5 free vuvuzela iPhone apps - a no-nonsense consumer review

15 June 2010

Bitterwallet - 5 free vuvuzela iPhone appsWhat do you get when you cross the world's most infuriating instrument, the planet's greatest football tournament, a bunch of coders hellbent on getting rich from ad-supported apps and the jumble sale that is the iTunes App Store?

Vuvuzela app heaven, that's what!

There are now over a dozen vuvuzela apps available in the app store, and more are piling in. Five of them are free, but which is the best, or indeed, the worst?

As a hard-hitting consumer website, we wanted the views of an experienced telecommunications expert, somebody who had insight into the sound and quality of the products on offer, so we've recruited former BT mascot Buzby to pass judgment on the apps.

Vuvuzela 2010

They say: "Warning! A Vuvuzela has a very annoying sound! Choose a colour and press on the horn to make the sound!"

We say: Unimpressed. There are ten shirts to choose from, but pressing them only changes the colour of the instrument, not the sound of it.

Bitterwallet - the buzz from Buzby

The buzz from Buzby: "Christ almighty, it's as entertaining as setting your hands on fire. Only one out of five from me, cocker."

Vuvuzela Championship Free

They say: "Vuvuzela - design with real country flag textures!"

We say: There's slightly more to this app than the previous offering; the user chooses their country and then blows into the mic; by doing so the fans chant louder. There's a two player version too, if you're a complete fucking idiot.

Bitterwallet - the buzz from Buzby

The buzz from Buzby: "If they wanted to get an old bird blowing their horn, they should have gone to Hull for the day. I haven't got the strength, mate. Two out of five from me."

Pocket Vuvuzela

They say: "Can't make it to South Africa for the World Cup? Bring the thrill of the stadium straight to your living room with Pocket Vuvuzela for iPhone."

We say: This app will in no way bring the thrill of the World Cup to your living room. Similar functionality to Vuvuzela 2010, but with better graphics and four authentic ear-offending sounds to choose from, although they're a little too quiet.

Bitterwallet - the buzz from Buzby

The buzz from Buzby: "Bleeding hell, more horns. One funny horn noise out of four, does not an app make. Two out of five. Now piss off out me sight."

Virtual Vuvuzela!

They say: "Tap or shake your iPhone to unleash a vuvuzela horn noise that will inspire your team and frustrate your rivals."

We say: So that's why England were useless against the USA - not enough of you were 'inspiring' them with this app. Shame on you. This guy hasn't enough air in his lungs for breathing, never mind blow a musical instrument. Pretty much the same deal as the first app we reviewed.

Bitterwallet - the buzz from Buzby

The buzz from Buzby: "Is that what you brought me in to do? My agent said I'd get a rack at some telly work. One of out five. Best I can do."

Annoying Football Horns: Vuvuzela edition

They say: "AS FEATURED ON THE BBC."

We say: We tried pressing the four horn buttons but nothing happened. Hilarity did not ensue.

Bitterwallet - the buzz from Buzby

The buzz from Buzby: "Fuck this for a game of soldiers. I'm off. Zero out of five."

7 comments

  • F. F.
    Which one would you recommend to annoy everyone?
  • Nobby
    ... to unleash a vuvuzela horn noise that will inspire your team and frustrate your rivals. How does your team know? They might think that you are supporting them and be inspired or they might think that you are supporting their rivals and be frustrated. In the end, they will be confused and forget about playing the game, and the match will be shit.
  • Nobby
    PS. Busby was not the mascot for BT. When he was around the company was called British Telecom, not BT. They killed him off before they were renamed as BT.
  • Peter F.
    Nobby, wasn't he the mascot for the GPO? Incidentally, the best use I've found for a vuvuzela is to go to Wimbledon (twinned with Durban), grab the nearest person sounding as though they're trying to cough up lungful of salamanders mixed with razor blades (I can only assume that's what afrikaans is trying to emulate) and shove it firmly up their rectal cavity in the vain hope that they'll take the message and either a) get some manners or b) go home
  • Nobby
    I think Buzby overlapped with both GPO and British Telecom. Good old Bernard Cribbins. Kids TV just isn't the same now.
  • Mr G.
    The correct term is VULVA-ZELA, where ZELA means "with a noisy fecking instrument"
  • Jessica H.
    Great write up. The iPhone is truly awesome and I don't like being without it. This time last year I had jumped in a pool with my iPhone and it was dead. I had to wait 9 days before I was able to buya new one. The phone I had was a cheap go phone. I really love all the games that can be downloaded to the iPhone. The best part about the iPhone to me is the ability to check emails on the go. Thanks for the information.

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