Airplane wi-fi of the terrifying Potato Men
Airlines and aircraft makers have been trying to sort out WiFi on planes for a while now and, in their bid to do so, they are testing out technology on terrifying human-potato hybrid people.
Cruel engineers at Boeing have created genetically modified Potato Men and are sending them to their death as they work on their vile experiments, designed to get us a wireless signal while we fly to some awful destination.
These poor Potato Men were forced to sit motionlessly for days at a time while scientists gathered data. Humans, it seems, can't sit still for long enough. "That's where potatoes come into the picture," Boeing spokesman Adam Tischler said.
The Potato Men were created because their water content and chemistry absorb and reflect radio wave signals in a similar way to humans. "It's a testament to the ingenuity of these engineers. They didn't go in with potatoes as the plan," Mr Tischler said.
Tischler said a member of the research team came across an article in the Journal of Food Science describing research in which 15 vegetables were evaluated for their dielectric properties, which ended up in the creation of Potato Men, who were then sent to their inevitable deaths in the name of getting scum like you an internet signal, which you'll only use to send boring tweets anyway.
Next week: Bitterwallet's official campaign to raise awareness to the plight of the Potato Men, headed up by Bruno Brookes