UK Segway boss dies after... falling off a cliff on his Segway


The modern equivalent of a Sinclair C5, the Segway, is a ludicrous vehicle. While they may be fun, chances are that, should you drive to work on one, you'll find that when you get to your destination, your back will be covered in flob.

Or, there's a chance you'll die, just like the multi-millionaire businessman who owns the UK Segway company.

Jimi Heselden has sadly ceased-to-be after riding one of the preposterous contraptions off a cliff and into a river. We don't normally laugh at people dying... rest assured, this is our way of coping with the depressing reality of it all.

Anyway, the 62-year-old crashed into the River Wharfe on a rugged country version of the Segway. A passer-by found Heselden alongside his Segway in the Boston Spa area at about 11.40am on Sunday.

A spokesman for West Yorkshire Police said today: "Police were called at 11.40am yesterday to reports of a man in the River Wharfe, apparently having fallen from the cliffs above. A Segway-style vehicle was recovered. He was pronounced dead at the scene. At this time we do not believe the death to be suspicious."

A completely fictional source added " was very funny though, thanks to irony and a cruel sense of humour."

Next week: More ironic deaths as Bitterwallet writer found dead after being beaten to a bloody pulp by laptop wielding griever on a Segway.


  • Richard
    Am I the only one who thinks this was a suicide. BBC News notes a large charitable donation by Jimi earlier this month.
  • Si
    That's got to deserve a Darwin Award.
  • zeddy
    Fair play to him. It was a brilliant segue from life to death.
  • matt b.
    Yeah, I also thought it sounded like a suicide. Won't be so funny when they find the note, will it BW?
  • andy y.
    I tries to do it proper but kept comin' up a cropper I needs some hype i think i'll ram raid happy shopper Haven't got a car so i use a space hopper Bouncing to the window, cut my head, show stopper I want a hundred fans, 200 teeny boppers I want police protection from 87 coppers I wanna go gold even better platinum If you wanna be a star you gotta kill yourself, man It's the truth step back, take a look around Elvis is dead for being fat - 500 pound Kurt cobain's rich as fcuk he's buried in the ground Jimi hendrix and his amp still ain't makin' no sound Michael hutchence, he's one of 'em too Made a hundred million quid dying tossing on the loo
  • Chris S.
    Im taking bitterwallet off my RSS, this is just the lowest of the low.
  • StuPid
    He's only owned Segway UK for a couple of months. What the headline should be is 'Incredibly generous bloke who donated millions to make many lives better died in a tragic accident' but its a bit trickier to take the piss out of that. Come on Bitterwallet - some targets (Vodafone) deserve your scathing wit, but not this guy.
  • Phil
    I wonder if the share prices have plummeted?
  • Nick T.
    The police in Tenerife buzz around on these things and they look bloody ridiculous, even if they chew gum and wear Ray-Bans in a desperate attempt to look hard. Muggers only need run up some stairs and they're home free. Imagine if their police wore tabards saying the Spanish equivalent of 'Police Community Support Officer'. That's the level of twattism we're talking about.
  • Codify
    Hilarious story guys. Well done. I hope you are all slapping yourselves on the back. Any chance of a follow up story with a close-up picture of the grieving widow? I'm sure that will be equally funny.
  • zeddy
    Some folk on here have more faces than the townhall clock.
  • Rafe D.
    @ Codify Sorry, she's not available. She's busy being puked on by Barry Shitpeas.
  • Paul C.
    Some of you need to get a grip. You're acting as if he was your old man. Actually.... If you were his child you'd probably be rubbing your hands with glee. But hardly pun-filled piss taking was it? You are all going to die. One way or another. (though unlikely off a Segway from a cliff into a river - 7/10 his double pike was sloppy)
  • Paul S.
    What zeddy said.
  • Annoyed
    Usually love your work BW, but as per above posts, this is pretty low... One of the most generous, down to earth blokes around... RIP
  • agatha
    Spare us , O Lord, from sanctimonious types

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