This is the most important news story you will ever read
Thanks to avid Bitterwallet reader The Couch for this, a news story of planet-shattering proportions. Admittedly it's now a year old, but such is the seriousness of the issue, you'll be grateful we brought it to your attention.
By the way, if you begin reading it and expect to learn it's all an early April Fool, it never happens. No, really.
Whitstable mum in custard shortage
A MUM of three is dis-custard after a hunt for the dessert sauce in the town proved fruitless.
Keen baker Jules Serkin, 43, of West Cliff, Whitstable, needed a tin of custard powder to top off her apple and blackcurrant crumble.
But she was left with a sour taste in her mouth after getting no joy in either Co-ops at Oxford Street and Canterbury Road, and in Somerfield, in the High Street.
Even a trek to Tankerton's Tesco Express - a corner shop version of its superstores - was wasted.
"I try to support my local businesses, but in the end I had to resort to going to one of the big supermarkets to get what I needed," said Jules, a holiday rental company director.
"I feel very sad that I can't seem to get basic stuff from my high street, and am driven to go online.
"Custard is a staple product on my shopping list and I cannot understand why it should be so hard to find.
"An assistant in Somerfield said they'd had other shoppers asking for tins of custard, but it hadn't been in stock since the shop was refurbished.
"And in the Co-ops I was just greeted with an empty shelf where it should be, and no idea when they might be getting it in.
"I am upset because it seems these shops cannot order a product that customers are demanding as it doesn't seem to fit in with what they are selling.
"I had to resort to buying sachets which cost only a few pence less than a tin, and don't go very far at all. If I buy a tin, it goes in my pantry and will last me quite a few crumbles.
"I'm making an apple and blackcurrant crumble and, as I am trying to eat healthily can control what I put into the custard, like skimmed milk.
"With the sachets, there are all sorts of ingredients and additives - and you just add water to make it.
"It's very convenient, but not as good as the real thing. Custard should be a lovely comfort, nice and thick."
Mrs Serkin finally managed to find a tin of own brand custard powder in a Co-op, a few days after her initial hunt, but not her beloved Bird's.
That, avid readers, is only half the story. The other half involves our intrepid reporter tracking down all the store managers and interrogating them with regards to their insufficient stocks of 'dessert sauce'. Fucking gripping.