The Merlot that speaks your language, wherever you are
We’re not intimidated by much here at Bitterwallet. There’s pretty much only repeats of Grange Hill with Gripper Stebson in them, Roy Keane and the haka that the Dealspwn team do every morning before they start work that stop us dead in our tracks (we preferred it much more when they did a haiku).
One thing we’re definitely not intimidated by is the label on a bottle of wine. Our approach is simple – look at the percentage and if the number is over 14, it goes in the trolley. But according to a survey by Spar, 64 percent of shoppers are indeed intimidated by the labels on bottles of wine.
With that in mind, the supermarket have tried to cut out the confusing jargon and have re-labelled their £4.99 Merlot in dialects specific to the area where the wine is being sold. Examples include…
LIVERPOOL: “A totally boss bottle of Merlot which smells o' blackberry, choccie, a brew and toffees. Juicy and complex like, this bevey is top wi most scran 'specially me ma's scouse. Tellin ye, this is deffo a bevey that will leave youz and youz mates made up over yez Sayers pastie.”
SOMERSET: “Alright my luvver, eers one helluva Merlot. Be stinkin hummin a sivvies thar be bleddy ansome wi yaw croust or oggy. Purfect ta share wi yaw pardy as i' aiin ta eavy. Mygar be a purdy wine! Churs!”
Churs? Bollocks more like. A Spar spokeswoman said: “Local shopkeepers and suppliers came up with the dialect – it's not come from central office or from a computer." We never said it had – what are they trying to hide? And what’s all this about a computer?
Come on Spar – bring out your secret multi-dialect machine. We demand to see it!! Unless of course it’s got the voice of Gripper Stebson. If it has it needs to be destroyed at once.
Spar say that the crazily-labelled bottles will be available in just 50 of their stores and rolled out across the country if they’re a hit. Which makes this whole thing look like a cynically-orchestrated move designed to get free publicity for Sp… oh shit, we’ve done it again haven’t we?