Please Do Not Buy 'Jamie - The Magazine.' Please.

We're not here to dictate to you how you spend your cash but...

Fat-tongued, flan-handling cookery gimp Jamie Oliver has today conjured up yet another reason to be globally loathed by launching his own magazine, which is being pedalled as the equivalent of "being invited round to Jamie's house." Super – you haven’t got a problem with us bringing a bucket of petrol and some cheap fireworks along as well have you mate?

It’s imaginatively titled ‘Jamie Magazine’ - yes it even has the word ‘Magazine’ on the cover in case you mistakenly think you’re holding a sodding birthday card, and tucked away among issue one’s endless pages of drippy, self-regarding cack include a column by his glassy-eyed wife along with a feature on Jamie’s poker nights with his fellow bell-end Dexter Fletcher (where did we put that bucket of petrol again?)

Thankfully, although his magazine makes every single one of us a little bit more dead in our hearts, Oliver has gone to the trouble of printing his thoughts and feelings and photos on matt paper from sustainable managed forests, which makes it unique among UK food titles. Shame the little irritant couldn’t have printed it on rice paper – then we could at least have scoffed it after ploughing through its contents before exclaiming, “Is that it? Is that fucking it?”

We scratched our heads until they bled wondering who would be the next celeb deranged enough to launch a similar vanity magazine – the best we could come up with was this…


  • Mike H.
    What a self-rightious twat, fancy creating a magazine all about himself, as if we really want to know any more about his antics with his dick-head mates when they all went for a 'ruby' I take it with issue 2 there will be a free sample of dribble, and a pull out section of how to talk mockney when your down the 'ol'battlecruzer' with your mates, cnut. Praise the Lord for the return of the swearing, good on ya Andy
  • Spoonyboy
    Fuckin Pukka. Maybe this is just for fat kids who eat nothing but chips & gravy? He could have at least included a centre page spread featuring his missus & some interesting shaped fruit.
  • rr
    because writing a blog isnt at all self indulgent and doesnt show a self importance complex.............
  • Anna
    Hey, don't knock Paul Daniels. I heard a sketch with him on Radio 4 and he's really funny.
  • Gale
    Gotta wonder what pleases you guys. Talk about a self importance complex......At least he gets off his arse to try to do something. Adds new meaning to our term "whinging pom." Gale (Australia)
  • Bitterwallet B.
    [...] our less-than-polite coverage on Jamie Oliver’s new magazine swept through sites down under like sprout fluid through an intestinal tract. [...]
  • JD
    What exactly is it that you have against Jamie Oliver? Maybe it is his campaign for improving the food our kids are served at school...shame on him! Or maybe it is the fact that he is actually trying to improve the way we eat in this country...disgraceful! I thought this website was about "tireless efforts in reporting lamentable customer service". Damn that Jamie Oliver and his underhand tactics to try and make you cook a meal. So you don't like the guy. Big deal. Get over yourself and go buy a Happy Meal. Have a great New Year.
  • aphexbr
    Too late... I bought the first issue then subscribed afterwards... Hey, I actually like Jamie's recipes and ideas (yep, the 100 recipes are what hooked me). If talentless and annoying twats (IMHO) like Russell Brand, Alan Carr and Paris Hilton can continue making careers, I have no problem supporting people I like. Expect to see the next issue in shops on time, it's just a shame this is a bi-monthly release. Oh, I have to ask - why did you even pick up a copy to begin with? If you're that opposed to the guy in the first place, why did you read it? I assume you must have read it cover to cover to pick up on the 2 page article on the poker night (which is there to support the inclusion of a recipe and isn't mentioned on the cover)... You must have a fairly empty life if you're that desperate to find something to be outraged about.
  • Chilliman
    Jamie is alright, I like his TV programs, at least he has made something of himself instead of creating a website to whine about petty things like this. He is a success, hated by many but loved and respected my more. There are FAR more important things going on in the world to worry about, get a grip!!!!!
  • Erin A.
    I was pleased to read this article, keep up the good work.
  • jeanne
    I'm a little confused at the negativity toward Mr.Oliver. 'Layman Genius' unable to recruit due to said Layman. Perhaps Jamie needs to simplify even more for you. I, for one, flourish in my kitchen with his straight forward easy pizazz. FUN. Thanks Jamie! Divine Delicious Delightful. jeanne from chicago
  • jeanne
    Hope to see you in the States again. Well Done. We're a tricky lot...xo

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