Bog-standard toilet paper no good for soft-ass Yanks
Researchers have found another way in which fat, greedy Americans are snuffing out Mother Planet (aka Dame Earth). To be blunt, it’s through their objectionable use of softer-than-soft bog roll.
While we sturdy Europeans simply wipe once with a dried dock leaf and then carry on as though nothing untoward has happened, it seems that the Yanks are becoming increasingly reliant on multi-ply arse-cleansing solutions, much to the detriment of the aforementioned Lady Globe.
More than 98% of the toilet roll sold in The Land Of The Free comes from virgin forests, which according to Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council is, “a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution."
So what’s to be done? The yoghurt-weavers at Greenpeace are launching a campaign aimed at educating Americans to snap the fuck out of it, be more like the rest of the world and start using recycled loo roll.
But it’s set to be a tough battle as Americans frantically wipe their way through three times as much lavatory paper per person than the average European, and 100 times more than the average person in China.
Some might say it’s because they’re all completely full of shit but we couldn’t possibly comment…