Apple launch: the only 10 things you need to actually know about it
Can't be bothered wading through yesterday's liveblogs and don't want a load of bloody analysis. Well, basically, here's a list with some jokes in it.
1. Apple CEO Tim Cook still looks like Paul O'Grady.
2. There's two new iPhones out. One is called the iPhone 6s and the other one is called the iPhone 6S Plus. Apple reckon they're better than the old iPhones. They would say that though.
3. There's an iPad Pro. It is large. Again, Apple reckon it is miles better than the other iPads.
4. There's also an Apple Pencil. Steve Jobs ranted about the humble stylus in 2007, but Steve Jobs is dead, so there's no point in referring to what he likes and dislikes constantly.
5. The Apple Watches will have straps and that, made in collaboration with Hermès. You might not have heard of this particular company, but you can Google them to see if you care. Or just look at this picture and you'll get the idea.
6. Everything we assumed about Apple TV was correct. It'll have Siri, a remote that acts like a controller from Nintendo's Wii, and it'll have a new interface which looks like Netflix.
7. That '3D touch' thing we've been going on about, where you can do different functions on your devices by pressing down harder on your screen? They did it. It is totally a thing.
8. They'll still be more expensive than other phones. Apple fans don't mind that. It is better news for Android fans who like complaining about the price of Apple products.
9. OneRepublic played at the event. They sound like this.
10. There's a new OS due. You don't need to know anything else, so shut up.