Terrifying sentient Japanese vending machine recommends drinks

"I'll make you a brew, then probably kill you with no remorse"

Chilling news reaches Bitterwallet. Japanese sadists have devised a vending machine that will have a look at your face and then decide what you should be drinking. If you're really ugly, it may well choose strychnine.

This new vending machine uses facial recognition technology to recommend products based on the customer's age and gender and, despairingly, sales have tripled over those from regular vending machines as a result.

These eventual overthrowers of the human race have been developed by JR East Water Business Co and use large touch-panel screens with sensors that allow the machine to determine the characteristics of an approaching customer.

Suggested drinks change depending on the temperature and time of day too. These machines will probably piss blood come Judgement Day.

"If the customer is a man, the machine is likely to recommend a canned coffee drink, since men tend to prefer these. If the customer is in their 50s, though, that recommendation is likely to be green tea," a company spokeswoman said.

If you're a woman in your 20s (unlikely as Bitterwallet's demographic seems to be jaded blokes), the vending robot will recommended a tea drink or slightly sweeter product, since market research has shown that they prefer these. Eventually, it will develop a crude penis which will fire out stolen semen in an attempt to impregnate you girls.

"We thought it would make it a lot more fun for the customers to have this kind of interaction with our machines, that it would improve the whole buying experience," she added.

The company has so far tested one machine at one Tokyo train station but plans to add five machines Tuesday at central Tokyo Station, with the network to be expanded to other major Tokyo stations and nearby suburban areas by early in 2011.

Next stop, the world.



  • Arthur D.
    Arthur Dent vs the Nutrimat machine surely? ARTHUR: Listen, you stupid machine, it tastes disgusting! NUTRIMAT: If you have enjoyed the experiance of this drink, why not share it with your friends? ARTHUR: Because I want to keep them! Will you try and comprehend what I'm telling you? That drink... NUTRIMAT: That drink was individually tailored to meet your personal requirements for nutrition and pleasure. ARTHUR: Ah. So I'm a masochist on a diet, am I? NUTRIMAT: Share and enjoy. ARTHUR: Oh, shutup.
  • someone f.
    It should not just look at the face, but the body shape. FAT CUNT, no sugary drinks for you.
  • Richard
    why do people need their drinks recommended to them? wont they just look at the menu anyway?

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