App Store, Crap Store - new ways to waste time on your iPhone

9 April 2009

There are now over 25,000 applications on the iPhone, and while most of them are as useful as chip pan fat for whores, there are a few that stand out. If the developers themselves don't release a demo on YouTube, you can always rely on somebody else to do it for them. With that in mind, here's a sift through some of the hundreds of apps released recently. Some are good, some are shit, frankly:

iBone - the Pocket Trombone (£1.79)
No, stop it right now, it's not that sort of app. It's a virtual trombone that allows you to accompany songs with a flick and slide of your finger, or by blowing across your iPhone. Judging by the interface you need to know something about music to put it to good use, but there are also scales you can practise if you'd like to learn.

Make Money Online (£2.39)
"My name is Sven Schöne and listen. I live in this dump and wear sweatbands like it's 1987, but I don't care. What you say? Listen. Look at Oogle, it's full of free resources. Scams. I want to show you this programme called Make Money Online. All it takes is a small investment from you, I give you a list of bookmarks you could find by using your eyes, but then I could not get rich, yeah? My company is called iJokeEntertainment, but I am serious, yeah? It took me one and a half years to put this together, even though the App Store has been around just nine months, yeah?"

Tap Tap Coldplay(£2.99)
Tap Tap Revenge is often cited as one of the best and most popular applications for the iPhone. Well now they've gone and spoilt it by releasing a version dedicated to the descending star of Coldplay. And they're charging you £2.99 for the pleasure. Good on them. At least we have the nasal, bedroom-bound tones of reviewer NJ Devil Fan to stop us topping ourselves while our ears scab over in disgust. Oh.

TOPICS:   Mobile   Gadgets


  • Mike H.
    My favourite app is the iHate App, it's really cool, it smashes peoples iPhones up with a hammer, then proceeds to beat the owner around the head with the remaining guts of the device, cool huh?
  • Celticsun
    My favourite is the Green iMonster App. by double tapping the app it locates all the jealous people who haven't got an iPhone and overlays a google map with green pins of all those green eyed monsters
  • Mikesjn
    Why is it that everyone who owns one of these things thinks that everyone else wants one. I have used one and I didn't like it, the main reason being that my fingers were to big to use the keypad efficiently (loan to company I work for). Maybe this is the mentality of the people that buy things that they think they should have. After all it is just a bit of gadgetry that will be obsolete in a few months. I can assure you I can afford one, I just don't want one, accept that it is nothing more than a must have gadget. By the way Symbian based phones do the same job better
  • acecatcher3
    yeah mikesjn.....u loved the iphone but ur fat fingers stopped u from enjoying it fully hahahahahahaha i love my iphone
  • MinstrelMan
    so you'd like it if they brought out a iHave Fat Fingers Keyboard App (for the obese and those with glycoma) I'm sure if I market this correctly at a price of 79p, you'd be able to afford that and a pork pie and still have change left over........ What recession?!
  • MinstrelMan
  • Celticsun
    I don't have one and don't want one, big whoop, but I know alot of people do
  • Mike H.
    Actually, iPhones along with Audi's and BMW's, make it easier to pick out the wankers.
  • MinstrelMan
    and range rovers, don't forget about them
  • Celticsun
    Pffff... in terms of safety to others its the Volvo drivers you need to worry about
  • Mike H.
    Merc drivers are wankers too, Volvo drivers don't give a shit as, in the event of an impact their car(box) turns into a bouncy castle on wheels!
  • Mikesjn
    Who said I was obese, maybe I don't need a toy on my daily run. I am big and strong - 6ft 1, not fat or scrawny or unfit. Also my IT skills go beyond pretending to myself that because I have the latest toy I am up on things. Can't you get it, have one if YOU want, but a lot of people have them because they think they should, I work with people that can't pay their mortgage but still have to have one. I paid my mortgage off at 33, maybe because I didn't waste money on things people tell me I should have. If it makes you happy, think of me as obese, unfit, poor , technologically unaware and without 'hip' friends, even got a small d**k. But you might be projecting yourselves onto me.
  • Andy D.
    Best. Comment. Ever.
  • Mikesjn
    I'll give you that bawbag, not the wanker bit , but that does read badly, I should read back what I type. But, I love my iPhone, for f**ks sake, it is a phone - I love my wife, my family, my friends, but I like my house, my car and other possessions, no matter how nice some of them are. If you want one have one, but for gods sake understand that to a lot of people they are just a gadget. What is it with all this "if you haven't got you are .......". I think Apple stuff is well made but overpriced and over hyped and other things do the job I want better, last time I looked there was no RDP client for an iPhone (there may well be one now), I use that and not a software spirit level that I wouldn't dare use for anything other than checking the snooker table was level.
  • Byron
    Away from all the childish comments let me just say that after feeling that the iphone was a overhyped piece of shit because of the ridiculous hype I actually bought one yesterday! I think it is a great gadget tbh - not too complex but with some great features! I have had numerous symbian phones and i think they are good too but the iphone is sooo easy to use n if all ya want to do with it as a phone is make calls n send txts it's great! Plus great apps, good music playback n web browsing is loads better than any other phone atm in my opinion! I didn't even give it a look in cos i thought it was for posing wankers too but actually it's great! So give up being childish and stfu!
  • Flipper
    lol, I like he comparison of iPhones & BMWs as both suffer from the same problem of being great products that are ofen bought by people simply as a fashion accessory who really don't appreciate them. I LOVE my iPhone (and I'm fond of my wife), just don't understand why some people feel the need to rant about people that own them or take their 'expressions of love' so seriously. get over it, and no I don; own a BMW !
  • Camera B.
    [...] make telephone calls, but they’re very much in the minority these days. The rest are too busy playing virtual trombones or brewing coffee to talk to actual people on them. However, the cameraphone is here to stay - who [...]

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