New food labelling plans could flood the world with elephants. Possibly.

Did you know that 370,000 tonnes of food is chucked away every year – that’s about the equivalent of… pfff, 90 million adult elephants or something. And you have to agree, that’s a diabolical waste of elephants when we could be spending that same amount of energy burning convicted paedophiles alive instead.

Tell you what, we’ll start this one again.

Sell-by and display-by dates could disappear from packaged food and will be replaced by a more understandable, universal use-by date in a bid to avoid the senseless death of millions of elephants. Bugger, we’ve gone back to the elephant thing again when there was absolutely no need whatsoever.

Anyway, the upshot is that lots of us (well not us, but, you know, thick people) get confused by the various dates that appear on food packaging and waste a planet-sized pile of food every year by chucking away grub that’s still got a bit of life in it. The Food Standards Agency are looking to sort it all out and simplify the whole thing, probably flooding the planet with excess elephants in the process.

Elsewhere, we could all soon be recycling our waste food in a more efficient way, stopping it from ending up on landfill sites where it creates greenhouse gases, which as we all know, kill often-innocent penguins and polar bears.

New types of recycling bins have been proposed, but here’s an alternative suggestion. Every evening, at about 7.30pm, those excess elephants trudge down every street in Britain with huge baskets hanging by their sides. We, the wasteful scum-public, then come out from our homes and throw potato peelings and old fruit into the baskets before the elephants take it all away and do whatever is necessary to stop those polar bears and penguins from pegging it. Job done


  • Nobby
    I'm waiting for someone to invent / sell the "whole elephant in a can". Just like that chicken in a can on here recently, but more filling. I wonder what the use by date would be.
  • MinstrelMan
    interesting analogy....... how ever shouldnt pedo's just be stoned to death (i'm talking having rocks thrown at them not by smoking copious amounts of marajuana) tell you what we can get those chavy twats who are doing community service to do it, its something they cant really fail at as their gardening skills are shit! Pedo's get bricked, chavs do something usefull, I should well run for PM! Hang on...... wasnt this story about elephants?
  • Uncle T.
    Supermarkets throw away loads of food, which has just gone over the display-by-date, every night. I usually hang around the back near the bins and help myself.
  • Amanda H.
    If we slaughter all bulimic people, there should be enough food for all. What a wonderful world that would be.
  • Francis R.
    "use by" dates are a health rule, with the exception of eggs "best before" just means it's of optimum quality before that date. Simples.
  • James C.
    Dear Mr Wallet, I wish to complain. Your correspondent Mr Andrew Dawson said in this posting that "70,000 tonnes of food is chucked away every year – that’s about the equivalent of… pfff, 90 million adult elephants or something." As any trained journalist would tell you, the average weight of an adult elephant is actually 4,100 kg, which means that 70,000 tonnes of food is actually the equivalent of 90,243 elephants. And another nine-tenths of another one. I demand Mr Dawson's full written apology for this sloppy journalism, and would also like to request that you cancel my subscription immediately.
  • Paul N.
    Dear Mr Cridland, Unfortunately due to the amount of food chucked away every year our Bitterwallet calculation elephants are well below the EU elephant weight standard (kilophants).
  • pauski
    @ James. 370,000 tonnes, you missed the number 3. However your end calculation is correct. Do you know Mr i phone? Finding big problems with that tonight.
  • Andy D.
    Dear Mr Cridland, I can't believe you've gone to the trouble to work that out. Also, I can't believe I got the 90 part right, as i plucked the figure out of the air. Anyway, sorry. Love, Andy

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