WIN one of three Amazon Kindles with Bitterwallet!

16 August 2010

Bitterwallet - win an Amazon Kindle 3GYes, it's time to sink our hands deep into our pockets and give away shiny tech to our avid readers. We've got no less than three new Amazon Kindles for you to win - they're top dog too, with WiFi, 3G and a complimentary bag of wolf onions. Read your favourite books wherever you are, assuming you can read. Which you obviously can.

But how can a lowlife like YOU get you hands on one of these pieces of futurama? Easy, friend. Like a trained seal, simply perform one or all of the following tasks by Friday, and in a week's time it could be YOUR name we're writing in indelible marker across the screen.

Here goes:

1) Follow @bitterwallet on Twitter, and complete the following quote in 10 words or less:

"Salutations, friend. You should follow @bitterwallet because..."

You need to tweet your completed quote, including a link to Bitterwallet. For example:

Bitterwallet - competition tweet
We'll pick one Twitter user at random and they'll win a Kindle 3G.

2) Join our page on Facebook, and complete the following quote in 10 words or less:

"Reading Bitterwallet is like making love to a bird with three tits, y'know, like that one in Total Recall, because..."

You need to post your completed quote on our Facebook wall. We'll pick one Facebook user at random and they'll win a Kindle 3G.

3) Every day this week, avid Bitterwallet editor Andy is reliving some of the shopfloor nightmares he's endured over the years, so we want your Retail Tales too, of screwed-up sales staff and baffling behaviour. Tell us your stories in the comments section below - we'll pick a favourite and they'll win a Kindle 3G.

There you go. You can enter to win each of the Kindles once, which means you've three chances of being a big Bitterwallet winner. You have until 5pm on Friday to enter, so off you go and best of luck! And fans of official small print – your luck's in:

  • The competition ends on Friday 20th August 2010 at 5pm GMT
  • Open to UK residents only
  • One person per household may enter
  • Only one entry per person for each of the three means of entry will be valid
  • You must include a valid email address if commenting below
  • The prize will be dispatched to the winner within fourteen working days of Bitterwallet receiving it from Amazon
  • Bitterwallet cannot determine nor guarantee delivery time of prize, nor its compatibility or available features in any given country
  • Bitterwallet’s decision regarding the winner is final and no correspondence will be entered into

