Where have all the pubs gone?


The number of local pubs in the UK has fallen to its lowest point in over a century, say the old gits at the Campaign For Real Ale. In fact only 57,000 locals are left, thanks to annoying wine bars, chain pubs and fancy 5 star gastro joints called things like The Lazy Ox and The Fox’s Anal Fissure.

This sad news, which makes you want to immediately hotfoot it to the Pig and Whistle and stare vacantly into a pint of Speckled Badger, comes as traditional pubs are closing at the rate of 26 a week.

Chief executive of CAMRA Mike Benner blamed the government, saying: “We believe that the scrapping of the beer duty escalator and the extra 1p off beer duty announced in this year’s Budget could mark a turning point for pubs.’

But the government also intend to crack down on dodgy dealings from the big chains and introduce a new watchdog scheme which could save local pub landlords £100 million a year.

Let’s hope the humble pub survives. After all, there are only so many times you can see the words ‘pulled pork’ on a rustic blackboard before you want to go mad and attack someone with a pool cue.


  • Phuck Y.
    Maybe because chavs call the people trying to keep pubs open, "Old Gits"
  • M4RKM
    CAMRA are partly to blame, with only wanting "real ale" to be served in pubs, and not looking to the trends, and modernizing, they're becoming vastly outdated.
  • Kevin
    They were crap places, overpriced for what they offered, unwelcoming and deserved to close. There are plenty of good pubs, as there are good shops who continue to thrive as they offer what their customers actually want. Some places are reopening here in Cambridge as people with knowledge and actual guts to put their money where their mouth is reopen pubs and do well as they are giving people what they want. I never understand if CAMRA is so bothered why it doesn't open up it's own pubs.
  • Mr M.
    How to run a successful pub: -Pretty barmaids with big knockers -Free jukebox -Reasonably priced beer Only the first one is really a requirement, the rest you can forgive as long as the knockers are particularly fine.
  • Marky M.
    Did you really have to illustrate the piece with that hideous, saggy old munter? Did you?
  • shiftynifty
    Good Beers...Good Food...Non pretentious twats...
  • Zeddy
    @Marky Mark: just be grateful they didn't illustrate her piece.
  • Ronald M.
    I am tired of pubs resembling fast food joints.
  • JJ
    Costs 3 to 4 times as much to drink in a pub as it does at home. I used to go out 2 or 3 times a week, now I go out 3 or 4 times a month, and the rest of the time I go round a mates house with a £10 bottle of vod.
  • Old G.
    @Marky Mark - That's a particularly fine example of a young lady (she may be old now but not in the picture). I suggest your hindsight settings need tweaking.
  • Simon
    The pubs are gone because the beer is so f&&king expensive Charges £5 for a pint of peroni in The regent in Balham (London) last week - wont be going there again
  • M4RKM
    Mr Miagi - That isn't the way to run a pub. That's outdated, and pointless. It's not reasonably priced beer you need, it is GOOD QUALITY beer, and a GOOD SELECTION of wines and spirits. If you only offer 5 piss flavoured lagers, 1 cider, Guinness and wine in portion sized bottles, you ain't going to get regular custom. Places need to be more adventurous these days, to get the market that are used to a wide choice..
  • JasminehatesNewBarnet
    There are plenty o' pubs in the rubbish end of New Barnet. They have 'men' who look like boiled eggs in jeans clutching a pint outside, laughing loudly as I walk past saying that I am ugly/loaded/ha ha ha etc. I am neither. Their idea of a gorgeous woman is not a brunette ex model/ visual artist who looks like Rita Hayworth, i.e, me, but a trollop in a tracksuit with bleached tat ponytail and 58 screaming kids all called Kylie. These retards drinking pigswill cheap beer laugh at anything, ha ha ha, my mum died of cancer, ha ha ha, ey the football is on ha ha ha, lets have another pint ha ha ha, etc. They and the pubs are of grotty working man repulsiveness and I would be glad to see them all knocked down. Men and pubs.
  • Dog
    You sound bitter Jasmine.
  • oioi
    Quick doctor, Jasmine needs a rat up the drain pipe asap and then back to the kitchen she must go.

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