Britain will die if it doesn't get a Space Port

18 May 2012

spaceBritain is going to suffer massively if it doesn't get itself a space port according to business leaders. Sadly, this isn't a magic drink from the moon, but rather, a futuristic airport which will enable us to go on holiday to places like The Moon and Betelgeuse.

Apparently, going to Lanzarote isn't good enough for you people any more.

The idea behind Britain's imminent spaceless doom is based on the notion that we'll lose out on loads of jobs being created because all the other countries (shrug) who are taking space tourism seriously will steal all the work, according to the Institute of Directors.

Of course, since NASA decided to stop sending shuttles into space, there'll be a mad scrap to set up companies that will offer services to take people to space, whether it be for scientific reasons or the leisure of terrifyingly wealthy people. Space tourists are willing to cough-up £125,000+ to spend some weightless time in the deep black above, so if it takes off, there'll be a lot of money floating around. It's easy to scoff at these ideas, but you have to remember that there are professional sportsmen and they're stupid enough to throw their money at anything.

And these business leaders reckon that Britain's £8bn space sector means it's in a good position to make a tidy profit, especially given that the only commercial space port currently resides in the Mojave desert. And so, if Britain doesn't act smartly, someone else in Europe is likely to move into a market that's worth an estimated £16 billion.

Dan Lewis, author of the report by the Institute of Directors, said: "We are just on the verge of space [tourism] moving from what people might think of as 'Star Trek' fantasy to the start of something more realistic. There is a new breed of very well financed entrepreneurs who are looking to make this happen. [But] this is a globally competitive environment and the potential investors and suppliers could move anywhere – in that respect it is no different to any other business."

And here at Bitterwallet, we welcome our new insect overlords, in preparation.

16 comments

  • Dick
    If you want to revive the economy by removing hard earned money from sportsmen clearly all you need to do is set up a granny brothel in the Manchester suburbs.
  • Zleet
    Sounds crazy but it's probably true. Billionaires and movie directors going off to mine asteroids and people with weird names like Elon Musk designing electric cars and reusable space rockets, the future is coming up fast. Still no personal jetpacks or hoverboards though.
  • Inspector G.
    A space port? Britain has yet to master airports.
  • Natty
    That would be terminal 6 LHR then.
  • Dai
    This is the first generation of billionaires to be brought up on bad Sci-Fi. The economic interventions of the present day are the dreams of 50s hack writers.
  • The B.
    Well, you could start by running a massive audit on the public sector to see how much the damn thing wastes a year, I can't believe I lose approximately 50% of my salary through taxation (add up your income tax, NI, VAT, council tax, petrol tax, road tax, alcohol tax, cigarette tax, etc some time, they crucify you, even on 20%). Ditch the non jobs, ditch the frigging stupid pension system, move the civil service out of London, drop salaries accordingly, etc.
  • Buzz
    I went to the moon once. It took ages and there was bugger all to do when I got there.
  • Michael
    I technically also went to the moon. But nobody ever remembers me :(
  • Mr C.
    I got there first you copycat fuckers.
  • Neil T.
    I also went to the moon and nobody believes me either.
  • Neil A.
    Your a fucking liar tortoise, I didn't even go to the moon so fuck knows how you got there.
  • Stewart L.
    I have the moon on a stick. Unwanted gift - open to offers.
  • Mr. W.
    I went by Ryan-space. Cost me £10 for the ticket, but I had to pay surcharges for the boarding pass, baggage, the breathing equipment and the sick-bucket. When we landed we were on the wrong side of the moon, and had to catch a bus to get to the right side.
  • Jonny S.
    like we need another reason for immigration control to take longer over it's passport queues..."purpose of visit sir", "enslaving the human race for our homeworld". "I see, you'll need the red aisle then..."
  • Milky
    But will the porcine fecker who had to by 2 seats on the space flight be truly weightless? My guess is his moobs will move upward & dance a little, also they'll have to take out extra insurance & have an ankle tether to a bit-o-rope lest they smother someone with their floating bulk. & if sitting next to them their perspiring form (yes even sitting still) will give you a zero-G salt bath. Space flight for will be weight restricted therefore non viable for the morbidly obese, therefore an Otis lift on set to maximum overdrive may be their best bet.
  • hungry h.
    I was told the moon was full of chavs. Booked a trip to Venus instead.

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