Help - they won't leave me or my letterbox alone!

I can be quite an irritable sort from time to time, so in order to stop me from frenziedly stabbing a clothes peg salesperson, I’ve now attached one of these signs (pictured) to my front door.

Crucially, it’s right next to the letter box, so that anyone who tries to stuff a takeaway menu through, or fancies rat-a-tat-tatting before trying to introduce me to Jesus, can clearly see that I actually want them to piss off quickly instead.

But it’s not working. They’re just ignoring it and already this week I’ve received six various advertising leaflets and have been forced to swear at a lanky, creepy god-botherer. Where now?

I’ve already decided that any menus, or ad leaflets that have addresses on will be anonymously returned to the sender, without a stamp on the envelope, so that the offending advertisers can incur the postage when they get it back.  Still not sure what to do about the personal callers though. A snappy one-remark-fits-all response is needed.

Suggestions welcome from the Bitterwallet Massive, along with any anecdotage you’ve got about dealing with this seemingly unstoppable git-flood. Cheers.


  • Mike H.
    Answer the door holding a meat cleaver wearing rubber gloves and an apron having butchered a pig saying "please do come in, how much do you weigh?"
  • Zleet
    I usually open the door and let the person start talking. If it turns out their a bible basher or dodgy salesmen I just slowly close the door without having uttered a word. You have to do it slowly to get the nice bewildered expression.
  • Robin
    The menu pushers won't be able to read that! You need to put it in Turkish / Polish / Ukranian etc etc. Have them made up at great expense and attach them all to your door to create a nice motif. As for the God squad, a few heads on upturned crucifixes usually does the trick.
  • Andy D.
    @Zleet - that sounds like a winner. I'll have that one thanks!
  • magicbeans
    zleet u funny!
  • Antique A.
    When I have the time I like to invite God-botherers into the house, set them down on the sofa and gradually sit closer, staring deeply into their eyes and licking my lips. Young Mormon men are my favorites. Mmmm, yummy!
  • Ian
    You remind me of my granddad. Just walk with the items and put them in a recycle box. It only takes 10 seconds. As for cold callers, they are annoying but just have your number taken off the register. My granddad takes great pleasure in winding up the people making the calls, but as I point out to him, it's probably just students wanting to make some money. Just get your number taken off, and when you get them, just say you are not interested rather than being all grumpy.
  • Andy D.
    Ian, I'm talking about cold callers at my front door. I think you've severely misinterpreted what I'm saying.
  • acecatcher3
    taken from yahoo... WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man.. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my slate floor in the main entrance of the house! 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your floor, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'
  • Ian
    Ok, my bad! Last time I had someone around trying to sell me a religion I just said I wasn't interested in your cult, or the bible stuff and closed the door. The funniest one I had was a guy simply asking for any unwanted gold I had. Otherwise, that's all the highlights of cold callers I've had in recent years.
  • Andy D.
    Do you have any unwanted gold Ian? Because, you know, we'll take it off your hands for you...
  • Mike
    ... for free
  • Andy D.
    Of course not. We'll give him a Bitterwallet badge or something.
  • acecatcher3
    andy can i write an article soon plz, be the first guest makes sense "if u say yes ill stand outside ur house for a whole week and make ppl identify themselves before they knock on ur door"
  • Nobby
    We used to have a sign saying "Please leave extra leaflets. We find they make great fire starters." I also used to get loads of catalogues froma stationary company that would not stop sending them, despite asking them not to many times. So instead of asking them to stop sending them, I asked them to send ten per week, as we found that the thin paper they were printed on was the best paper to start our fire, but one per week was not enough. We didn't receive any more after that. That said, I keep all my pizza leaflets, as I find they make good material to return to banks when they send unsolicited mail with return envelopes included. As to cold callers, put your hands in your pockets and ask if they want to join in your game of pocket billiards.
  • Mike
    Throw em outside on the street, then ring the council to complain about the mess.
  • Mike H.
    ace, with such impecable use of spelling and grammar I give you my vote for guest writer.
  • chAadi w.
    hi y dnt u just shoot them???
  • Giles
    I vote for Ace too
  • j
    Sending menus in random freepost envelopes is always a good one, must brighten the day of whoever has to sort out the replys all day long. Had a glossy thing from British Gas recently trying to sell boiler cover, except we only have electricity here, along with another 400+ properties it was do doubt delivered to. Sent it back letting them know their error in big marker pen. There are loads of take aways around here using characters from films in their advertising. Peter Pan's Pizza, Casper Kebabs, etc Might have to collect some up and send them to Disney, Warner Bros. Maybe you can do a competition to submit the best (worst?) ones!
  • Bill B.
    I once saw a woman's car rolling slowly down a sloped road outside her house, headed towards oncoming traffic at a junction. Obviously she hadn't put her handbrake on fully. I knocked her door. She had a "no callers or salesmen" sign up. I had been at work, so had smart clothes on, and she must have assumed I was a salesman. Before I could get two words out, she shouted at me to "piss off", so I left. Her car rolled down the hill, careering into a wall across the street and writing it off. I visited her house two days later, wearing more scruffy clothes, and asked her how her car was. She didn't realise the error of her ways until I told her that she really shouldn't have lost her temper with me. Her answer? "Why didn't you say something?" :0
  • Andy D.
    Yeah, that's happened to me five or six times since I put the sign up but it's a small price to pay for a bit of peace and quiet.... :-)
  • Bedlambabe
    Have a look at this site. It gives you instructions for opting out of receiving unaddressed mail and unsolicited mail.
  • Justin M.
    Won't help against the endless pizza menus and salesmen trying to get me to switch energy providers though, which is the subject of the blog post.
  • NoelT
    I find answering the door naked and asking people in is a good way to make sure they (or their friends) never call again. Although me and my brother's favorite as kids was to start quotiing Monty Pythons Life of Brian "Stone him, he said Jehovah!!" and the like when my mum went to answer the door. And the old favorite F**k off, no emotion or anger, just coldly say it to people who try and stop you in the street...
  • PaganWolf
    Tie a ragged shirt with fake blood on it to your gate along with a sign that says "I have a pit bull that can make it to this point in 0.5 seconds, the last person that knocked on my door uninvited wasn't that much of a runner."
  • Hughs
    nice post, keep it up

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