Pro-Pak pizza is a recipe for disappointment

Oh dear, sweet "serving suggestion" - is there any foodstuff you can't make deliciously appealing? Usually you do nothing more than state the bleeding obvious and patronise the public at large, but occasionally you're a little more devious in your ambiguous use of illustration and imagination.

In the case of Bitterwallet reader Martin's pizza, however - the phrase didn't even appear on the packaging. Not that it mattered; according to manufacturers Pro-Pak, stupidhead Martin should have known that if they show him a photo of a pizza covered with basic pizza toppings, then clearly means they won't be included on the pizza. Isn't it obvious? No? No:

"Annabel Karmel is a kid's food guru, writing lots of bestselling books on cooking for children. She has also put her name on some ready meals now too. Here is an example of the box of one of them:"

"It cost £2.29, so isn't a value pizza. It didn't say "serving suggestion" but I'm not an idiot, I knew the pizza wouldn't be exactly like the box. I did expect the mouth, nose and eyes at least though - pepper, tomato and olives being pretty normal pizza toppings, with the fresher ingredients like the cucumber and cress being what was referred to as "decorate with fresh vegetables" on the box.

"Here is what was inside though:"

"The manufacturers, Pro-Pak, said that the Legoland promotion on the box covered the serving suggestion text, and that "the intention is that youngsters can create a face of their choice, using the pizza as a template", and besides "sales of these pizzas are high with few complaints of this nature". That's all right then - as long as it sells well, you don't have to give people what they thought they were buying."

Sorry Pro-Pak, but you really are talking a lot of bollocks. Even if "serving suggestion" was visible, most of the toppings shown are standard for pizza. If we're to expect nothing but the basic pizza as you suggest, why are there olives? A "teddy bear pizza" suggests we'll get a pizza that looks like a teddy bear - if not, then you should really refer to it as a "teddy bear-shaped pizza" because that's what it is. Although you wouldn't know it to look at the atrocious mash of crap above.

Hats off to Sainsbury's who were good enough to refund Martin. No doubt they were also wondering why Pro-Pak thought this was acceptable, especially cheese pizzas this size are available from Sainsbury's and other supermarkets for around 60p each, or roughly half the price Pro-Pak are charging.


  • James
    I've purchased two of these before for my kids, expecting it to look pretty much as on the box. Especially for the price you expect more than a cheese and tomato shaped pizza with only "eyes". I know pictures always exaggerate the food we buy, but you generally expect most of what is shown in the picture!
  • The B.
    "It cost £2.29, so isn’t a value pizza" Seriously? How much does value pizza cost then? I know Pizza Express and Taste the Difference stuff is around £4+, I dread to think what they put in something that costs less than £2. Surely for kids, you'd be better off creating the dough yourself (I do wholemeal dough, it takes about 30 minutes in the airing cupboard to rise) and then just chuck on tomata puree, peppers, onion, olives, chorizo, mushrooms and some cheese, it costs about £3 per 12" pizza,
  • Hmm...
    Wholemeal dough pizza is a life compromise that I just cannot make.
  • Jase
    @The Real Bob...guess you can't read. Already says at the bottom that you can get a "value pizza" (cheap-ass Cheese + Tomato) from Sainsbury's for 60p. Very true (although it's more like 69p or some crap like that).
  • Paul S.
    I'm pretty sure these are six inch pizzas, at best. Not sure what you're arguing Bob - if you can prepare a fresh 12 inch pizza stacked with those ingredients for £3, doesn't two plain six inch pizzas for £2.29 sound a little pricey? That's not even the point. The point is if you were shown packaging of a pizza with cooked toppings on, you'd expect that to be the pizza inside. I don't think that's unreasonable.
  • Paul S.
    Fucking hell, I'm having an argument about pizza toppings.
  • Pervert
    I misread "eat fussy" as "eat pussy".... probably just me.
  • Hi O.
    Gawd..... I wouldn't feed that to a pig, let alone human children. Serves as an excellent reminder as to why we never buy ready meals, and always cook our own food from scratch, including pizzas, which are totally delicious by the way.
  • Paul
    "# Posted by Paul Smith | August 26th, 2009 at 3:44 pm Fucking hell, I’m having an argument about pizza toppings." Lets not have a mass debate over pizza toppings.
  • Nobby
    Looks like that Teddy was in Close Range ...
  • Nobby
    I like the bit at the bottom of the box ... "We say no to adding colours, flavourings or preservatives." That's because you don't put anything on the fucking pizza.
  • Yer P.
    I never knew Teddy bears could be so... sexy! £2.29... for two, technically that would be a threesome. Fuckin Bargain!
  • Andi
    Hilariously similar to one of my favourite Achewood strips: I for one think we need more terrifying convenience foods...
  • Darren W.
    I cant see anything wrong here? if I seen this then i think that it would just be for me to check what the toppings are on the back, for which would be cheese and Tomato. this would encourage my child to decorate him with the relevant ingredients and show him the different forms of Vegetables.. but the part where he says that he isn't and idiot about serving suggestions, but i expected the toppings to be there is a bit of a silly statement when the front of the box explains you to dress your teddy pizza. at the end of the day its a cheese and tomato pizza.. just add toppings..
  • Don C.
    If someone served me that sh*t, they'd be waking up next to a horse's head the next day. It's a new low in the already compromised world of pizza. Oh the humanity!
  • pizza m.
    u lot take the pizza...
  • The B.
    Paul, I'm not arguing, read what Hi from Orange has written, he seems to understand. The point I was making was how does anyone eat this shot regardless of price.
  • Alice C.
    It's cooked on the box too, do you pillocks expect it to be come out of the box piping fucking hot? NO! Fucks sake.
  • zeddy
    That Annabel Karmel is a two faced bint! Don't feed your kids rubbish, this is the stuff you really want. FFS!
  • Amanda H.
    Are you sure those two black things aren't cockroaches? The more I look, the more I see a cockroach love nest. Now I look back, I can even see the one on the left is wearing a chef hat. I wonder what he/she was cooking?
  • Twin P.
    Thank you for the recipe idea, i will be trying it out this week!. - Joanne

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