Sharp fall in British alcohol consumption
We Brits love booze don't we? That's because Britain is a crushingly okay place to live. We don't have wars, rioting or anything like that... so we drink ourselves into a stupor and dream of looting electrical shops and stealing high performance sports cars in some imagined post-apocalyptic world.
See, we're drinking less alcohol than we used to. Apparently, the average Brit sank the equivalent of 89 bottles of wine during the year, down from more than 94 bottles, according to new stats.
This may seem like a lot, but this is the sharpest drop since 1948. That was the year records began on our intake of booze.
The figures include sales from both supermarkets and pubs. This means we're either getting really good at stealing or really good at making moonshine. Or, more chillingly, we're all becoming health-drones.
Of course, this flies in the face of the notion that we live in a world filled with binge drinkers who shit out their entire insides every night, hammered on £1 shots of sambucca before hurling up bright orange WKD sick down the throat of a Britain broken by our late night brawls and fingerings down back streets.
This, of course, isn't stopping the Treasury from reviewing the situation and looking at whether the Government should introduce minimum pricing for alcohol... AKA, sticking more tax on it so they can fleece us for an imagined problem.
Brigid Simmonds, the chief executive of the BBPA (British Beer and Pub Association), told the Telegraph: “These figures will confound many pundits, as yet again they confirm that as a nation, we are not drinking more. Those who suggest otherwise need to focus on the hard facts."
So readers, the message is clear. We need to revive the British booze industry by getting plastered on British-made beers as frequently as possible. If your boss moans about you turning up to work half-cut, slap them and tell they're unpatriotic and that you're just doing your bit for the economy.