Starbucks go drive-thru so we can scald ourselves easier
Scalding your genitalia as you attempt to drive around while drinking piping hot coffee is about to become easier than ever before – that’s because Starbucks are aiming to open 200 brand new ‘drive-thru’ branches over the next five years.
In a statement that was seemingly made up by throwing a few nice-sounding words together, Starbucks say that they “will bring new levels of comfort and environmental performance to the roadside”. Comfort? We’ll be in our cars. We won’t be getting out. That’s how drive-thru works. Hang on – are they saying that their ‘coffee houses’ are less comfortable than the inside of a car? They are aren’t they? Idiots.
They’ve already opened nine of their drive-thrus across the land and say that at least half of the 200 new ones will be operated under licence by petrol forecourt retailer Euro Garages, with the majority opening in the Midlands and The North. Seemingly The South and The Southerners aren’t ready for such motorized sophistication yet.
Right, we’re off to the Bitterwallet lab to make some silicone genital protectors for coffee-supping motorists to wear before they visit these comfortable venues…