TOPICS:   Social Media   Gadgets

51 comments

  • Tom W.
    I used to work for a large retailer (ahem Dixons) and one day a guy came into the shop with a carrier bag full of electronic parts asking for a exchange under his insurance policy as he had managed to drop his Xbox (original, not 360) under a bus which had proceeded to run over it and squash it flat. Once we had stopped laughing, we gave him a new xbox! Wish I would have taken a photo of that poor bastard squashed xbox!
  • Ben
    I'd like to share two tales, if I may. One nice, one not so. 1) There was but one bookshop in the small home counties market town I lived in a decade ago. It was a great place to work as it meant endless proof copies of upcoming titles from publishers and required little real effort as there was no competition. It had one major drawback though: across from us was an alleyway between a church and a gate leading to an unontrusive flat above a shop. Slowly, the staff became aware that the flat above the shop wasn't the residential dwelling it seemed but was a fully-fledged knocking shop. Now, that's not a problem in and of itself. What was a problem is seeing a fat, balding, sweaty man emerge from behind that gate, waddle across the road to us, pick up a book and bring it to the counter to buy. As he placed the book down on the desk (made of glass, in some late-nineties estimation of style), a big imprint of his sweaty hand was left behind. I served him. I took his money. I placed his change on the counter, which he took with a swipe of his hand. A streak of sweat and, oh God, slightly lumpy liquid, was smeared across the glass. He took his book and left. Neither my hands, nor the counter, could ever be washed enough. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Blargh. 2) A nicer story. During my student years I worked in a little off-licence in a posh part of a Scottish city. Every evening, a cute girl would come in, buy the same bottle of rosé from the chiller and walk away. I was in a relationship at the time so didn't chase her but she was flirty in a shy kinda way. Eventually that rosé came off of special offer and out of the chillers. Cute girl was sad when this happened, but still bought her wine even though it was warm. I felt sorry for her so put a single bottle in the chiller behind everything else just for her. I told her this the following day and she was delighted. The day after this, she came in and I again dug into the back of the chiller to get her single bottle. She was unusually quiet. I thought it odd but wrapped the bottle and asked for the cash. She pushed a note across the desk and looked at me with these big, kinda sad eyes. I gave her change to her and she ran out the door. I thought it really odd, and only realised once she'd left that she hadn't just handed over some money but also her telephone number on a tiny piece of pink paper. I didn't want to call because I was (and still am) in a pretty fantastic relationship. I wanted to tell her this. I didn't know her name and she didn't know mine, so I would've felt stupid calling her to let her down. Worse, she never came back into the off-licence ever again so I never got a chance to explain. Cute rosé-drinking girl - I'm sorry and I hope you weren't too sad at my idiocy. But, for Christ's sake, in future plan these things out in a bit more detail, would you?
  • StuPid
    This tale takes us back to 2002, when I worked in a small pub in Wales. There were 3 students including myself and 'Nivek' (assumed name) that did evening shifts after lectures. This was before the 24 hours law so we were well known for staying open late for the regulars, as long as we got a few beers out of it. One evening, we had some guests staying in the pub - apparently contractors, who did all the paperwork and seemed friendly enough. I handed over the reins to Nivek and left him in charge for the evening at around 8pm. These lads had a tab running, as all the paperwork said they had plenty of cash and would be able to settle up in the morning. Nivek also had a few drinks with them on their tab, and the night went on. Pretty soon the only people left were the contractors and Nivek - and he continued to have plenty more drinks, before falling asleep on a bar stool. The next morning, the boss asks me to cover a shift as they stole 2K from the safe, £300 from the till, who knows how much from the stock and emptied the pool table. Nivek wasn't fired either!
  • Mark P.
    I used to work in a dockside bar that was, to put it mildly, a little rough. It all began after I moved to this well-known (and utterly crap) port town. The town itself was bad enough, rammed full of ne'er-do-wells and a smorgasbord of freaks, but the closer you got to the port the worse the punters became. The vile clientele that poured through our doors was continuously topped-up thanks to the convenient location of the bar. It was the first watering hole the transients clattered into as they stepped off their ships onto terra firma. Some of our customers wouldn't have looked out of place in a zoo and a couple still make me shudder when I remember how nauseating they were. The bar itself was a monumental shithole. The drab interior got wrecked most weeks by the locals fighting with the fleeting (then fleeing) masses. The owner had tried to add a pointless touch of sparkle by hosting live acoustic jazz bands most nights, but the contrast between the music and the atmosphere was laughable. Imagine