House for sale: one not-so-careful previous owner

6 March 2012

19431_2126319_IMG_07_0000_max_620x414 We’re all jaded by the antics of estate agents, in particular the artistic licence that they use in order to make silk purses from sow’s ears when they’re describing a property. Sometimes though, you can’t polish a turd and the Mike Rogerson estate agency of Morpeth should be applauded for the language deployed in the description of a four-bedroom end-of-terrace dump that they’ve been charged with the task of flogging.

Here’s some of the highlights…

"Looking unremarkable from the outside, it deserves further investigation from the monumental masonry cracks as soon as you open the door, to the crumbling handrail and dodgy stone steps leading to the garage and small garden."

"The north facing windows have been paint stuck for years, including one over the archway which is open to the elements. The carpets are tatty throughout and the whole place is in dire need of tender updating."

"The property itself has a rather shabby exterior which is compounded immediately upon entering the property by a matching disregard to what may be generally considered habitable, and being untouched by the 21st Century, will require blood sweat and tears to haul it anywhere back to modern tastes."

"The traditional features and abundance of character are counteracted by a broad grinning crack to one wall in the entrance vestibule. Hope may then resurface upon viewing the lounge, a reception room with a high ceiling, but will require any purchaser to acquire step ladders to eradicate those pesky spider webs, something that is clearly beyond the present owner."

"An adequate supply of reading material is essential when visiting the downstairs wc, to help dispel the gloom of the room."

"A first floor landing may initially appear to be carpeted with pleasantly patterned silver strips, however on closer inspection, these strips are merely pieces of tape holding the carpet together."

"If the prospective purchaser is feeling a little 'unkempt' following the viewing, an adequate bathroom is on hand to rinse away any accumulated grime."

"For obvious reasons, an internal inspection is absolutely essential."

[thanks to avid Bitterwallet reader Tits McGee]

17 comments

  • qwertyuiop
    You have to give them points for trying. There are one or two nice photos in that mess. But you have to wonder, do they actually want to sell the property? The description doesn't match up with the sort of home you'd expect to pay almost 300k for.
  • dai
    you'd almost suspect that this is a deliberate attempt to go "viral". Those crazy internet marketers, whatever will they think of next?
  • will
    it really doesn't look too bad. from reading the description, i would have expected much worse
  • Phil
    That house is in better condition than my current house was when I bought it and I would have only described that as 'needing a little work' at worst. This is so faked to generate internet interest as others have said.
  • Mary H.
    Hey, describing Kirsty Alsopp like that isn't fair!
  • Sgt W.
    Look, you can polish a turd. It just has to be the right consistency
  • Jeebus
    Whilst I tend to agree that this is somewhat fake, in general I'd rather estate agents were brutally honest. The range of superlatives used to describe houses which are usually pretty shit is unbeleivable. Less cosy, more tiny, etc.
  • The B.
    It depends on whether those cracks are structural, subsidence is a pain in the arse, and common in older (Victorian or older) houses due to lack of foundations.
  • Mary H.
    Jeebus - yeah, they'll sell a lot more houses then! DICK-END!
  • jt
    Does anyone know where you get those lenses that estate agents use to make all rooms look 10 times bigger than they are and all gardens 10 times longer?
  • Mike H.
    jt - they're next to the rose-tinted specs, aisle 13
  • Jeebus
    Mary Hinge: they may not sell that house fuckwit but at least they won't have wasted my/their/the sellers time and/or money by showing me a property they know they can't sell and I'm not interested in buying plus there's the added bonus that I'll be more likely to believe their other adverts and therefore more likely to buy another property through them. Houses that shite are for auctions.
  • Wonky H.
    And lets see what happens when it goes......under the hammer.
  • Clarkson
    £275 for a house in Morpeth? Bit rich for my tastes....
  • Dick
    They just use fairly wide angle lenses and squat down to change the perspective from how you normally see a room. Makes it look bigger.
  • confused c.
    @Jeebus 'Houses that shite are for auctions.' Is this house toilet trained ??
  • monkeyhanger
    I know this estate agent well. They serve my local area and they mustn't sell any houses as they are the only local estate agent to cow-tow to client's ridiculous asking price requests. A house in the next street to me is overpriced by 36% compared to a recent sale of it's identical neighbour 2 doors down, and another few of the same type selling for similar money. Asking £245k for a house where 3 identical examples in the same street have sold for around the £180k mark within the last 4 months is not good business.

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