Great headlines from unbearable magazines - all in one place!

22 October 2009

condomsinpoison Here at Bitterwallet HQ, we must collectively spend a small fortune on lurid coffee break magazines every week. You know the kind we’re talking about – Chat, Take A Break, Goat Herders Weekly, all of those. We just love the jaw-dropping real-life stories that they contain. In fact, we don’t even bother reading the stories any more – instead we just stare at the headlines and pictures on the front cover and try to imagine what they’re all about.

Now, we don’t even need to buy the mags themselves any more thanks to a new website called Take A Weird Break. It’s a one-stop for the greatest cover stories and big jug of intellectual nectar for types like us. And we’re always on the look out for big jugs of intellectual nectar around here.

Some of the all-time classics are included on the site – headlines such as: “No one could catch the… GENTLEMAN RAPIST!” and “My KFC BUCKET was a BABY!” Not to mention “MY BRAIN LEAKED OUT!” and “MONKEY had a meal… MY FACE! (Chimpanzee-eek!)

But does real-life reportage get any better than “He DUNKED our condoms in POISON!”? It surely can’t. As we’re collectively banned from loitering in the local newsagents, this website has proved to be an enormous boon. And we’re always on the lookout for enormous boons.

Why not give us your best effort at a real-life headline? We might dredge up some kind of crappy prize for the best one.

6 comments

  • Jeffrey A.
    These trash mag headlines really grind my gears. They ought to be prosecuted for barefaced lying. Two examples from a recent one I read: "Arrested because my husband was GAY!" - no love, after reading the story, you were arrested because you are a vile, foul mouthed abusive little psychopath who went and threatened to stab the guys elderly parents. "My fiance cheated on me... So I CUT OFF HIS LEGS!" - Really. What actually happened was she cut a few pairs of old trousers up that he left at home when he escaped your crazyness. The majority of them are just downright bollocks, and the people who a) come up with the headlines, b) think that the real stories behind them are actually interesting, and c) the stories are about, should all be rounded up and set loose in a cage full of face eating monkeys.
  • In f.
    "My balls exploded when she blew up my shaft!" Real story: I used to keep my antique football collection in an abandoned mine shaft at the bottom of the garden. My wife was so annoyed at me, always accusing me of loving my football collection more than I loved her. One day she got so upset that she lit some fireworks and threw them in, blowing up my footballs and collapsing the shaft forever!
  • Junkyard
    Goat Herders Weekly hasn't been the same since they got rid of the Readers' Goats section.
  • Conor
    This is a weird coincidence. I have a picture of the same mag cover after I decided to share the experience with my partner via mms. He replied with, "That's good, but not as good as my favourite: 'Gay skitzo raped me with fire!'". Nice.
  • Amanda H.
    "Jady Goody's corpse signs up for Celebrity Dead Brother"
  • Amanda H.
    jady? jady? you know who, the dead one.

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