Why we're all terrorists now - and so are you, too

17 March 2010

Ladies and gentlemen, we don't know what to say. It seems we've nowhere left to go, we're out of options, so we'll step forward and admit it - Bitterwallet are terrorists. Fact.

You see, Andy's a grumpy twat who can't abide his neighbours and so prefers not to talk to them. Mof shuts the curtains in the living room when he's watching The Old Grey Whistle Test on the widescreen tv, and I like to pay for stuff down the shops with cash rather than a debit card because I'm up past my eyes in debt. See? Bang to rights. Based on this evidence, you should contact the authorities immediately and tell them we're planning to kill someone.

The thing is, we're not even taking the piss. This is a recorded promo taken from talkSPORT, the national radio station for white van drivers:

We'll be honest, we haven't listened to talkSPORT ourselves to verify the ad for fear of self-harming as a consequence, but we've confirmed similar messages have been broadcast on other London-based radio stations. (Nor are we advocating the views of the website that posted the YouTube video, since it talks of shadow organisations and "the world moving towards global centralised governance" - it all sounds a step away from Icke)

Concern about suspicious activity is one thing; insisting everyone play citizen spy and report neighbours who enjoy their privacy is quite another. Remember London's Orwellian surveillance posters? Even a the crime of being a photographer in a street is a step too far. Going out in public appears to pose a security risk, but if you stay at home and don't give up your right to privacy, you're a terrorist!

It's still a little ambiguous, however; are they suggesting terrorists can go undetected by making small talk, opening their curtains and applying for a credit card? Let's hope they never work that out. And thank the lord companies don't give away credit cards like lollypops, eh?

There's more helpful information for spotting a terrorist on the Metropolitan Police website:

Terrorists need to travel – Meetings, training and planning can take place anywhere. Do you know someone who travels but is vague about where they’re going?

Yes. Men who are having yankee doodle in the Premier Inn at Grantham with somebody other than their wife.

Terrorists need communication – Anonymous, pay-as-you-go and stolen mobiles are typical. Have you seen someone with large quantities of mobiles? Has it made you suspicious?

Yes. Mobile phone salesmen have large quantities of mobiles. And men who are having yankee doodle with somebody other than their wife usually have more than one phone.

Terrorists use computers...

It's you! You're using a computer, you're a terrorist! Christ almighty, where's my phone? What's that number I have to call, the one on the Metropolitan Police website? Now I'm using a computer - I'm a terrorist too! Fuck!

