House for sale: one not-so-careful previous owner
We’re all jaded by the antics of estate agents, in particular the artistic licence that they use in order to make silk purses from sow’s ears when they’re describing a property. Sometimes though, you can’t polish a turd and the Mike Rogerson estate agency of Morpeth should be applauded for the language deployed in the description of a four-bedroom end-of-terrace dump that they’ve been charged with the task of flogging.
Here’s some of the highlights…
"Looking unremarkable from the outside, it deserves further investigation from the monumental masonry cracks as soon as you open the door, to the crumbling handrail and dodgy stone steps leading to the garage and small garden."
"The north facing windows have been paint stuck for years, including one over the archway which is open to the elements. The carpets are tatty throughout and the whole place is in dire need of tender updating."
"The property itself has a rather shabby exterior which is compounded immediately upon entering the property by a matching disregard to what may be generally considered habitable, and being untouched by the 21st Century, will require blood sweat and tears to haul it anywhere back to modern tastes."
"The traditional features and abundance of character are counteracted by a broad grinning crack to one wall in the entrance vestibule. Hope may then resurface upon viewing the lounge, a reception room with a high ceiling, but will require any purchaser to acquire step ladders to eradicate those pesky spider webs, something that is clearly beyond the present owner."
"An adequate supply of reading material is essential when visiting the downstairs wc, to help dispel the gloom of the room."
"A first floor landing may initially appear to be carpeted with pleasantly patterned silver strips, however on closer inspection, these strips are merely pieces of tape holding the carpet together."
"If the prospective purchaser is feeling a little 'unkempt' following the viewing, an adequate bathroom is on hand to rinse away any accumulated grime."
"For obvious reasons, an internal inspection is absolutely essential."
[thanks to avid Bitterwallet reader Tits McGee]