Deathwatch: White Lightning - soon to strike the livers of boozy misfits for the final time
All over the country today, former teenagers who can’t let go of the past and tramps will be in floods of tears when they learn that the erstwhile cider-based drink of winnners losers, White Lightning will soon be no more.
Brewers (if that’s the correct word) Heineken have called time on the legendarily cheap and quite cheerful potion after giving up on their attempts to improve its image. To be fair, they’d have been better off just having a stab at curing head cancer instead if they were looking for an easy life.
Heineken tried to smarten up the image of White Lightning by reducing its alcohol content from 7.5% to 5.5% but the move was akin to putting a spinning bow tie on a mass murderer.
The brewer’s off-trade sales managing director Mark Gerken (snigger) said: “We’ve tried to lead the industry with such changes. Sadly that has created the opportunity for other white cider manufactures to capitalise,” hinting at the fact that strong, cheap cider is what the niche consumer (tramps) want and that reducing the alcohol content was akin to putting a spinning bow… oh, hang on, we’ve already said that.
Mr Gerken (smirk) admitted that white cider “is a problem drink” for the booze industry because it tends to have negative connotations with "the park bench,” adding: “We’re trying to distance ourselves from the negative images that the old traditional category had. Cider is now much more about enjoyment, refreshment, sharing and over ice.”
In other words, it used to be for tramps and now it’s just for twats. White Lightning will disappear forever in March 2010 and we’ll be forever indebted to avid Bitterwallet reader Tom Pickering for tipping us off about the news.
Have you been affected by the issues raised in this news item? Did you spend far too much time supping White Lightning when you were under the legal age for drinking? Perhaps you spent some time living in a bush and that imposing plastic bottle was your only friend. Why not share some of your amusing and interesting experiences with us? Or tell us about some other boozy drinks from your youth that have long since disappeared from the bottom shelf of the offy. Go on, it’ll be a laugh.