New food labelling plans could flood the world with elephants. Possibly.
Did you know that 370,000 tonnes of food is chucked away every year – that’s about the equivalent of… pfff, 90 million adult elephants or something. And you have to agree, that’s a diabolical waste of elephants when we could be spending that same amount of energy burning convicted paedophiles alive instead.
Tell you what, we’ll start this one again.
Sell-by and display-by dates could disappear from packaged food and will be replaced by a more understandable, universal use-by date in a bid to avoid the senseless death of millions of elephants. Bugger, we’ve gone back to the elephant thing again when there was absolutely no need whatsoever.
Anyway, the upshot is that lots of us (well not us, but, you know, thick people) get confused by the various dates that appear on food packaging and waste a planet-sized pile of food every year by chucking away grub that’s still got a bit of life in it. The Food Standards Agency are looking to sort it all out and simplify the whole thing, probably flooding the planet with excess elephants in the process.
Elsewhere, we could all soon be recycling our waste food in a more efficient way, stopping it from ending up on landfill sites where it creates greenhouse gases, which as we all know, kill often-innocent penguins and polar bears.
New types of recycling bins have been proposed, but here’s an alternative suggestion. Every evening, at about 7.30pm, those excess elephants trudge down every street in Britain with huge baskets hanging by their sides. We, the wasteful scum-public, then come out from our homes and throw potato peelings and old fruit into the baskets before the elephants take it all away and do whatever is necessary to stop those polar bears and penguins from pegging it. Job done