mobile coverage – organisational staff will be relying on the airwaves and Transport For London have a text message travel scheme that they’re about to launch. Don’t worry everyone, Boris will probably start working away in his shed 48 hours before it all kicks off, endeavouring to come up with an ingenious invention that will make it all okay. The twat.


  • Dick
    It wouldn't surprise me if mobile phones from the "wrong" company get banned in the stadia at the sponsored games.
  • Tweedskin
    Why in Satan's Portion will people watching the 100m Mens final be downloading Loads of data? Surely they will be watching the event? Or did they just buy tickets for the shits and giggles?
  • Tom
    Why the fuck is the Mayor of London getting involved anyway? Mobile phones are goods and services offered by private companies. It's up to each individual company to decide if they want to ensure their customers can get a signal, not a politician. Keep your fucking nose out, Boris. What next? Anne Widdecombe wants assurances from Starbucks that they'll have enough wooden stirrers during the Olympics? Fuck the lot of 'em.
  • Boris
    WTF! I love you guys like a dog loves his vixen but cut me some slack. I'm already jolly-well half way through a solution or two and will have it all sorted on time - bosh bosh. I'ts going to be jolly clever and use these new fangled extra-zippy neutrinos. If the worst come to the worst I've worked out this way where everybody can get off their fucking phones and just watch the actual spectacle of sport I've personally laid on for them. Anybody wankery enough to be on the phone is likely to be a terrorist planning to bomb the stadium and will get a visit from my special friend. P.S. I've already sorted the stirrer thing so get of your high horse Tom. This is going to be the best games ever and nothing can possibly go wrnog.

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