Presenting... Bitterwallet's first fan fiction

20 August 2010

Bitterwallet - Star TrekWhen a cause, a belief or a cult television show attracts a critical mass of passionate followers (some would say 'avid'), a curious thing occurs. From out of this energetic and enthusiastic following comes a genre known as fan fiction - stories and narratives involving characters from the original source material. And it's big business - we have it on very good authority that there's massive demand amongst middle-aged women for gay porn involving Kirk and Spock.

And with that in mind, it appears that Bitterwallet has also reached that tipping point; we've received this genuine offering from Bitterwallet reader Paul.

Apparently he's received a tenner as part of a bet just for sending it in, and there's a KFC bargain bucket riding on it being published. Save us a bit of breast, son:

Captain Andy Dawson looked bored on the bridge of the USS BargainHunter. Travelling through space was all well and good, but screaming at the viewscreen with a three-foot image of David Dickinson's head squelching its way through another episode of Dickinson's Real Deal became dull after a while. Andy slouched in his chair and scratched his chin while he waited for another episode to start.

"Sir!" Bellowed Mof Gimmers. "Romulan Warbird decloaking off the port bow!" The ridges on Mof's head quivered in anticipation of battle. "Shall I raise shields?"

"Negative, Mr. Gimmers." Replied Andy, perking up a little at the prospect of not having to see David Dickinson for the next five minutes. "Hail them. On screen."

Immediately, the face of a cheery-looking Romulan appeared on the main display. "Captain!" He said. "Delighted to meet you. I'm Matt Gardner and I have the cargo you requested."

"Excellent." Replied Andy, standing up to take center-stage like a Shakespearean-actor. "I must say though, you are a little late and the goods are a little overpriced. Would you be interested in, say, lowering your postage and packing fees in preparation for transport?"

The image scowled back at Andy. "How dare you, Captain!" Barked Matt. "I have spawned the best deals I could, and now you blatantly defy me? You shall pay for this!"

The screen blanked and the buffering placeholder for another episode of Dickinson's Real Deal appeared in the middle. "Sir!" Barked Mof. "The Romulans are turning to face us, and are raising their prices!"

Andy turned to Mof. "Bad customer service, Mister Gimmers. Fire the discount torpedoes! We'll turn their overpriced ship into a burning pile of hot UK deals!" The screen clicked on again to show two bright orange points of light streak toward the romulan ship, blasting it into a shower of convincing 90's special effects. "Scan for our cargo, Mr. Gimmers. Beam it aboard into the Gratis Grab Bag."

"Aye sir."

We didn't say it was any good, however, and it may be all a wind-up, but we were touched. No, not there. We've no idea who Matt Gardner is either, so there's every chance some poor sod is going to get punched in the balls over this.


  • ATennerPoorer
    Damn, I owe Paul a tenner and a KFC now!
  • Paul N.
    Matt Gardner is Dealspwn senior editor but more importantly why are your faces not photoshopped onto that pic.
  • Paul S.
    Sorry boss. Andy hasn't spoke to me since the masturbating Jesus I published yesterday.
  • Shandy K.
    What an avid prick.
  • qwertyuiop
    Why did you make it into a star trek story? Mof Gimmers is a character lifted directly out of star wars. Wasn't he the dude who had the first Death Star blow up Alderaan?

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