You are probably going to die because of new 5p and 10p pieces

20 April 2012

new 5pSweet Jesus no! Call a doctor because our money is dangerous! Run for cover! The new 5p and 10p pieces are going to kill every last one of us or... well... make us slightly poorly for a brief time.

The Royal Mint are being asked to start tests LIKE YESTERDAY on the new 5p and 10p coins to assess the health risks. The Mint are releasing new coins in a bid to save money. The new coins use a cheaper nickel-coated steel... however, similar coins have been banned in Sweden because of health risks (and we all know how hard and freaky the Swedes are, so it must be bad).

Doctors have written a letter (if not typed up, then completely illegible) which said: "The Royal Mint may have followed all the rules with regards to the introduction of new coinage, but there is still no proof that those with hand eczema – dermatitis – or nickel contact allergies will not suffer."

The Royal Mint have said it had followed legislation and guidelines and "can confirm that the new nickel-plated 5p and 10p coins have no additional potential to cause adverse effects on people with allergic contact dermatitis and hand dermatitis".

Obviously, the Royal Mint are playing with fire here and we could end up with a load of people with irritated hands. And we all know people with irritable hands go mental and end up murdering everyone. Keep an eye out for people paying for things with slightly flaky hands and, if needed, bludgeon them to death just to be on the safe side.


  • Boris
    I will have to stop fiddling with my 'small change' all of the time then.
  • Paul s.
    Pff. Selection of the fittest if you ask me. Its only poor people who carry around this low demonation of currency. Wad of £50's in my wallet. Keep the change.
  • lumoruk
    I will just refuse to accept the stuff at shops or do what I usually do and pay on card.
  • Andrew D.
    This explains the purple rash on my knob and bollocks. Well it explains it to my 'girlfriend' at least.
  • Mr. P.
    Why does that coin have a picture of a tap on it?
  • Spluff K.
    That's not a tap, it's a penis.
  • Andrew D.
    It's not a penis - it doesn't have weeping sores or any pus.
  • graeme
    It's not a tap, it's a penis.
  • Mike H.
    Nickel contact allergies? COME THE FUCK ON!

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