a clarinet concerto in the aftermath of the Brixton riots and you'll be halfway there. My job as chief barman was without question the worst means of paying my rent I've ever had. I'd only been working there for six months but I'd just about had enough, what with having to blindly ignore the constant criminal activity and put up with the ebb and flow of human detritus that wafted through. I’d developed a bit of a cunt's attitude to my customers, as it was the only way to get through the nights. The final straw came on a particularly busy shift. To give you some idea of the kind of bullshit I had to put up with, earlier in the day I'd endured a full sweep of the place by the authorities to assist them with a fucking manhunt. It was definitely not shaping up to be a good evening. I was serving a particularly short-fused customer with the motley jazz band in full swing when the door swung open. I knew at once we were due for big trouble. It was a group of four drifters who looked *completely* out of place; that is, they looked relatively normal compared to our usual patrons. The first problem was that two of the members of this group were obviously flaming homosexuals and this was *not* a gay-friendly bar. The taller chap was a sight to behold. He was worryingly camp, wearing a lurid gold outfit that Liberace himself would have sent back to the shop for being too ostentatious. The short, fat one was relatively straight-acting but I’d already made my mind up. This feckless bling-clad mincer and his stumpy companion were attracting exactly the wrong kind of attention from the burly crowd assembled in front of the bar. I had to do something quickly, so I made it clear that I wouldn’t be serving either of them. The young bloke in the group had a quick word and thankfully, the sad-faced queers retreated rapidly towards the exit in order to avoid what otherwise would've ended with a merciless beating. I felt bad, but it was better than clearing up their body parts. The other two gentlemen stayed in the bar. The old fellow wandered over to one of our regulars and started chatting, which was a little strange as I knew the guy couldn’t speak English at all. It seemed that they were acquaintances though, so I turned away from the bar for a moment to collect my thoughts. Almost as soon as I’d turned around, I felt a tug at my shirt. It was the young guy again. He gave me an understanding nod but didn’t actually say anything. I still felt rather grateful and relieved for his swift help a few moments earlier, so I handed over a free drink which he silently accepted. Barely ten seconds later, it all kicked off. One of the foreign dockhands in the bar spotted my act of charity for this stranger and took exception to his special treatment. I turned to see this fearsomely-ugly thug march over to shove him hard and begin a drooling tirade of unintelligible drunken aggression. One of the dockhand’s mates joined in with the intimidation tactics. They were both very drunk, but I overheard him slur something about a criminal record followed by a death threat. That was par for the course in this place. The young stranger kept cool, but the altercation had obviously unnerved the poor chap. Before he’d had a chance to think about retaliation, his elderly friend had left the chit-chat with my regular customer and stepped into the situation himself. The old man tried his best to calm things down, but by now it was too far gone and a fight was ready to break out. Without any further warning, the dockhand’s mate grabbed the younger guy and flung him across the room into a table full of drinks. I spotted a gun being produced so I ducked behind the bar, where I then heard a terrifying scream. The commotion died down and I re-emerged to find the assailant lying on the ground, one arm completely severed and the old man standing there wielding a glowing energy sword. I watched blankly as he returned it to his belt, my customers continued with their business and the band continued playing their god-awful music as if nothing had even happened. Like I said, it was a fucking shithole.
  • Phony R.
    I once worked in a computer/console store when a particularly irate lady came in and started mouthing off at my colleague. He had a real brilliant 'couldn't give a shit' attitude to this sort of tyrade which wound the dear woman up even more. Anyhoo, it culminated in the following which still makes me laugh: Irate Woman: "I can't believe your attitude, don't you want sales!?!" Collegaue: "I don't have a boat...." With that, the woman just pissed off, job done.
  • qwertyuiop
    Not convinced posting humiliating comments on either twitter or facebook are quite worth a chance at winning a kindle of all things. 1/10 - must try harder!
  • Paul N.
    No-one wants to enter a contest with too many contestants ;)
  • Graeme
