No more onion bawling kitchen mayhem - it's the Onion Bully!

Finally – a product that will guarantee a no-tears experience when chopping onions. It’s the Onion Bully – sounds as though it sets about the offending piece of vegetable with a pointed stick, but in fact you put it in your mouth.

It’s all about tear science you see – when you put the Onion Bully in your pie-hole, it TELLS your brain to man the fuck up and stop crying, allowing you to chop away to your heart’s content without looking as though you’ve just been watching a triple bill of Titanic, Beaches and Ghost.

Ten dollars plus shipping is a bit steep for what is essentially just a thin strip of metal though, surely? Tell us Bitterwalletketeers – what is YOUR tried and trusted method of fending off an attack of the raging sobs when you’re chopping onions? Best one wins an onion voucher.



  • raptorcigs b.
    my trouser junk has the same property's email me ladies
  • Show V.
    Make the missus cut 'em up - hormonal bitch fucken cries all the bastard time as it is, get her doing something constructive in the meantime
  • Chef R.
    My lazy bitch ass wife won't go in the kitchen so I have to do all the cooking. The few times she has tried to cook, she fucked it all up. But I find the onion problem is solved by wearing contact lenses.
  • Chris
    Contact lenses for me too.....
  • Jase
    Pardon the pun but is it not just the generic sucking idea that reduces the amount your eyes stream? Something to do with the pressures in the head or even just the concentration of keeping the spoon in your mouth? I've been told to put a teaspoon in your mouth whilst chopping onions, done it a few times and it seems to work. Just the idea of spending $10 on something like this is bad, but what I'd find worse is explaining it to anyone who found looks like a cheap piece of S&M gear that's accidentally got mixed in the wrong draw.
  • businessman
    Just cut them up underwater. I mean obviously in the sink not an abyssal trench.
  • MrRobin
    Use a food processor Wear goggles Cut at arms length Keep your eyes shut (not all these things at once)
  • Bobshep
    Just tuck a little piece of bread inside your mouth between your top lip and gum. Works fine for me.
  • JP
    A length of bread crust inserted in your mouth between your gums and top lip. works a treat.
  • darkspark88
    what a piece of crap
  • Nobby
    > without looking as though you’ve just been watching a triple bill of Titanic, Beaches and Ghost. I would have imagined a shotgun in the mouth is the only remedy for watching those three in a row.
  • John R.
    The key to avoid crying whilst chopping onions is to not form an emotional attachment to them.
  • Wonky H.
    Maybe I've got bipolar affective disorder?
  • kimbo f.
    Buy them frozen! already chopped so no hassle :)
  • Ashley
    Works with a metal spoon for me.
  • Arnolds S.
    Breadsticks in your nose and ears, and a whole warbies toastie loaf in your mouth whilst wearing protective goggles will ensure "tear free" slicing and dicing onion moments
  • Macca
    Er! I'm not interested unless I get the Garlic Bully with it. and BTW the bread in mouth thing does not work, the only thing that does is the removal of your tear ducts by a surgeon.
  • Bill
    Personally, I always get Chuck Norris to cut my onions up. No tears whatsoever.
  • Chris S.
    This is just the spoon in the mouth method with the handle cut off it does work though
  • Naked f.
    Don't they know how to cut onions in the US. I've never seen such wuzzies! Put some wellie into it! Use the knife parallel to the chopping board, not like a guillotine! Tsk! Women in the kitchen!
  • Dan
    I found the Official Onion Bully Video on Youtube If you notice the video is slightly different then the one posted above! I guess it's a legit product....ridiculous but legit
  • dunfyboy
    I use leeks instead of onions. I fucking hate onions.
  • Codify
    The theory works, but you can get the same effect by chewing a piece of gum or putting a piece of bread in your mouth. No need to pay for this useless gizmo
  • Fritzel
    WTF IS DIS REAL? surely a spoon would do the same thing i'll save myself $10 faggots
  • no w.
    The best surefire way of not crying is to put the knife on the board and push the onion on to it. Reversing the action like this however does mean that someone else cries a lot more in another dimension.
  • Jack
    Did most of you miss 'The Onion' reference? FFS
  • blagga
    No, I didn't miss it and was thinking the same thing. There's also the small matter of the fact that it's The Onion's logo on the vid. FFS once again..
  • Babar
    Here is a tried and tested tip: Peel the onions skin, and then wash them under cold water. 30 seconds is more than enough. Then chop them as usual. I have done this hundreds of times, and it seems to work everytime! Good luck.

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