Win the chance to be the next mum who has gone to Iceland!

8 February 2010

Can't really function without tooting enough cocaine to fell an adolescent hippo? Do you like smoking tabs and getting wankered on WKD whilst pregnant?

Have you ever invited film crews to shoot every moment of your life, including the time someone stuck a pipe through your skin to slurp all that fat out of you?

Or maybe you're a cackling know-nothing harridan who likes spouting off about piss-all on TV every lunch time and has claimed to be a nervous 16 year old debutante in a previous life as well as saying that gay people shouldn't be allowed near children... children that you'd send to prostitutes if they passed their GCSEs?

Basically, if you live your life like an unfathomable dunce from a Chat Magazine column, then you might be interested in a job that's come up.

You see, Iceland (the supermarket) is launching an X Factor style search for an ordinary customer to become its new "face".

A face that could appear in adverts next to piles of budget grub that you'll try and persuade the public to push into their gobs. Gobs already not averse to the ingestion of 'meals' that turn the blood into something that looks like pate in brine. Blood that is tired of being slowly squeezed through butter-lined, near-collapsing arteries. Blood. Blood. Blood. Basically, a replacement for Coleen Nolan, who is stepping down from the ads.

These commercials will probably be like those dreadful B&Q spots where real people regale us all with good value whilst appearing to be reading from an autocue at gunpoint. Or the Oxo family with a crystal meth habit.

Marketing chief of Iceland, Nick Canning said to the Mirror: "Coleen is a hard act to follow so we've decided to turn the spotlight on our customers to give them a chance." And pay them less, or so we assume.

The posterwoman for frozen gluttony will be announced in April.

Click here to enter/submit your mate's name for a laugh

TOPICS:   High Street News

12 comments

  • MarkG
    I can see Iceland's dilemma, Karen Matthews is not out of jail for another 3 1/2 years....
  • The G.
    Shouldn't this be in competitions?
  • David
    ...and you can wear pyjamas deffo innit
  • Klingelton
    i hear myra hindley isn't doing alot nowadays...
  • DrTrouserPlank
    All they need to do is hold auditions on the same day that Jeremy Kyle is filmed. I'm sure the overflow from that show will more than fit their requirements.
  • The B.
    Wasn't KAtie Price mum of the year too? Perhaps? Or would it put people off their food?
  • negbobsquarepants
    "Wasn’t KAtie Price mum of the year too? Perhaps? Or would it put people off their food?" I think she would give the impression that the food was overcooked/fried to buggery.
  • Yue
    Katie Price at Iceland... Am I the only one with a horrible image of frozen thrush and a slightly oceanic whiff coming to those horrible little stores?
  • Nobby
    Yeah, the next Howard Brown. Find an iceland shopper. Pay them a little so they can afford their chicken nuggets and pepsi. Stardom follows due to acting like a twat in an advert. Pay them a little more so they can afford their coke.
  • Mr G.
    "Coleen is a hard act to follow..." especially hard to follow when she gets her arse stuck in the double doorway
  • Ten B.
    [...] you be the next face of the Iceland ads? Would you really want to [...]
  • Tangela
    Thanks for sharing the infο with us.

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