Deathwatch: White Lightning - soon to strike the livers of boozy misfits for the final time

17 December 2009

budget1-white-lightning deathwatchAll over the country today, former teenagers who can’t let go of the past and tramps will be in floods of tears when they learn that the erstwhile cider-based drink of winnners losers, White Lightning will soon be no more.

Brewers (if that’s the correct word) Heineken have called time on the legendarily cheap and quite cheerful potion after giving up on their attempts to improve its image. To be fair, they’d have been better off just having a stab at curing head cancer instead if they were looking for an easy life.

Heineken tried to smarten up the image of White Lightning by reducing its alcohol content from 7.5% to 5.5% but the move was akin to putting a spinning bow tie on a mass murderer.

The brewer’s off-trade sales managing director Mark Gerken (snigger) said: “We’ve tried to lead the industry with such changes. Sadly that has created the opportunity for other white cider manufactures to capitalise,” hinting at the fact that strong, cheap cider is what the niche consumer (tramps) want and that reducing the alcohol content was akin to putting a spinning bow… oh, hang on, we’ve already said that.

trampDM0503_468x579

Mr Gerken (smirk) admitted that white cider “is a problem drink” for the booze industry because it tends to have negative connotations with "the park bench,” adding: “We’re trying to distance ourselves from the negative images that the old traditional category had. Cider is now much more about enjoyment, refreshment, sharing and over ice.”

In other words, it used to be for tramps and now it’s just for twats. White Lightning will disappear forever in March 2010 and we’ll be forever indebted to avid Bitterwallet reader Tom Pickering for tipping us off about the news.

Have you been affected by the issues raised in this news item? Did you spend far too much time supping White Lightning when you were under the legal age for drinking? Perhaps you spent some time living in a bush and that imposing plastic bottle was your only friend. Why not share some of your amusing and interesting experiences with us? Or tell us about some other boozy drinks from your youth that have long since disappeared from the bottom shelf of the offy. Go on, it’ll be a laugh.

22 comments

  • zacspeed
    AKA Quite Frightening :¬0
  • Rich
    Don't worry!!! We still have diamond white! Everything will be ok...
  • EDDIE G.
    Damn, my illicit trade of filling up a vat with this cheap shite & throwing in a rat was so profitable for many a year, charging other members of the fictional village of Ambridge to come & sit in (moi) cold shed & get ratted on a vat of white lightning / authentic cider from somewhere in the southwest not actually on any proper maps. I'd best fall back on flogging turkey's & cement gnomes (again) NB, I'm wearing a nice fleece skillfully crafted by my wife (Mrs clarie Grundy) from shredded white lightning bottles, ..well we do promote a green lifestyle here in Ambridge.
  • Ian
    Where is hooch?
  • PaulH
    @ Ian - Hooch was awesome! Good article - it made me (smirk)
  • How t.
    [...] Dawson, in his brilliant article (here) reports on the decision by Heineken’s Marketing Manager in charge of the brand Mark [...]
  • Warwick H.
    This is more about profit than image, charge an extortionate amount for a bottle of designer cider which is no more than fizzy pop and the gullible public will fall for the hype.
  • Feezy C.
    @ Ian - 'Where is hooch?' That shite rotted my missus' teeth out while we were students. They're virtually nothing now. On the plus side, toothbrushes and toothpaste bills are down and I get to have a nice smooth gobble off of her (when I her get her drunk enough). Bit like a nosh off of an OAP.
  • Lemon
    And now in other news....... Good afternoon, Saturday Night by Whigfields Ninannanna reporting. George Moonboots, the Slough town drunk, what go you think? 'I'll miss the old girl, she's seen me though many a tough night, YOU Fuuuuthukers, still, CUUUUNT, i'll got have Merrydown and Thunderbird Red to while away the dark hours. RaAHHHHH! Bluuuerch, Erugh i just cant keeping that wax paper from Mcdonalds Down' Thanks George, i think we all agree, the world will be a poorer place for you and your kind.
  • Wibble
    LOL @ Feezy! They aren't going tp stop making Shite Lightning, they are just going to put it in 330mls bottles and £2 each and suggest that you pour it over ice.... Actually, that might not be a bad idea....making it colder takes away a lot of the taste - that's presumably why doing that to cider became more popular. If you miss this and don't like Diamond Shite, you could always try the version already sold for rich tramps - that venerable bottle of 'K'
  • luke
    cheap cider does have a bad image and those who drink it just dont care! (probably because of the cider!) anyway.... im a student and i regularly drink frosty jacks cider which is £3 for 3 litres of 7.5% and it bloody brilliant for a pre-lash before a night out! so for those who use it cheap cider is great, but when we have a bitta cash in our pockets im sure i will splash out on something more tasty and less trampy! but my final point! DONT HATE THE CHEAP CIDER (although white lightning tastes minging and frosty's is quite sweet and refreshing!)
  • Jason
    BBC Radio 1 story of yesterday evening?
  • JJ
    why is there a picture of gandalf in the article?
  • Sideysid
    Heres a great review guide site for all aspiring tramps such as myself, to select an alternative tipple in the wake of White Lightnings demise http://www.trampjuice.tk/
  • charitynjw
    That's another fine meths you've got us into, Stanley!
  • Brian
    Hi, my name is Brian. I will send someone into the corner shop to buy me TEN bottles of this stuff, then keep it for TEN years then sell it at an auction and make loads of money :-)
  • bob
    Brian. Your still a twat
  • Bumcrack
    http://ifuckinghaternb.blogspot.com/2009/12/white-power_13.html
  • brighter t.
    I've got a couple whitening trays from a website. This is great!!! It made my teeth whiter the 2nd time for myself. I Put the whitening trays on my teeth for half an hour and my teeth are at least 2 shades whiter.
  • Maire C.
    I can show you how to whiten your teeth for almost free. Check my blog.
  • Allie
    Whats this article all about because i just got a bottle of white lightning tonight at my local off licence.I noticed that its went down to 5.5% alcohol from 7.5% but from reading this aricle it says white lightning will no longer be avaiable from March 2010 and im sitting here with a glass of it in my hand right now and its July 10th 2010. Anyone have an update?
  • ken
    yes i still see it being sold but i like the frosty jacks best . had some nights in the dog kennel arter drinking white lightning she wouldt let me in the house some nights

What do you think?

Connect with Facebook, Twitter, or just enter your email to sign in and comment.

Your comment