Commercial Break: Van Damme now almost certainly greatest man who ever lived

4 July 2011

Jean Claude Van Damme. Now that he’s grasped the concept of taking the piss out of himself, he’s almost certainly on his way to godlike status.

Before you watch his superb new ads for Coors, here’s some facts about the great man…

HE USED TO LIVE IN A CAR
So great were the big man’s dreams of movie glory that when he first arrived in Hollywood he kipped in a rental car because of poverty. Then one day Van Damme met a film executive in the street and did a flying kick inches above his head. He became an instant star. Job done.

HE GOT A HARD-ON ON THE TELLY BY MISTAKE
While appearing on a Brazilian variety show, the great man did some bumping and grinding with a pair of lithesome South American foxtresses as the crowd whooped and hollered. Unfortunately as the music faded, Jean Claude was left standing there with a sizey banger filling his strides. Erm…

HE SHOULD HAVE DIED LAST YEAR
That’s according to the man himself, back in 2007. Priding himself on his ability to see into the future coupled with an astronomical cholesterol level, he swears he’ll peg it by the time he’s fifty in October 2010. “Heart attack,” he reckons. “Massive.” What a man – he sounds like he’s almost looking forward to it.

HE GOT IT ON WITH KYLIE
No really, he said it himself so it must be true. While the pair were filming the 1994 epic Street Fighter, JCVD reckons the pair had a “mini-affair”. Kylie has never corroborated the claims but then again, being in Street Fighter probably isn’t something she likes to talk about at all these days.

HE’S GOING TO KNOCK STEVEN SEAGAL ON HIS ARSE
Van Damme recently said ‘My last fight was more than 20 years ago. I’m not a fighter, I’m a lover. If somebody’s going to speak bad about me, I will walk away. ‘But if a guy like Steven Seagal slaps me once, I will slap him twice as hard. Life is full of violence.’ Amen.

1 comment

  • PaganWolf
    There are only 2 adverts worth their weight right now. The Coors ones (OK I guess that's 3 adverts) and the Aldi tea bag one.

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