What on earth are Apple planning now?

There’s few things on Earth weirder than the patents that are taken out by giant corporations as they hedge their bets about what might come to pass in the future. We assume they’re just guessing this stuff, right?

Creepy Cupertino pioneerisers Apple have just been awarded a fistful of patents for what they’re calling smart garments, although we’re already saving valuable man-hours by referring to them as ‘smarments’.

Here’s one of the diagrams for a smarment patent – your homework for tomorrow is to try and explain to us just what the freaking hell is going on here….




  • james D.
    It's pretty clear to me. Apple have identified that a very common use of their MP3 players is for jogging purposes. However unlike when their customers are using an iMac or an iPhone they have no opportunity to sell them anything since they are busy running. This appears to offer an accessory to connect to your iPod which probably collects GPS data and information about strides per second etc. This information is stored in your MP3 player until you get home to provide you with information about your run. At the same time apple will point out services that may be of interest to you on your iRun perhaps playing you a message like "isn't it hot out, I bet you would like to have a tasty bottle of iWater right about now. Then keep bugging you and point out, oh look you seem to be approaching iVend why not stop here and get an iWater, yes it costs £5 but we will just charge it to your iTunes account don't worry about it, your sooo thirsty.
  • james D.
    Ga I missed an opportunity for a fantastic iRan joke, i'll work on it.
  • Boris
    Spot on James. I hope it directs you to pie shops too. Mmmmm pies - or iPies - the joggers nectar.
  • Inigo
    it's probably an attempt to patent jogging, wearing clothes, and listening to music all at the same time - or in any combination of - so that they can waste everybody's time with ridiculous lawsuits and prove to everybody that their douchebaggery knows no limits
  • kingkio
    look's like they have invented iSocks..
  • I-rate
    iWish those iPrats would take an iJump into the iRiver. Their iSpeclative iPatent are iTaking the iPiss.
  • Tony S.
    Surely this is for the iRon Man competition?
  • Kris
    It looks like they're thinking of GPS route planning, too. Perhaps changing the route on different runs according to whatever is in that "Preference File"
  • iPap
    maybe they are going to turn everyone's heads into giant iPotatoes with ears.
  • Brad
    Just another way to get adverts to you from the look of it.
  • Dick
    It is obvious. There is a volatile gas molecule sensor in the shoe, and this will map out where dog shit, puke, etc is located on the pavement. Thus your trainers will learn from other runners' trainers where the dog shit is. You will get an audio warning when you approach a pile of dog shit or pile of puke, so you do not slip in it.
  • Dick
    Oh, and if you do slip in it, you will get adverts for shoe cleaner and no-win-no-fee lawyers.
  • callum
    I do wonder why the advertisements are being sent to the foot instead of to the ears.... Though I guess it could just be to signify that it's some sort of location based service. Not hugely different to existing technologies already out there. Running applications already exist and location-based advertising already exists. Presumably the reason why they've never been put together is because no-one would agree to listen to adverts during a workout when they could just use a free alternative that doesn't broadcast ads.
  • Dick
    Whatever it is, apple clearly has no aspirations of going towards wireless headphones.
  • DragonChris
    @james Dewitt - iLolled.
  • iTwat
    Tee hee - can I join in the iFun? It's making my tummy tickly. The smart pants will detect your erection and full ball sac, and direct you to the nearest iTittyBar so you can make payments to your iTunes account for some iRelief. Mmmm.
  • Mike H.
    Simple, it plays music based on what you're wearing and your current activity. So, if you're in a poncy bar wearing plimsoles, tight jeans, tight polo t-shirt and 'jaunty' trillby and trying to act all cool, it'll probably play something from your extensive Steps collection, because you're a twat.
  • Apple E.
    This device is designed to play music in accordance to the runners speed. Effectively allowing them to exercise to the beat. When connected to iTunes, it will analyse exercise data and recommend music and other techniques based on the performance of the individual. It's simple really, we are here to make the most of your life.
  • Frank P.
    Its an alchemists plan for a machine that will play cult like subliminal messages recorded by Steve Jobs prior to him going to iHell. The messages may cause the listener to buy every new i-product that comes onto the market. Those that are more susceptible to the messages may even find themselves defending i-products in forums and around the interweb in general as though they were protecting there own children from a herd of hungry antelopes.
  • ShakesHeadSadly
    Surely it's a device to tell which adverts you have run past on your iJog. If you don't then buy those products they know the advert didn't work and can have the marketing people eaten by boxing kangaroo's. Yes. Boxing kangaroo's.
  • fra
    or maybe it's an old patent for the Nike+ system which has been available for years. Why are patent trolls so fascinated by Apple's filings, every tech company is filing many many of these fanciful suggestions. Many in the hope that someone else invent it and they can make a fortune suing them. Apple is no different, just seems that it annoys the hell outta people for no reason. If you don't like it there's many more alternatives, go look at what ya takes your fancy. It's a bit like watching tv, ya don't switch on a channel you hate then complain, you switch over to an alternative!

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