    The best retails experience I ever had was actually in Tunisia in the mid 90's. Me and my girlfriend at the time took a last minute break to Tunisia, half board hotel in the middle of nowhere. So off we went with the usual excitement of traveling and a few quid in our pocket to buy trinkets and gifts (plus enough for fags on the duty free home) First morning we're there after breakfast there was a little talk from the tour guide rep in our hotel. This nice woman was making us feel like we'd picked a good place and there was lots to see and do around the local towns. One thing she commented on was that the local shopkeepers love to haggle...really love to haggle. She made an example, if a shopkeeper states 80 (i think it was Dinar) then you go the total opposite of 3 and work to the middle ground. 80 was about 50 quid. She made us think this was the way to do it so off we went for a little shopping and browse in the nearest town. As we're walking through we get the usual tourist spotters trying to sell us knock off fags and watches but we pushed on through and had a good wander. Suddenly we were pretty much dragged into a shop and taken into this back room. The shopkeeper really trying the nice approach by offering free Coca-Cola and entrance into the special area of the shop saved for special guests (which was actually like a store-room. Feeling really uneasy about this but going along with for now we listened to the guy talking and answered his questions about where we are from etc. So then he goes for the sell, he hands me a crappy bong like item claiming it to be a traditional smoking device when clearly you could see that it was just a cheap vase with a poor plastic pipe stuffed into it barely worth a £1 and poundland. Because we didn't say yes straight away he then offered us another genuine Tunisian item, a headscarf (actually a tea-towel) and said that all the locals wear these. To shut him up I asked how much...his answer was a simple 80 Dinar. My mind went straight back to what the tour rep had said about going the total opposite so the first figure that entered my head was...yes, you guessed it, 3! SMACK! The guy thumped me in the face and then tried to thump my girlfriend too! Now very shocked and my girlfriend crying the guy stood up and wouldn't let us leave without paying so I gave him 10 grabbed the junk items and legged it out the shop. We stopped at a bench outside and looked back to see the guy standing there laughing at us so we solemnly trotted back to the hotel. Get back to the hotel and the rep is there all smiling and wondering how our shopping trip went. I explained to her that because of her I now have a great bruise and two crappy souvenirs. She just said "oh, I didn't think anyone was actually listening" and walked away. So I'd say be thankful when the troll at PC World gives you bad service, at least he's not thumping you even when he's selling you crap :) Graeme
  • kfcws
    Working at Makro in early 2000. The bosses had started disappeared into the warehouse stock room on more than one occasion for *extended periods of time*. Nobody thought anything of it until one day a couple of months later ALL the bosses that had used the warehouse offices had been fired. Turns out that they had been arranging/having orgies in the offices. The security tapes somehow found their way into the hands of the big bosses, via the TV departments largest TV of course.
  • Palmface
    I often have to queue up at Tesco for ages. That is my story of retail horror, can I please have a Kindle? Nah, I can't be buggered to invent a story that might seem exciting enough to be prize-worthy. Good luck however, to all who enter. Oh wait, I do have one entertaining retail story. I was in Tesco at about 11pm one night and a pigeon had gotten inside the store. I sat and watched in bemusement as a member of staff, armed with a bucket and a copy of the Sun, tried to catch said bird. It was most amusing watching him pick up his little stepladder, go over to it only for it to fly off and perch itself on top of another aisle. This continued for about twenty minutes, at which point it stopped being hilarious and suddenly became quite pitiful. Well, it was entertaining to those who were present.
  • PokeHerPete
    Fuck this, Im not even using a valid email address.
  • h0dgy
    I went to Asda at the weekend to purchase a hammer, which I intended to put to use helping a friend build some generic flat pack furniture. Upon getting to the self service checkout with said hammer, the robotic voice politely informed me that 'authorisation is required for this product'. A friendly member of staff promptly came to my assistance, looked me up and down and confirmed that I was indeed old enough to buy a hammer. He then proceeded to comment "It looks like you're going to carry out a hit". I informed him that indeed I was, but before I had chance to continue that the said 'hit' would be made on some Swedish nails, he took the hammer away and asked me to leave the store.
  • The B.
    Seriously? A Kindle? A black and white thing that will allow you to download and read Amazon books most of which are only about 10p cheaper than buying a proper book. Wow, um, no thanks.
  • Matt
    Is it just me that finds the Kindle very 1990's?
  • Philip
    I'd like to try one cos im going on holiday in two weeks and dont know what books i want yet, could do it while im there :) dont really have a retail story though. Libraries arent the most exciting places sept for old people smelling and chavs throwing stink bombs and riding their bikes inside lol
  • Jetpac
