Why we're all terrorists now - and so are you, too
Ladies and gentlemen, we don't know what to say. It seems we've nowhere left to go, we're out of options, so we'll step forward and admit it - Bitterwallet are terrorists. Fact.
You see, Andy's a grumpy twat who can't abide his neighbours and so prefers not to talk to them. Mof shuts the curtains in the living room when he's watching The Old Grey Whistle Test on the widescreen tv, and I like to pay for stuff down the shops with cash rather than a debit card because I'm up past my eyes in debt. See? Bang to rights. Based on this evidence, you should contact the authorities immediately and tell them we're planning to kill someone.
The thing is, we're not even taking the piss. This is a recorded promo taken from talkSPORT, the national radio station for white van drivers:
We'll be honest, we haven't listened to talkSPORT ourselves to verify the ad for fear of self-harming as a consequence, but we've confirmed similar messages have been broadcast on other London-based radio stations. (Nor are we advocating the views of the website that posted the YouTube video, since it talks of shadow organisations and "the world moving towards global centralised governance" - it all sounds a step away from Icke)
Concern about suspicious activity is one thing; insisting everyone play citizen spy and report neighbours who enjoy their privacy is quite another. Remember London's Orwellian surveillance posters? Even a the crime of being a photographer in a street is a step too far. Going out in public appears to pose a security risk, but if you stay at home and don't give up your right to privacy, you're a terrorist!
It's still a little ambiguous, however; are they suggesting terrorists can go undetected by making small talk, opening their curtains and applying for a credit card? Let's hope they never work that out. And thank the lord companies don't give away credit cards like lollypops, eh?
There's more helpful information for spotting a terrorist on the Metropolitan Police website:
Terrorists need to travel – Meetings, training and planning can take place anywhere. Do you know someone who travels but is vague about where they’re going?
Yes. Men who are having yankee doodle in the Premier Inn at Grantham with somebody other than their wife.
Terrorists need communication – Anonymous, pay-as-you-go and stolen mobiles are typical. Have you seen someone with large quantities of mobiles? Has it made you suspicious?
Yes. Mobile phone salesmen have large quantities of mobiles. And men who are having yankee doodle with somebody other than their wife usually have more than one phone.
Terrorists use computers...
It's you! You're using a computer, you're a terrorist! Christ almighty, where's my phone? What's that number I have to call, the one on the Metropolitan Police website? Now I'm using a computer - I'm a terrorist too! Fuck!