The Emperor’s New Chef- pay £10 a month for food that doesn’t exist

19 September 2012

plateIt’s harvest time. You know, when those of you lucky enough to have found a woman who will let you touch her and who have gone on to produce fruit of your loins will get to palm off all those odd looking tins from the back of the cupboard to send into school for the Harvest Festival. Old ladies like eating curried goat’s noses. Harvest time is a time to remember that, while NHS figures show that more of us in the UK are overweight than are a ‘healthy’ weight, and a further 26% of us are obese, some people in this world have nothing to eat.

And now you can join them. The latest slimming crazes (as if paying someone around £5 to read a set of scales for you wasn’t crazy enough) revolve around gastric bands, or even better, gastric band hypnosis, where you don’t actually have a gastric band fitted, but you are hypnotised so that you think you do. All the benefits of surgery with none of the risk.

Now, a Birmingham based company has gone one better. You can now get HypnoFood. That’s right, for a mere £9.99 a month (minimum 12 months) you can “enjoy the full range of hypnotic HYPNOFOOD chocolates, ice cream, hamburgers, hotdogs, cakes, biscuits, southern fried chicken, pizza, chips and more..” Each month you get one (yes, that’s one) MP3 ‘snack’ and one motivational MP3 to encourage you to lose weight. Not to mention a periodic motivational newsletter free with your subscription.

We would like to tell you that we have made this up. We have not. We would like to remember to you the childhood tale of the Emperor and his lovely new clothes, while pondering the sheer gall of people who sell you food that does not exist.

We have been unable to obtain an MP3 for you to listen to, but we wouldn’t want you to spoil your dinner by eating too many snacks anyway. Still, if you wanted to sign up for it, we consider it highly unlikely that they could hold you to a 12 month contract. We aren’t lawyers*, but when the terms and conditions of a contract are governed by “British Law”**, we suspect the proprietors could probably get beaten in a game of Guess Who. By a four year old.

Right. We’re off for a virtual bacon sandwich that won’t stay on our hips. Although strictly speaking, it won’t touch our lips either.

* Well, Len is a lawyer, but he’s not here.

** As you all already know, there is no such thing as British Law. There is Scots Law and the law of England and Wales.


  • leeisgod
    Wtf is dis real
  • Marky M.
    Where IS Len? He was really good.
  • boing
    If I torrent the chicken mp3s, is that poaching?
  • Nicodemus J.
    "As you all already know, there is no such thing as British Law. There is Scots Law and the law of England and Wales." I didn't know that, I thought that any commercial solicitor worth their salt has been drafting contracts that refer to the law of England ever since Wales got legislative powers - the rationale being that you don't really want Welsh law applying to an English contract.
  • Dick
    If someone pays me £10 per month, I'll send them a motivational mp3. Here is the script: You fat cunt. You dirty fat cunt.
  • J
    My fat sister did the hypnosis thing, and it worked for her. Set her back a fair few hundred squid but shes slighty less fat for it. Shame it didn't make her any less of a self-centred cow, she still palms her baby off on her poor ol mother 5 days a week, buys very expensive saucepans and refuses to potty-train her own kid.

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