    Whilst travelling in Europe we made a stop off in Bosnia and Herzegovina, more specifically in Mostar. Now we had been travelling a while and it was fairly late so the 4 of us lads go strolling through the town looking for a restaurant, and we find this little place selling traditional food, added bonus it had beer and wine. So we sat down and the owner came over, speaking very good English we had a nice chat and ordered food, some beers and some of the local wine which was all very good.. well apart from the wine which was terrible. we got the bill, paid it and left a tip, as you do. as we were turning to leave the woman picked up the bill claiming we had left too much, at which point we said of course, no no its yours keep it. To which she was very taken a back (I don't think tipping is customary in that part of the country maybe?)and then proceeded to give us a beer each from the fridge worth more than what we left as a thank you! Not exactly screwed up sales, but a little bit baffling and a nice little anecdote i think!
  • Mark P.
    I was among a pack of teenagers acting as Christmas workers at an M&S in a greater London shopping centre, and stacking shelves at the time. Word was spreading like wildfire among the staff. There was a woman on the shop floor doing a poo. I decided on hearing this rumour, that I was going to investigate, and trotted through to the food tills. There was indeed a small melee around a till, where yes, a woman was crouching over a green bucket, the ones normally used for the flowers in the horticultural dept. Red-faced, she'd hitched up her skirt, and was coiling one out in full view of a rather packed department store ten days before Christmas. She didn't even look like a weirdo. Quite posh in fact. She stood up and handed the bucket to a male member of staff, and said to the ashen faced till girl.... "I'm so sorry. I'm pregnant." The M&S guy said, 'we have customer toilets.' to which she replied, "I didn't want to lose my place in the queue."
  • tommy
    Salutations, friend. You should follow @bitterwallet because you acn win a kindle just like me! http://bit.ly4ASZ1M
  • maxtweenie
    I've worked in Post Offices all around the country. I can give you lots of stories about chavs injecting themselves with heroin in the photo booth or the two old age pensioners getting into a scrap over who was next in the queue. If I won the Kindle, at least I'd have something other than the Sun to read when I'm behind the Closed sign at the counter.
  • qwertyuiop
    ^ FAILURE!
  • qwertyuiop
    Sorry, that one was for tommy
  • buyerbeware64
    Groupola did this last month but with iPhones.
  • Zi
    I went into an O2 shop, looking for an Android handset. Sat down with the guy and asked him some questions. I asked if they would be getting the Google phone - the Nexus One - available on O2. He said, let me check on the system. Then I watched him go to google.co.uk and search "will o2 be getting nexus one"! After looking at a few random results on various forums, he said "no I don't think we are". Ludicrous!
  • Grimm
    Standard wind-up when I used to work at EB a few years back: Phone local store, get hold of inexperienced weekend lad/lass. We were a ring-round store (distribute urgent information from head office, back before tills had reliable email built in), so they were used to us ringing with requests. "Can you pull all the copies of Curse of Monkey Island off the shelves, gut them, and check the discs? We've heard there's a batch with counterfeit discs in them. No, I'll wait..." Long wait, lots of scratching around, turns out they are all legit. "Oh, good. Right, next we need to check Overboard on the PS1, make sure they aren't dodgy. No, I'll wait..." Long wait, scratching around, all discs legit. Depending on how credulous the newbie was, we may make them do the same for Corsairs or Pirates (only worked with *really* gullible ones) before asking "so you've emptied all the stock from Monkey Island, Overboard and Corsairs, and you're absolutely sure they aren't pirate games?" If you're too young to get the reference with the game names, it may still be worth phoning up asking for Game Boy dance mats nowadays, people don't seem to get much brighter.
  • AJ
    While working at PCW in the tech department, a sales staff decieded that they would do a hard drive transfer to a new machine, so he puts it inside the case, screws it in, connects the power just fine, but forces the sata cable in the wrong way round, and breaks the sata cable. this is on a customers machine that had data they needed. He then lied to them saying it was broke. I simply could not believe how think sales staff where until then. thank god im out of that company now. Also found that a sales staff had been getting it on with a manager, while he was married, and with kids, and he got caught by his misses. She had a small fortune too.
  • Matt
    During the broadband boom of the early naughties I worked for one of the pioneers in the broadband field, NTL which later became Virgin Media there were many games that we played to make the long shifts seem shorter. There was the Meeaw game from super troopers, one colleague once spent an entire conversation with a guy putting on a fake Australian accent and I regularly put people on hold to go for a pee, coffee or fag. The one thing that was quite bad on our behalf is that we were encouraged to up sell customers (move them onto the next BB tariff, it was one month free and thereafter you had to pay for the change. It was encouraged to up sell anyone even without telling them and if you did tell them you called it a free upgrade, still made a few quid out of it
  • The H.
