You're not buying enough Hovis, Bisto and Mr Kipling cakes say Premier Foods
You pricks look like the kind of people who gorge on brown bread, gravy and cake. Then why, ask Premier Foods, the people who own Hovis, Bisto and Mr Kipling, aren't they making enough money?
Surely you've not started actually trying to make things from scratch like the television shows suggested are you? What's the matter with you? Are you that bored/twee?
Anyway, Premier Foods are now warning us that their full-year trading profit will fall below expectations. That's terrible news isn't it? Well it would be if you stopped stirring that bloody pot of beef stock with an oxtail for one second.
This is serious business.
They've been looking for a profit of between £214m and £232m but current trading was "disappointing" and "significantly behind our expectations".
And now, alarmingly, the group said it was in "constructive dialogue" with banks on refinancing as shares fell 4 pence, or 40%, to 6p in morning trading.
New chief executive Michael Clarke has outlined five key priorities for the business in the short term, but they're so boring that you'd have to be completely insane to have any sort of interest in what they are. You do? Oh well. They want to agreeing a refinancing plan, improve sales and marketing, reducing the size of their portfolio, reduce costs and invest in eight "power brands" that they feel have the best growth prospects.
Those eight brands are Ambrosia, Batchelor's, Bisto, Hovis, Lloyd Grossman, Mr Kipling, Oxo and Sharwood's.
Martin Deboo, making his first appearance on these pages, who is an analyst at brokers Investec Securities, said the company now faced a question of survival.
"To say that all this adds up to a baptism of fire for new chief executive Mike Clarke feels like the understatement of the year. His mettle is going to be strongly tested in the run-up to Christmas," he said.
They better not go out of business. The little Hovis biscuits are the only ones we really like in the cracker boxes you get at Christmas.