Condoms don't fit right

Prophylactics... nodders... johnnies... sheaths... jimmyhats... whatever you call them, they can be a right pain in the cock.

They can split, they can stink, they can cause allergic reactions and most irritating of all, can be a real trial when trying to get one out of the packet without spoiling the mood.

However, seeing as babies are the shittest thing in the world, it's definitely worth the hassle. And what a hassle it is, because on top of all those earlier gripes, it turns out that the British dick simply isn't designed for the universal condom size.

And it's not great news either. We're not rupturing these rascals with massive schlongs. British men can't go around crowing about having a piece so big that it requires a knee in the middle of it.

See, according to the Sexually Transmitted Infections journal (possibly due an appearance on Have I Got News For You?) men are twice as likely to take the condom off midway through sex due to a poor fit... with an ill fitting cock-sock in danger of tearing or slipping off.

'Experts' reckon that we're not up to speed on the fact that condoms come in different shapes and sizes. 'Experts' haven't bargained for the humiliation of buying the ones that say 'tiddly todger' on.

Mercifully though, more and more men in Britain are buying condoms rather than relying on the Pill. In fact, in terms of contraception, these days the two are about even in use. Nice to know we're not a nation riddled with genital warts.

So anyway dear Bitterwallet reader... you probably have an insatiable sexual appetite, so buy your nodders from the internet and get ones that fit your cock properly. Feel free to use the comments section to talk about your massive members.




  • Brian
    As first commenter I'd like to say that it's clear that I have the biggest cock.
  • Nobby
    I think they should advertise the sizes like T-shirts. They could sell XL, XXL, XXXL, XXXXL (or normal), XXXXXL and XXXXXXL. That way, peanut dick still gets to wear XL.
  • Gary G.
    "so big that it requires a knee in the middle of it" That is a fucking Classic, do you mind if i use that one when im down the pub, lying about the size of my penis?
  • James N.
    an empty packet of walkers 'big eat' cheese and onion, tied with a shit stained elastic band or my ex's hair bobble does the trick. would love to see the small mammal that finds my 10ml of goey babby batter in the dust bin, when all they wanted was mid-range, cheese flavoured, savoury potato snack
  • Jack
    @James Haha, I enjoyed that
  • Pokey
    Not sure what you find amusing about the Sexually Transmitted Infections journal? It's a journal, not a magazine. Presumably it contains peer reviewed work by specialist medical professionals written for other specialist medical professionals. I doubt there's many headlines in there for 'HIGNFY' to make use of... and yes, very few pictures too.

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