    I was at Suprdr*g the other day shopping for some condoms (size large). At one point I was standing in the aisle staring at the condom display. Ribbed. or Not to Rib. Hmmm. The young assistant looked over and saw me looking at the condoms. I was busted! But then she came over and laughed at me and said, what kind do you want to get? I was embarrasse;, but smiled said I wasnt sure. Next thing you know she giggling, and leading me to a dressing room with an armful of johnnies to try on. I'm sure I almost blew my load when her hands touched my cock. We had sex most of that afternoon and screwed our way through the whole 5 box in under two hours. (OK. So I lied..... I was shopping for XL)
  • Pedro
    It's the customers who make working in retail special. My personal favourites were the couple who would visit Boots the Chemist in Manchester Piccadilly to have their methodone prescription filled. Not content with stinking out the place and trying on all the reading glasses, they felt it was a safe enough place to take their pet ferret off its lead so it could have a run around.
  • Philip f.
    I used to run a paper shop. It blew away. Now send me a kindle you fucktards.
  • Amanda H.
    I used to work in a chinese takeaway, until we found out trafficking was illegal.
  • Real D.
    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
  • Real D.
    Recently, a man went to McDonald's and saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. He asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So the man shook his head and ordered six McNuggets.
  • tommy
    thnak you this one is for qwertyuiop!
  • tommy
    *thank
  • Mr G.
    "WIN one of three Amazon Kindles with Bitterwallet!". Which one?
  • Richard
    The first in a brief series of true stories from the dark world of working in shops and that… He looked a bit like this Years and years ago, I worked in a branch of the world-beating music store Our Price – the company has long since gone to the dogs, so perhaps it wasn’t as world-beating as all that. A flush-faced, overweight chap in his early twenties became a daily visitor to the branch I was working in, often turning up four or five times a day. Normally hanging around in the martial arts video section, he would peer longingly at one of my female co-workers who naturally wasn’t interested in this fat-arsed furtive peeper. Eventually, having realised that his chosen seduction method of staring (coupled with the occasional hint of light drooling) wasn’t paying dividends, he upped the ante and would punctuate his lurking with demonstrations of some of his hottest kung-fu moves. Naturally, us lot behind the counter struggled to maintain our composure and carry on presenting the professional face that the buying public knew and loved. Sniggering at him only increased the intensity of his display. After a few days of busting his moves at imagined enemies in the name of love, another customer mistakenly thought that the doughnut ninja was having a go and took a swing at him. We never saw him again. ======== Thus ends my retail retale.
  • Carl
    I once saw someone purchase a Bros cd. Honest
  • Hurry B.
    [...] sales staff and baffling behaviour. Post your stories below the original post for this competition, which you’ll find here. We’ll pick a favourite and they’ll win a Kindle [...]
  • Geraint
    Fortunately I never worked in Retail, unless you can count a couple of years in the warehouse of my local Northern supermarket when I was 16. Everyone who worked in there (at least on Saturdays) seemed to enjoy munching their way through whatever they fancied and then badly concealing the wrappers in the roof girders. Only redeeming thing about this job was a pint of XXXX and a cheese cob at the local pub at lunchtime
  • Alex
    The shop I used to work at was a bit different with prices. We had no way to look up the price of an item unless our price sticker was on it. If a customer got something with no price, we have to find a similar item to get a price from. So, this rather large chavvy lady brings up a very nice picnic set up to the till. She said it didn't have a ticket on it, but according to her "they were all the same price back there" and handed the cashier a 2nd, £40 picnic set to scan the price from. The cashier wasn't new or dumb, so she didn't fall for it, and she called for a price check, and started scanning some of the other stuff the large lady had bought. This annoyed rather large chavvy lady, and she started complaining about how our service was shit and we shouldn't make her wait and we don't know what we're doing and on and on. The employee found one by the same set that was about £150, except a size larger. So, the cashier said we could give it to her for £140. "THAT'S BULLSHIT I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER. YOU ARE TRYIN TO SWITCH YOUR PRICES AND THATS BULLSHIT..." she went on and on. So we call for a manager, and of course up comes the one that always sucks up to the customers as hard as she can. I knew this lady was going to get whatever she wanted. So as we are telling the manager what happened, the rather large chavvy lady has been making a scene for almost 5 minutes now. The manager starts her suck-up routine and starts apologizing for everything. The manager then says she will take the picnic set to £125 for the inconvenience. I rolled my eyes because the rather large chavvy lady just got a pretty big discount for doing nothing but being a bitch. "NO THAT'S BULLSHIT IT'S FOUTY QUID I AINT PAYING ANYTHING BUT FOUTY QUID CAUSE DATS WHAT IT IS BACK THERE" Apparently, this wasn't what my manager expected at all. She just stared at the large chavvy lady with a confused look on her face. After that, she did the most awesome thing I've ever seen her do. With the straightest face ever, she took the picnic set, put it on the floor behind the counter and said: "Well, it looks like nothing is going to make you happy, so maybe you should try Lidl next door. They have a great selection of things that you can actually afford." My mouth literally dropped open, and so the other employees there who were watching. The lady just stormed out of the store calling everybody there every name under the sun, and we were all left with big grins on our faces.
