Toys R Us: Aww! Honey! Let's buy her first Ouija board!
Ever wondered how to get your darling little daughter to talk to the dead like that little kid from Sixth Sense? There's no easy way to broach the subject of black magick and table tapping is there?
Toffee Crisp tried to make it more accessible by asking "Are you there Sidney?" but it never really took off, with the world's children preferring to investigate tooth decay rather than contact floating cadavers.
Well, mercifully for you weirdos, help is at hand as Toys R Us are selling Ouija boards. And look! This one comes in a lovely pink for your little bundle of joy and XX chromosomes.
Yessir, this cuddly pink Ouija board is aimed at girls aged 8-14 years and states: 'Ask the questions girls want to know.'
The advertising copy says "Pink OUIJA Board predicts the future... Who will call you next? Will you be famous? Who wants to trade places with you? All these questions and more can be answered with the mystifying OUIJA Board"
It also comes with a pink carrying case with storage pockets so your wonderfully innocent child can "take the OUIJA Board over to your friend's house... so you can play anytime."
Religious types are going to go fucking mental over this aren't they? In fact, science types will be equally miffed, but may well find amusement that spiritual charlatanism is now reduced to that of 'toy'.
Just think, whilst you're watching the TV... hearing the blood curdling cry of little Jemima as she gets in contact with your dead Aunt... imagine the fun you'll have as a parent as you find yourself wringing the bedsheets out after your wickle daughter has pissed the bed for the 3,000th night running... imagine the day when you all look back and giggle on the time your child spent an entire year with a haunted look on her face and tried to end her life by flinging herself out of a window because 'a ghost told her to'.
Is this the most disturbing toy in history? Well done Hasbro. Well done you.