Commercial Break: Follow these tips and win a bacon sandwich-toting bride...

Happy Valentine’s Day! Unless you don’t have a special someone in your world, in which case… well, frankly, we feel your pain. It’s not easy to hold down a relationship when you spend most of your days in a light-free consumer news bunker buried 50 feet below the surface of the earth.

But all is not lost. If you’re a man, there are ways for you to up your game and snare yourself a real, actual, human girlfriend. Just follow these tips from HP Sauce and your lonely days will soon be over. If that’s what you definitely want…


  • Phuck Y.
    I expects the special-needz, hideously disfigured crew at BW HQ have got 'fuck-all' in the way of valentines. Me? I can't get through the fucking door!
  • Dick
    ^ Go on a diet then, you fat fuck.
  • noshit
    Smear shit on your front door and no cunt will ever bother you again. It works.

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