  • Aidan
    I used to work in a Safeway shop. I had a customer rant and rave at me for no less than 20 minutes because I, a shelf-filler who was clearly responsible for store buying, didn't have any disposable BBQ's in stock.........it was Christmas Eve!
  • Tom W.
    I was working in PC World as a Christmas temp, and often had to deal with elderly customers. One particular gentleman (with his wife) wanted a broadband connection... no problem there. I asked him what he wanted to use it for, and he told me 'so I can go on that Dougal thing my son keeps telling me about. Can I do that?'. Not really understanding what he meant, I spent about 10 minutes skirting around the issue until his until-then silent wife piped up with 'You mean Google, you silly old bugger!'. That made my day :D
  • Your B.
    [...] sales staff and baffling behaviour. Post your stories below the original post for this competition, which you’ll find here. We’ll pick a favourite and they’ll win a Kindle [...]
  • Jay C.
    Back in Dublin I used to work in UCI cinema. One day a lead singer of a prominent Irish boy band came in to watch a flick with his wife, lets call him boy-z-one. In this cinema there is a partition between the walkway and the first section of seats and people have a tendency to put they're feet up on it, which meant us cleaning off all manner of mud & dirt. Anyway boy-z-one came in and immediately pops his feet on the partition. As I would do with any other patron I asked him to take his feet down and explained why. He was pleasant and did so. As I checked the screen 1/2 hour later he had his feet back up. I asked him again this time with a sigh he did so. Again 1/2 hour later the same happened only this time the fella decided to kick up a stink and flat refused to take his feet down. "I paid for this seat" .... "yes but this is not part of the seat sir." standard reply. He still flat refused so I got security and they took him out of the film. My manager was called and he was screaming and shouting that I "had made a show of him & he wanted to keep a low profile...... DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHO I AM?" to which my manager replied "Yes sir unfortunately I do but your not keeping a very low profile roaring and shouting standing there in your bright orange beenie hat and chrome coloured bubble jacket" to which he stormed out shouting "I'm telling all my friends about this. Nobody will come back here" Literally the next day another member of said boy band turned up with his kids.
  • Jack
    When I was younger I worked in an ice cream parlour on my weekends and holidays. On hot days the queue would be through the shop and out the door, and we were pretty rushed off our feet. At least twice I had a woman come up to me and say that I'd need to get a mop because the floor was wet. I'd pop off and come back with the mop only for her to point at the pool of urine that was slowly spreading out from under her young son/daughter. This was usually followed by a rather pathetic "I'm sorry, she needed to go but we didn't want to lose our place in the queue" excuse. No consideration for the fact that her kid had just pissed in the middle of a shop that sold ice cream, sweets and other uncovered food stuffs. £2.50 an hour was not enough to mop up piss.
  • Mclovin
    I used to work at Argos. We had some seriously unhinged customers. The first that comes to mind was when I was standing at the returns till (yes standing our Argos couldn't afford chairs for its workers..) I was here doing the usual returns - wardrobes... lawnmowers... kettles... then some sick... sick SICK bastard walked through the door. I could see the look in his dark cold eyes as he approached the counter. He pulls into a tesco bag for life ( by the way if you ever work at Argos this is a good indication the returning customer is mental) and pulled out a box. 'I would like to return this please' Okay so i ask him all the details - why? what where and when ect. Then i pull out the item for inspection. It was a toilet brush It was used. I had always been told horror stories - my co worker told me someone bought back a toilet seat with specs of crap on it - but i never believed it would happen to me....... I just sat there amazed. Then told him sorry he couldn't return it.... The worst thing is he tried to put up a fight! No shame..... I also had a customer that was a few sandwiches short of a picnic who used to come in quite a lot. Now this customer didnt have proper control of his voice and as such WOULD TALK LIKE THIS! Obviously the other saturday girls found it hillarious and had to run off when he came in making me take charge. Anyway one day he comes in and asks to look at an iron (and when i say ask i mean shouts) I happily get him the iron from the upstairs stock room bring it down get it out get out the manual we looking at it together for about 40 minutes customers queuing up everywhere. Eventually after almost an hour has passed he says to me. OKAY YES. I HAVE THIS ONE AT HOME TOO - I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT IT AGAIN. BYE! I couldnt help but die a little inside. To anyone that works in retail you are my hero.... the phychopaths that walk through those doors every day.... you deserve a medal.
