Atheists show how to milk God botherers through the medium of kindness

15 February 2010

Godless people are idiots. Not because they're Godless, but rather, they've failed to recognise that there's no money in merely slagging off religious types. Instead of pooh-poohing people for having imaginary friends they should be fleecing them for every penny they can get from their daft little heaven-bound cousins.

And that's what one group, called Eternal Earth-Bound Pets are doing with a service that vows to care for pets that have been left behind after Judgment Day.

Yessireebob, if you're one of the millions of Christian dopes who believe that the Rapture is imminent (no, not the Blondie song you dimwit) then you'll be wanting to know that your eternally damned pet is going to be okay as you ascend through the clouds like an errant, pious helium balloon.

If you believe in the Word Of The Bible, then a passage from 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17 says that the Rapture prophecy posits that Jesus will return to Earth to gather his disciples for the good life in heaven with God, leaving behind those who have not met a standard of piety to face the rule of Satan. That'd be little Pickles there who curls up on your knee from time to time. It's off to hell to experience an eternity of unspeakable shit.

The Eternal Earth-Bound Pet lot say that each "representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you have received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus."

All Godly types have to do is stump $110 up front to have one pet taken care of should this whole shithouse go up in righteous flames within the next 10 years of payment. Each additional pet costs $15, and a 25 percent discount is offered when customers sign up again after the first term of coverage expires.

Is it cruel to sell a service based on something that you don't believe will ever happen?

"Essentially, that's what most insurance companies do," said Jennifer Fisher, adjunct professor of ethics at the University of San Francisco. "Premiums are based on the likelihood that the company will have to pay out money for claims."

Hahahaha! Ten meaningless points (and potentially bagfuls of holy cash) to the first Bitterwallet reader to start up the UK equivalent.



  • Rob
    It annoys me that people think it's ok to take the piss out of christians all the time. Whatever your beleifs surely it can be seen that if everyone in the world behaved as christians are supposed to it would be a much nicer place to live.
  • Amanda H.
    huh? So when skynet becomes "active" and judgement day comes, wont the atheists be sent to hell anyway? You can't look after tiddles if your being ripped apart by a million winged demons, with faces like Pete Burns now can you.
  • Amanda H.
    Rob, If everyone were Christians, wouldn't there be a severe increase in kiddy fiddling?
  • Robin
    @Rob Which Christians are you referring to?
  • Businessman
    @Rob: You have a very good point. Strangely however they never do seem to behave like they're supposed to it 's mostly more about righteous smiting and all that.
  • beelzebub
    @ Rob the key being "if everyone in the world behaved as christians are supposed to" I know a lot of 'Christians' who don't behave ;)
  • Ethan
    If everyone in the world behaved morally we'd have a much nicer world. Obeying laws in fear of an almighty punisher has fuck-all to do with morality.
  • andy y.
    Look The Christians had only one decent song,the rest was shit.
  • Adam2050
    Wow another crap article.
  • Nobby
    If everyone in the world were Christian (or any other faith), there would still be wars. If everyone subscribed to the same flavour of Christianity, there would still be wars. @andy - which one? I only remember two - Harvest for the World and Ferry Cross the Mersey. Both covers. Both charity records. Both pretty crap.
  • Dave
    @Nobby, andy - Hooverville?
  • Mister S.
    You go out at night, eatin' cars You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too Mercurys and Subarus
  • The B.
    Teryy Christian - how on earth did he ever become famous? The most punchable facer ever to grace a tv screen.
  • Bart
    surely it can be seen that if everyone in the world behaved as christians are supposed to it would be a much nicer place to live. Hmmm... who was the last person to act liked Xtians are suppose to? That would be jebus, wouldn't it? Nah...Xtians have a pretty miserable track record when it comes to behaving civily. If you like, we can send you Fred Phelps, Pat Robertson, the dead carcass of Jerry Falwell, or the roughly 7,000 priests, miisters, and Youth Pastors who have been diddling children as a sacrament. But, this not withstanding, I'm happy to accept our most religiously infected fundamentalist evangelicals' money for my post rapture pet rescue service. Best regards to you folks across the pond. Bart creator/ co-wner Eternal Earth-Bound Pets
  • Junkyard
    If little Pickles is going to hell to experience an eternity of unspeakable shit, how are this company's representatives supposed to look after him/her? Do they have employees who commit a sufficient quantity of sin to ensure they too will descend into the bowels of Satan's domain?

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