Microsoft create virtual child who will surely end the world

milo and his dead eyesWhen people think of a horrifying future, it tends to involve robots or aliens. They're stupid. That's because, whilst they've been nervously looking at the sky or dreaming of smashing ASIMO to a pieces with a lump hammer, the virtual world has been sneaking up on the blind-side like Tron.

Leading the way for our inevitable downfall is Microsoft who this week, showed off our future leader who is a virtual human called Milo.

Milo is no ordinary pixel-boy. This creepy little shit is able to react to your movements and voice... and... *gulp*... your emotions.

Our new Grand Ruler is being slowly introduced to the world via the Microsoft Xbox 360 motion-thingy, Kinect.

Veteran UK games designer Peter Molyneux, the evil bastard that spawned Milo, says: "I want to introduce a new revolution in storytelling. Films, TV, even hallowed books, are just rubbish because they don't involve me. It's a sea of blandness."

"We're changing the mind of Milo constantly," he said. "No two people's Milos can be the same - you are actually sculpting a human being. Some of the things you are doing will change the course of his life."

In what sounds like some grim government experiment, Molyneux said that Milo exploits psychological techniques to make us feel that Milo was real.

"After three-quarters of a hour, he recognises you," said Mr Molyneux. "I can promise you that if you are sitting in front of this screen, that is a truly wonderful moment." He then ominously added: "There are lots of adventures - some of which are quite dark. His mind is based in the cloud. As millions of people use it, Milo will get smarter."

What an innocuous way of informing us of the end of civilisation. It is obvious that Milo will use our hive mind to make us turn on each other as we obediently agree to a mass culling of the human race. Any who survive the mass murdery will invariably drown in the blood of those that died before, leaving Milo to stare blankly out of the screen and say in a cold, dead voice...

"Is something wrong? Can we not play any more?"

Here's a video of our new leader. Be warned - this is one charismatic little cretin who, if we get the chance, must be killed at the very first opportunity or he'll exploit the evil that lies in each and every one of us.


  • The B.
    Mmmmm, that's right Milo, suck Daddy's purple lollipop.
  • Jimbodeni
    Finally...a way paedophiles can practice grooming!
  • wainy
    Moaty! It's Milo! I've brought a fishing rod!
  • Ed B.
    This news is ancient. Are you a pensioner or something? Do you want my Gameboy Advance?
  • Rolly
    From the reports I have read, Milo is a bit shit. Kinect looks like even more vague than the wiimote.
  • LivingInThePast
    2009 called, it wants its video back.
  • Codify
    Holy crap, this is even more outdated than the chicken-in-a-can story.
  • THE D.
    i would like to examine her closer
  • Sideysid
    This version of milo is more believable
  • Bored
    Is there a reason why you're repeating a story over a year old?
  • Zleet
    Just dress as a catholic priest, it'll scare the shit out of it.
  • Fat S.
    Does Milo play Blu-Ray films?
  • milky
    so is ther a cyber call line for all the bullying & beating up he's going to encounter? I'd like to see the rendering for his bruises, this shit will happen, poor milo he'll be every wound up kids stooge. Even creepier still can you dress Milo up to make him look "purdy" ? This is seriously open to some inventive forms of abuse. Hmmm microsoft what have you done?

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