  • Eyevz
    I used to work in a certain retail chain that inhabited Virgin megastore sites until it went bust while studying... A customer got so over excited about the pile of reduced price Peter Kay dvds that - for whatever reason - they vomited. Promptly two people browsing nearby then vomited as a result of the "hear vomiting see vomiting do some vomiting" and vomited themselves. The sales assistant then tasked with cleaning up the carnage then ran over with a mop, slid for about 10 metres along the tiled floor and wiped out into a large Johnny Depp cutout. I still can't look at my old staff tshirt / posters of Johnny Depp without being reminded of the incident.
  • Bob
    Eyevz, I think you just won the game.
  • Mike
    As a teenager in the early 90's I worked at Do-it-all (you may remember the adverts that also included the gurning side-burned idiot off the Kwik-Fit adverts). The first few months were normal enough until the arrival on the shop floor of Gary. Gary joined in the usual stuff that passed the boredom of the last hour before the store closed; warehouse pump trucks were used as skateboards in races around hardware aisle, heating insulation tubes were used for sword fights etc... But a couple of years older than us, Gary had some additional life experience and skills that set him apart. He explained to us that this was his first job since leaving the circus. 'Bullshit' was our first response, which we quickly retracted after Gary ate an empty coke can in the staff canteen as proof of his skills, ripping off chunks of shredded metal at a time. The circus was clearly still in Gary's blood as a week later, unasked, he climbed the 30 odd foot shelving at the entrance to the warehouse doors and launched himself out through the door somersaulting into the waste-paper skip. The summer rolled on and one evening five or six of us including Gary were skiving that last hour in the outdoor garden centre. Instead of watering the plants a water fight broke out with the hoses/sprinklers and Gary hid in one of the garden sheds. At some point somebody closed the pad-lock on the front of the shed, and the water fight continued. A couple of minutes later the store deputy manager stepped outside and after 5 minutes of shouting sent us back into the store while he locked up the garden centre. The next morning the store general manager told us one of the garden sheds in the garden centre had been vandalised with a window smashed and a door broken off it's hinges. When we went outside to see the damage some of us noticed the shreds of Gary's blue dungarees at the top of the 40 foot security fence that ran around the garden centre. We never saw him again, but often imagined him out on the moors running wild vaulting stray sheep and chewing the barbed wire
  • Dominic
    I remember the time years ago when my mum gave in to my pleads to buy me an iPod, even though I wasn't exactly sure why I wanted one (hey, the click wheel was futuristic back then). I decided that we get the iPod at Dixons, because it seemed to be the first place that came into my mind that would definitely sell iPods. I picked a white 20gb iPod photo and by just looking at the box I knew that this would be the start of a plantonic relationship with Apple (well, actually, just iPods). The cashier was a young, black lady who went to the back of the store to collect the iPod. On this occasion my younger, chubbier brother was accompanying us and was exploring the store while we were waiting. A few minutes later she reappeared with the iPod in a bag and was cashing in the money from my mum. Then, she noticed my brother for the first time in the store and immediately said, "Someone's been eating all the pies!". It was so random yet said so naturally without menace that me and my mum both started laughing along with her, even though thinking about it now it would probably be seen as a light-hearted insult. My brother was not amused.
  • Rik A.
    I once purchased a 'north face' jacket from Blacks Online. They sent me the wrong size, and also left a security tag attached to it. When I phoned my local store to see if they could help me out, I was met pretty much immediately with a barrage of abuse from some crazy lady. Me: "I ordered a jacket online, and you've sent me the wrong size" Them: "I DID NO SUCH THING! I DIDN'T SEND YOU ANYTHING!" Me: "Well, no, obviously not you personally - but your company has. And there's a security tag still attached to it" Them: "WELL, I CAN'T HELP YOU. SEND IT BACK" Me: "Ok, so are you saying you won't be able to exchange the item if I bring the item to your store?" Them: "THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID" Me: "Well, you literally just said you can't help...." Them: "I DID NOT! I'LL PASS THE PHONE TO MY COLLEAGUE AND HE'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID" Me: "OK, I'm going to go now. You're disturbed" -click- Eventually, it was sorted out - but there's no way I'm ever going to the Bristol branch of Blacks for fear that I might meet this absolute mental cow.

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