23 comments

  • John
    This is ridiculous, terrorist attempt to blend in as much as possible and can break rules in the koran to do so. So someone who acts weird is unlikely to be a terrorist especially in the ways they are suggesting.
  • Song B.
    They need to add another one: Terrorists like authority. They like to dress up as officials, for example Police officers. Have you seen any of these people? Do they act differently to other members of the public? Why yes they do...where's that phone number.
  • Jaz
    @John A nice attempt at an intellectual response from what it seems, a fairly ignorant individual. Do you work for the daily mail? Terrorists does not = muslims, nor does the Quran encourage it.
  • Jehova
    @ Jaz: and how many of the recent terrorist attacks (planned, prevented or comitted) HAVE been by Muslims? The majority. Either that, or the telegraph, the times and the Sky and BBC news all join the express in their anti-muslim hate mongering. It's not hyperbole; it's fact - in the current climate, you are more likely to be killed by a Muslim fanatic than an IRA bomber etc.
  • Paul S.
    Why even get into the discussion? The point is you should be spying on EVERYONE.
  • Jaz
    I am not discussing the incidence of terrorism, but do you have any figures for evangelical, peta, tamil etc related incidents or for that matter the no doubt hundreds of thousands of people murdered in Iraq and Afghanistan by the UK/US? My point was his claim in regards to Islam, inferring the two were supportive of each other which is NOT the case.
  • Song B.
    Jehova, I didn't see you, you didn't see me, roight?
  • gungadin
    Well if you look to like a Palestinian you could be offed by mossad - the anti-semitic feelings run deep with them.
  • Shooter M.
    Just between you and me, Jaz, I think we can rule PETA out of the 9/11 and 7/7 incidents. Nor am I aware of PETA releasing videos to Al-Jazeera showing human decapitations. Just thought I'd clear that one up for ya
  • Jaz
    And just between me and you Shooter McGavin, I think we can rule muslims out of bombing a wedding party, a hospital and a school.........I wonder who that was.........
  • Shooter M.
    You missed the question mark there. Anyhoo, who bombed a wedding party, a hospital and a school? I'm so intrigued.
  • Jaz
    If you are so intrigued, perhaps a little reading would not go amiss?
  • Shooter M.
    Where, Jaz, where? Give me the scoop - where can I find out about this wedding party, hospital and school. You've got me on tenderhooks.
  • Jaz
    Sorry, no spoon feeding here. I know that may not be what you are used to, but perhaps you may have to use a brain cell of two. If not, then I hope you enjoy your shelter under that rock.
  • Paul S.
    Fuck me, and off we go again. We get accused of writing so many bullshit articles, but even when we post a piece that has a point to it, you lot fucking ignore it anyway. [stands in the corner and cries]
  • Krendo
    I cry with you, Paul. F***wits.
  • Terrorist
    Hey guys, thanks for the heads up.
  • Music B.
    [...] we pointed out yesterday, we live in troubling times. Would-be terrorists lurk on every street corner, their minds addled with thoughts of creating [...]
  • Laurz
    I must be a terrorist. I keep myself to myself and don't talk to any of the neighbours really because we have nothing at all in common, I keep my curtains closed most of the time because my room is overlooked and I feel awkward about people being able to see me when I don't know theyre watching. I don't like the idea that anyone walking past can look in and see what i'm doing. That might be irrational but oh well. I will use cash for pretty much all my day to day purchases because that way I can keep check on what i'm spending. If i've only got £100 in my pocket then I can only spend £100 and putting my hand in my pocket tells me how much i've spent. If i've got a credit or debit card I could just keep paying a tenner for this, £5 for that and before you know it 200 quids gone and i didnt realise. Easily done. Oh and I use a computer AND a mobile phone and I like to travel but get pissed off with my family always asking where are you going? where have you been? who with? why? that I don't bother telling them or i'm pretty vague about it most of the time. I'm a fan of the killers too. Fuck me, should I go and hand myself in now?
  • Song B.
    No, please let me report you, there might be a reward, and some quidco in it :)
  • Average.Joe
    That's funny Jaz, because I thought the Koran specifically said Muslims should kill unbelievers wherever you [the Muslims] find them, that Jews should have their heads and fingertips stricken off, that it was the duty of all Muslims to violently jihad against the unbelievers. Didn't Mohammad set the precedent by massacring whole tribes of Jews? I'm not claiming that the Koran is less violent than say... the Bible... where people were regularly stoned etc, but I find it bizarre when Muslim apologists try to deny what's literally written in it, or try to hide the fact that later surahs abrogate earlier ones. As far as this thing written here, I think people are becoming overly paranoid. We all know good and well that the the only people that need to be 'watched' are Arabs and Muslims in general. I know that's not politically correct, but the truth rarely is.
  • Jaz
    Average Joe, and this is written where exactly?
  • Rostam
    Average Joe: Funny thing -- much like the Bible, the Qur'an is a historical as well as religious compilation. I could quote any number of Biblical verses removed from context in order to support, say, killing every man, boy, and married woman in a city and keeping all the virgins to yourself, or executing women who've been raped, or prostituting your daughters for the Lord. The Israelites slaughtered entire cities in the Bible. They massacred men, women and children, and did a lot of stuff that sounds really quite evil. Until you, y'know, actually bother to look at the rest of it and realize that they did these things while *at war* with the people in question, *in battle*. During the time of Muhammad, in the early days of Islam, there was a lot of tribal shit going on. War, truce, betrayal, deception, etc. They didn't even care about Jews; they had no beef with them. The Muslims' attention was more focused on the Pagan tribes with which they were warring. But yes, some Jewish tribes didn't fare too well -- after forming peace treaties with the Muslim tribe and then proceeding to attack them anyway. Funny thing is, the Jewish and Pagan and, eventually, other Muslim tribes who kept their peace agreements were, astonishingly, relatively peaceful. It should also be noted that the Qur'an quite clearly defines Jews as believers, as well as Christians, Sabeans, and (I believe) Zoroastrians. The unbelievers referred to are the pagans, with which they were usually at war. The verse you cite ("kill [them] wherever you find them") is Al Baqurah 2:191. The immediately preceding verse, 2:190 says "Fight for the cause of God those who fight you, but do not transgress, for God does not love the transgressors." (emphasis added) Context, my friend. The actual truth of almost every single verse cited by the alarmists and hatemongers could be understood if they would just read the ones that immediately precede and follow. That is, when these people bother to cite real verses. Sorry for hijacking (hah) the thread.

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