i-dosing, or why your children will die from digital drugs tonight
It's like Brass Eye never happened.
We're sad to say our eagle-eyed news unicorns missed this story last week, and we've had them hacked to bloody pieces as a result. Thankfully avid Bitterwallet reader Piers alerted us to the phenomenon of i-dosing instead. If you didn't know about it before now, it's just possible we've saved the lives of your children. We'll let the Daily Mail explain further:
"This is... the new craze sweeping the internet in which teenagers used so-called ‘digital drugs’ to change their brains in the same way as real-life narcotics.
"They believe the repetitive drone-like music will give them a ‘high’ that takes them out of reality, only legally available and downloadable on the Internet.
"The craze has so far been popular among teenagers in the U.S. but given how easily available the videos are, it is just a matter of time before it catches on in Britain."
This is the science and technology section of a national newspaper reporting that teenagers experience intense feelings listening to particular music tracks. Beethoven reduces people to tears and despair, and nobody bats an eyelid; stick some tone on YouTube and suddenly your kids are a breath away from sticking syringes of crack in their faces. That's because the internet is evil, innit?
This news report could have been produced by the Onion News Network. But it wasn't. And despite i-dosing seemingly threatening the life of every child in the state of Oklahoma, the reporter can't actually find anybody who has tried it, or indeed heard of it prior to her showing up:
Yes, you read correctly - i-dosing can cause "laughing and shaking". Like drinking beer. Or supporting Norwich City. Jesus wept. Not that teenagers are an impressionable sort or anything, but if you tell them they ought to experience unusual sensations then peer pressure ensures they will. My mates at school reckoned if you dropped an aspirin in a can of Carling Black Label, then you'd get really pissed. And they were right. Swear down.
We're reasonably sure this urban myth has been kicking about the intermaweb for years, but it's not just the Daily Mail who are scaring the fuck out of parents too stupid to question their news agenda; here's the Huffington Post's take on it, which appears to have led to the Daily Mail's take-up of the story. At least some of the Mail's more astute readers have provided scientific clarity in the comments section:
Now if you don't mind, we're off to listen to some Floyd and do a metric fuckton of Cake.