Mobile phones: Are they cancering one off all over you?

26 April 2012

Really nice mobile phone action

The Health Protection Agency today publishes a review of the evidence they've got concerning mobile phones and whether or not they give you brain cancer. If you can't be bothered with our tawdry round-up, then the full report can be found if you click these differently coloured words.

Of course, this has been reported elsewhere with varying angles, with the Independent and Guardian saying that there's no clear evidence that mobiles will make your brain melt. However, our chums at the Times and Telegraph are more jumpy, saying that mobiles might cause cancer. Even the Daily Mail were more laissez faire about it all.

Basically, this is the low-down: Evidence suggests that that RF [radiofrequency] field exposure won't give you cancer and can't even be detected by people. However, as mobile phone technology is still new, there is little information on the risks beyond 15 years from first exposure. Thus far though, there is no indication of any risk. Concerning RF field exposure, there's no substantial evidence of adverse health effects regarding cardiovascular morbidity and reproductive function.

So basically, where we stand right now, is that your brain is fine and you'll still be able to maintain an erection. If you can't, it certainly isn't the fault of your phone.

The conclusion in the actual report states: "The overall results of epidemiological studies to date do not demonstrate that the use of mobile phones causes brain tumours or any other type of malignancy, nor do they suggest that causation is likely. They give considerable evidence against a material causal effect on brain tumour risk within 10 years since first use, and to a lesser extent within 15 years, but give far less information about longer periods. There is very limited information on risks of childhood tumours."

"As mobile phone use has proved very difficult to measure retrospectively in recall-based studies, and has become ubiquitous over a relatively short period of time, considerable weight needs to be given to evidence from national brain tumour incidence trends. So far, these give no indication of any risk, but continued surveillance of them is not difficult and would be valuable."

HPA will continue to keep an eye on mobiles and the effects they may have on us and, at worst, they advise that excessive use of mobile phones by children should be discouraged. For now.


  • Dick
    iphones turn you into a twat. Or is it just that twats buy iphones?
  • Mike H.
    Both, Dick. Both.
  • Nil
    so if a woman cant maintain an erection, it's not the fault of her phone?
  • Homeless J.
    Jesus Christ, Bitter Wallet are a bit late to the party here
  • Dogturd A.
    The best thing to maintain an erection is a frisky session with a fox. Or fox porn.
  • Megan F.
  • whatsit t.
    ^It's actually '?!'
  • Phuck Y.
    I know Homeless Joe. The dickheads still haven't copied and pasted the story about apple being sued by the USS for price fixing eBooks yet! They really are cretins.
  • Phuck Y.
    The USS?
  • Phuck Y.
    To be fair though, I really do hope that the iPhone is cancer inducing. A bit of cleansing is what the country needs. And less cunts, the better.
  • The P.
    How uncool, our clients are all using the iPhone 7 which not only doesn't cause cancer, it actively cures it, you Brits are so behind in the technology stakes, no wonder you're all so bitter.
  • Shanniaa
    @Mike Hock Well! I never thought I'd hear a guy utter those words "Both, Dick, both." The last time I said that I was with two guys and they wanted to know who would go first...
  • Dogturd A.
    @ Shanniaa Was there also any fox action?
  • Mike H.
    I know Shanniaa, I was one of those guys. We spit roasted you good and proper.

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