ChildDefence app will save your children from paedophiles!

24 January 2011

pedobearTechnology has been something of a godsend to paedophiles. Instead of charging at children in playgrounds in their grubby, stained tracksuit bottoms, they can now sit at home and groom them online.

Of course, all children are stupid enough to fall for their tricks, making the internet the most dangerous place in the world! And so, we look to Isis Forensics who are officially the new heroes of the world!

Why? Well, they've developed an app called 'ChildDefence' which will either save our kids from 'being tucked in' or, indeed, help paedophiles to develop more sophisticated methods of chatting children up.


Reports say that the software analyses the text of conversations children are having on the web or on their phones by identifying patterns in language used by different age groups use. So if you're going to groom a child by telling them how John Barnes was always a bit disappointing when he played for England or, indeed, that you refuse to call Marathons by their new Snickers name, it'll probably catch you out.

And so, now this app exists, we can send our children running naked and free online without a trace of worry or fear. Hell, you can be so certain that ChildDefence works that you should force your child into wearing lipstick and hotpants every time they use a piece of technology. This is truly wonderful news for everyone... except those stinking kidfids.

The app will be available for free on iPhone and Android phones.

TOPICS:   Technology   Mobile


  • Gunn
    I saw a feature on this on BBC Breakfast this morning, the main issue with it is that it requires you to copy and paste the conversation into the program, surely some sort of automated plugin could be created for the browser or perhaps integrated into the chat forums.
  • andy y.
    Kids should do less dangerous things like spend time in Catholic church or take lessons with an accredited swimming coach.
  • Mark F.
    Booo Booo......Gunge the Paedo!!!
  • Chris M.
    I've created one of these programs myself, it samples the DNA of the person you're talking to, if it's more crab than human it alerts you, I'm calling it Nonse Sense.

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