Commercial Break: Santa in pathetic weather-search iPhone scum-fest

We’re all agreed that Santa Claus is a magical man. For centuries now, he’s been delivering presents to boys and girls around the world on Christmas Day with the help of nothing more than some elves, a few weird horses and a big sledge. Every year, without fail (apart from 1981, when the idiot somehow brought your correspondent a pair of West Ham pyjamas) – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

So why in the name of Satan would Santa want to tool himself up (with the emphasis on ‘tool’) with an iPhone 4S and its hugely overrated Siri function? Short answer – he wouldn’t. With that in mind, if Apple could stop co-opting the dreams of children into their shitty advertising, that would be tremendous thank you very much. Smugness doesn’t suit Saint Nick so away and piss off with it all.


  • Organ O.
    That shower of bums have went to the dogs since Steve left.
  • Santa
    As I've said before: Apple can fuck right off the commercial ultra-cunts. And a big shout out for our mythical Gods at this important time of year.
  • Sicknote
    My faith in humanity is now restored.
  • Paul G.
    There's nothing I like more at this time of year than dressing up as Santa and emptying my swollen sack with the help of kids of all ages.
  • Mike H.
    I didn't think Santa was a cunt?
  • Santa
    Oi! Mike are you calling me a cunt? You'd better watch your mouth: I know where you fucking live and you'll get your coal shoved right up your arse. Merry Christams children.
  • Mike H.
    Bring it Santa, I'll shove that iPhone right up your cunt as you slide down my chimney!
  • Santa
    I don't have an iPhone and I'm not sliding up or down your "chimney". I've got actual magic as opposed to the Apple RDF "magical device". Now I'm off with my magic mates to the pub while the elves get on with cobbling together some toys.
  • Buddy
    He's an ANGRY elf...

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