Everything Everywhere make redundancies with rubbish light show
The 16,000 employees of Everything Everywhere (the communications company created by the merger of Orange and T-Mobile) are all now completely aware of the fact that they work for a festering bunch of (SNIPPED BY LAWYERS).
At mass meetings across the country, they were told last month whether or not their jobs were safe by being shown a series of coloured lights.
Staff, who could lose their jobs as soon as this Christmas, were shown a red light and told they were "at risk" while other staff saw the light go yellow, which meant they must re-apply for their existing job.
If you were lucky enough to be shown a blue light, that meant they were being kept on and a green light showed the creation of a limited number of new roles. We can't confirm whether or not these flashing light broadcasts were interspersed with images of warfare and destruction while employees eye-balls were prised open and kept awake with droppers of water.
The best thing about this frankly surreal way of communicating with staff (heard of emails? Sending letters out?) is that many employees didn't even know that their jobs were at risk before being shunted into a room for a humiliating public display of not giving the slightest of fucks.
One employee said: "Some of the people got up and walked straight out of the room, others sat there crying, others were absolutely dumbstruck."
Everything Everywhere initially responded to criticisms with a series of flashing coloured screens, similar to the code found on New Order's 'Power, Corruption and Lies' LP. However, as that made no sense, they went about communicating to the world via the tried and tested method of bullshit:
"Wherever possible, members of our senior management team explained the proposed changes at face-to-face meetings to ensure teams received the information consistently and had the opportunity to ask questions."
Michael Burd, head of employment at law firm Lewis Silken, told the Telegraph that he had "never heard" of such a public way of breaking news to employees in his 26 years as a lawyer. He reckons that every employee who was shown a red light and loses their job after the consultation is likely to be able to claim for unfair dismissal.
If successful, staff can expect a maximum payout of £65,300, which means that, thanks to their completely lack of understanding with their staff, they could be looking at forking out more than £70m. Funnily enough, Everything Everywhere doesn't recognise trade unions.
Hands up if any of you are surprised by any of this...