“1983… A Merman I Should Turn To Be” roared Jimi Hendrix back in 1968. It didn’t happen of course, because within two years, Hendrix was dead after drowning on his own vomit. What kind of a fucking merman would he have made anyway if he can’t handle a bit of vomit? With that in mind, was he really as great as they all say?

His fellow rock warrior Jim Morrison had a slightly better stab at the whole merman thing – he died in actual water, pegging it in a Parisian bath ten months later, although as his weight had ballooned drastically prior to his death, he bore closer resemblance to a blue whale than a fucking merman. It sounds great doesn’t it – ‘fucking merman.’ That’s why I used I’ve used it three times now.

But I digress – I’m not really here to poke fun at dead rock stars or bang on about fucking mermans. This piece is more about a creepy new piece of swimwear that will turn any lady who dares wear it into a fully-operational mermaid.

The Mermagica mermaid tails come in kids and adult sizes and re‘tail’ for about $120, but it’s not apparent what the protocol is when you’re wearing one while out of the water. Walking would be almost impossible so it looks as though dragging yourself along the ground is the only way to get from A to B while on dry land.

It’s all a bit not-quite-right to be honest, so I’ll go back to my worn-out VHS copy of Splash and my cassette of Electric Ladyland. Move along please – nothing to see here…